-words for my little man-

Owen Jerald, my little monkey-
Being able to glimpse life through your eyes is a gift.  I forgot that birds are fascinating and worthy of a dropped jaw at every single sighting.  Rain is a mystery and you've reminded me to lift my hands to the sky in wonder.  Your taste buds are crazy about home made chicken noodle soup!  And you have a chuckle that makes your Dad and I guffaw.  The expressions you produce are priceless; bits and pieces of your personality are surfacing with each day and we have a front row seat.  We also have a huge responsibility, with work to be done and countless lessons to be learned.  Thank goodness we can take the days one at a time; working through challenges and savoring sweet kisses.
You are right around the corner from ten months old and an absolute joy!  I love my days with you.  They are not without their spills and bumps and melt downs in the middle of Costco; you most certainly have a mind of your own.  But you are absolutely the sweetest thing I've ever known.  I loved having a tiny, sweet newborn.  But, lets face it, we couldn't do a whole lot of adventuring then.  Things are a different story now!  We can't get enough of the outdoors, unexplored jungle paths and story time under the bamboo.  We have some serious fun, little man.  And we're just getting started!
Jesus is working through your life to teach and refine me!  My faith has grown in tremendous ways these past few months.  I wrestle with answers for the questions I know you will have someday.  I dig deep into the Word for truth that I want to impress upon your heart.  Your innocence challenges me, your unwavering faith makes me yearn for a deeper level of trust in my Father.  Thank you for allowing me a fresh look at life.  Thank you for pushing me beyond my comfort zone (and yes, even for the sleepless nights) that I might realize my absolute inadequacy and run to the only One that call fill me all the way to overflowing.
I love you, sweetheart.
Mama

Kitchen Dance Party

Yesterday I was nostalgic.  My 'tiny son' is nine months old!  Time has gone by so quickly.  We laid in the grass together and I watched him gaze up at the bamboo, holding out his hands to touch the breeze and catch the birds.  I studied the blink of his eyelashes, memorized the shape of his sweet face.  It seems as though he was just a newborn.  I can only imagine how I'll feel once he's having his first birthday.  But I won't spend today fretting about tomorrow, I was given this moment to savor!

Last night we had a dance party in our kitchen.  Derek grilled ribs and I concocted the sides to go with it.  We laughed hard and ate to our heart's content.  No 'special' reason; we just have everything to be thankful for, every reason to throw our own little party.  Life is fleeting, it is beautiful and there is every reason to savor the moment and treat it like a special occasion.

I can't get enough of Psalm 103 right now.  It's been a daily reminder to 'forget not all his benefits' as it reminds me of Who it is that 'forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.'  Jesus has, indeed, been satisfying my every desire.  Not in the ways I imagined, of course, but in His own perfect way.  As I was longing to live closer to family, He opened my eyes to the awesome 'ohana' we have been blessed with in Hawaii!

Psalm 103 also reminds me that God is my Father, my Papa!  'As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.'  He, literally, knows what I'm made of!  And as I struggled to switch out of vacation mode last week, He had compassion on me.  He led me to realize the root issue: my need for Him!  I still have a long way to go but the results are blatantly obvious.  Days where I'm intentional about my time with Jesus are consistently smoother, more inspired and, amazingly enough, very productive!  It's not that I float through the day in a bubble and nothing touches me, it's just that I've been equipped for all that will, inevitably... touch me!  When I'm faced with challenging obstacles, loneliness or an especially gnarly diaper- it's okay!  Because I'm renewed, I'm redeemed and my desires are met and satisfied by the King of Kings!  

One last bit of this Psalm that is absolutely breathtaking!  'For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.'  I know that He is my Strength and my Song, but I am easily distracted and overwhelmed.  That means I will be learning this lesson until the day I go to be with Jesus forever.  And so I cling to this promise that His love is greater than I can fathom and in Him my short comings have been infinitely removed.  I savor the moments, I laugh with my boys and dance even though I can't dance!  I press into Jesus.  I focus not on what I may not have in this season of life but on the abundance I HAVE been blessed with!  And I agree with the words David wrote over and over, 'Praise the Lord, my soul!'

A lunatic's pity-party-

I heard from Jesus in the most amazing way last night.  I was out for a walk with Owen, trying to classify the overwhelming emotion I was feeling.  It wasn't sadness or frustration, but I felt so very.. heavy.  We just spent an amazing nine days with my family in California and I'm really struggling to get back into the swing of things now that we're home.  You don't know how much you actually miss someone until you get a little taste of life with them!  Anyway, I finally decided on the word: weary.  And I voiced it.  'Jesus, I am so weary.'  Simple and to the point.. that's how my conversations with Him go.  And in the same breath, I found myself saying 'Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest!'

These words stopped me in my tracks.  Woah!  Where did that come from?!  I assumed the next words out of my mouth would've been a slightly dramatic explanation of why, exactly, I am so weary. (As if I need to explain these things to the One who knows me better than I know myself..)  But out popped this verse, this perfectly-suited-to-my-situation verse; Matthew 11:28.  There was my answer.  'Yes, daughter, I know you are weary and your heart feels heavy.  The solution is simple: come to Me!  I long to give you rest but you must first come to Me.

We've been going a million miles an hour the last couple months and I kept telling myself, 'Just a little bit longer and you can rest.'  'Just a few more weeks till California!'  And our trip was everything we hoped it would be; family and fun and laughing until we cried!  We were finally able to introduce our son to so many of the people we love.  There were games to play, delicious food to eat, and all hours of the night to stay up talking.  We played at the beach, we flew kites and blew bubbles with nieces and nephews.  Derek went surfing with the guys, I went walking with my Mama!  It was incredible.  Winery exploration, an early Easter party and harassment from my brothers.  Painting little girl nails, piggy back rides and catching up with sisters and favorite cousins.  These are just a few of the many memories made.

And then we flew back to Hawaii.  And Owen is burning up with fever from tooth number three trying to make it's entrance.  And I caught a nasty cold somewhere along the line.  And Derek's stacked up to his eye balls with work.  And our home is a construction site for the next few weeks.  And there's nothing terrible about any of these things.  We are abundantly thankful for the eye-ball-high stack of work for Derek, and the home improvements are just part of life, and teething is pretty standard for every single baby in the entire world.  It just caught me off guard because I was expecting to come home feeling refreshed and ready to tackle life, but instead I just feel the overwhelming urge to take my boys and jump back on the next plane to California!

And that is what got me out walking last night.. talking out loud like a lunatic, knowing that I shouldn't be feeling anything but overwhelming gratitude for this incredible life and an awesome vacation!  But, in the past few months I've had several people say 'Okay, I read your blog and I love it.. but is that really you?' And so here's a little bit of raw, unedited me.  And it's not pretty.  I felt like I was barely keeping my head above water.. (although that may have just been the impressive amount of snot building up in my sinuses.)  Owen was loudly expressing his discomfort and I was throwing myself a grand pity-party, all right there in the middle of the road.  But God still spoke.  He doesn't give up on me.  And I don't deserve His grace, but that doesn't factor into His equation.  He gives it freely.

'Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest!'  

It's a promise.  And the only condition is that we COME!  And that's all I have for now.  I'm working on the coming.  On the intentional setting aside of time to BE with Him.  Because it's not going to just 'happen' to fit in.  I have a nine month old baby; free time is an endangered species!  If I want to rise above this place of just keeping my head above water I need to make my way to Jesus, the Rock, and climb aboard, accepting the rest that He is waiting to give.

lessons from a turkey..

I know, it's preposterous, but before this last week I had never cooked a turkey on my own!  Thanksgiving has always been at someone else's house and I can chef up a mean sweet potato casserole, so that's that.  But on Tuesday, I took my wife skills to the next level.  We were given a turkey and I knew I needed to use it fast or it would slowly migrate to the 'back forty' of our freezer, never to be seen again.  I figured it couldn't be too difficult.. just unwrap and pop in the oven, right?!
So, there I was in the kitchen, just me and this waiting-to-be-cooked turkey.  I arrived at step two of the directions where I was instructed to 'remove throat from neck cavity'.  My first reaction was slightly horrified shock that this bird came complete with a neck?!  Second reaction: hilarious laughter!!  It bubbled up inside and came spilling out of my very own 'neck cavity', filling the kitchen.  Yep, I had the giggles.  My funny bone had officially been tickled and it felt wonderful.  I wish I could have shared this moment with someone; laughter truly is the best medicine!
After regaining my composure, for the most part, and removing the stranger parts of this bird (also, possibly flapping his wings a time or two..) I seasoned that turkey and baked it.  Derek gave my 'Thanksgiving in March' a five star rating and we've been enjoying leftovers all week.  Turns out, there was a lot more potential in that turkey than I first realized; much more than meets the eye.  But it also took more work than I had anticipated.  Did you know you have to wash and dry a turkey?  Season the entire thing, inside and out?  And remember to keep it moist while baking??  That's why I tell this story..  because there is much in my life that reminds me of this turkey.  Many things that started off in neat little packages, leading me to believe it was as simple as 'popping it in the oven', only to realize how much more was involved!  In the same way that food tastes better when it's home made, there is such great joy found in the things of life that require hard work, diligence and truly investing of ourselves.

Take, for instance, marriage.  Many people I love are getting married this summer.  This has made me reflect on my very own special day and realize just how incredibly far Derek and I have come since that perfect summer afternoon.  I loved him then, but we were just taking the turkey out of the freezer.  You can say 'mmm.. I sure love turkey!' before doing any of the work.  Now, I realize my analogy is lacking on multiple levels and I'm not comparing our relationship to turkey basting!  But Derek and I have done life next to each other- day in and day out- for almost four years, now.  We've had countless adventures and we've faced hardships and tough decisions.  We've ventured far, attempted crazy things and we've had to decide whether to use money to pay bills or buy food.  We've laughed, we've cried and we've had more water fights than I can count.
Derek and I are learning each other, over and over, deeper and deeper; every day, each moment.  We cheer the other one on, ask the hard questions, hold the throw up bowl, give of ourselves when we'd rather not.  Marriage is so much more than meets the eye.  It is the most incredible bond, the fiercest of dedication and trust.  I love being married to my best friend.  It's a journey, it's hard work, and it is a privilege.  I know in the grand scheme of things we are just barely scratching the surface.. but from where I stand, we've journeyed far and discovered depths we didn't know existed.

Another 'neat little package' we recently unwrapped: having a baby!  'It'll be fun', we said!  And it has been; over and over, a thousand times better than we could ever have imagined.  But when it comes to this baby turkey, there is a heck of a lot more than meets the eye.  There are bodily fluids in plenty, unknowns, sleepless nights and frustrations.  Our family has grown tremendously in the past year.  We've seen each other at our worst.  We've found in ourselves a strength we didn't know we had and that is empowering!  Then we came to the END of what we had to give and realized our desperate need for a Strength NOT our own.
Being parents is an enormous challenge, the most incredible blessing and one of the greatest joys we've ever known.  It is also messy and it is 24/7 and there is no instruction manual!  We are crazy about our tiny son.  He is constantly making us laugh, requiring us to give of ourselves, helping us re-prioritize.  He has changed our lives immeasurably and we are just getting started!  There are certainly things we miss (mostly, sleep) but we wouldn't trade this for anything.  We are honored to be the ones raising this little man; Derek and I truly believe that Owen is a reward from God (Psalm 127:3)  Training them up 'in the way they should go', however, is not a task for the faint of heart. (Proverbs 22:6)  This is a turkey we will invest in for the rest of our lives!  What a challenge.. to raise a warrior!  What a joy! I can only imagine all the adventures in store :)

Now, if there's a moral to any of this story, it's that the best things in life require something of us.  The turkey just tastes better after being gutted, seasoned and basted by yours truly.  The relationships that will last a life time are the ones we make time for, that we are truly devoted to.  This makes me think deep about my walk with Christ.  I'm not talking 'works', salvation is a free gift that simply needs accepting.  I'm talking about where you go from there; the day in and day out.  The nitty gritty that is true of any genuine relationship.  'For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.' Matthew 6:21  
Where is my heart?  What do I go running to when I have a split second of free time.  Instagram?  I need to invest myself in treasures that go beyond this lifetime.  I need to prioritize!  Just as I've committed to less time on my phone and more time with the loves right in front of me, I need to put less focus on the things of this world and more on the things of God.  'He must become greater; I must become less.' John 3:30
What truly matters in this life?  The relationships I'm serious about are the ones that I will stay awake all night for.  I will humble myself and say I'm sorry, I will face fears, I will go out of my way, I will trade a shower for a tickle fight, I will go to any lengths: for my husband, for my son.  What about for the One who rescued me from an eternity in Hell?  The One who died to set me free?  What will I do for time alone with Him?  What do I need to say no to in order to give Him more than three minutes before my eyes slide shut at night?  These are hard questions and I'm asking them entirely of myself.  But I want to share them with you. Luke 6:45 says that the mouth speaks what the heart is full of and today I need to roll up my sleeves and dig deep, asking myself what I want my heart to be full of.

'Meet me where I'm at' by: Owen

From the mouth of babes..

Hi friends!!  I'm two days short of eight months old and that means it's time for an update.  I know you're all wondering what I've been up to.  (Although my mom's picture posting is borderline paparazzi so I guess you've got a pretty good idea!)  Anyway, living life in this big, beautiful world is a full time job.  And, WOW, have I discovered some neat stuff..  

First things first, DIRT!  I'm obsessed with dirt.  My Mom finallllly embraced the truth that she can't always keep me clean. Now I get to dig my hands down deep in the ground.   It trickles through my fingers, colors my feet a nice shade of brown and cakes itself under my fingernails; I positively can not get enough of it.
I'm a big fan of my nightly bath, but my favorite way to get cleaned up from a solid dirt session is hose time.  Usually I do this with my Dad.  He comes home from work, we're both covered in dirt and it only makes sense to bust out this magical, water dispensing tube and play in the front yard!

Speaking of yards, mine is fantastic!!  I spend almost every waking minute outside; there is so much to see!  In the afternoons my Mom spreads a blanket in the backyard and we lay on our backs and look up at the bamboo.  She tells stories and I keep up a running commentary with my mimicking and various pterodactyl sounds.  We sing a lot of songs together, throw the stick for Kai and usually end up having a tickle fight unless she has to go fishing for leaves in my mouth. I don't know WHY she's so adamant about me not swallowing them?  But that usually puts a damper on our fun..
Oh, I had my first wound!  My Christmas present was a jumper and it took me awhile to realize its full potential but, let me tell you, that contraption is FUN!  Only problem is that I jumped a little too hard for a little too long and rubbed off a few layers of skin from my big toe!  I wasn't overly concerned about it, but I did bleed all over the patio and... you guessed it, Mom freaked.  It's good practice for her, though.. I do all these things for her own good, preparing her for the next few years, lifetime!  Plus, I am the proud owner of Despicable Me bandaids, now; totally worth it!

All this outside time has resulted in my very first farmer's tan!  Mom thinks it's cute, Dad thinks I need to go shirtless like a real man.  All I know is that I love where we live.  My parents do, too.  At night we take walks together and watch the sun set.  And last weekend, for Daddy's birthday, they went paddle boarding.. without me!  They had so much fun, though, I suppose I can forgive them for leaving me behind.  Plus, I got to stay with an auntie that I really love.  

I know, I know.. you all want to know if I'm crawling and the answer is no.  I figure, why rush?  But I can do a mean 'inchworm' and always surprise my Mom with where I end up when she's distracted at our part time office job!  Gotta keep her on her toes! 

Now, where were we?  New discoveries.  I've noticed my parents start flailing their limbs whenever people are coming or going.  Not sure where they learned this gesture they call a 'wave', but it sure is entertaining and I've started joining in on the action.  I'm also starting to figure out these signs my Mom does over and over and over.. last week I tried out the one for 'all done' (just to humor her!) and she almost had a heart attack!  (I tell you what..she's such a sucker!)  My Kai dog is still all things awesome and we can spend quality time together now that I'm not so fragile.  Up until this point I think our relationship was pretty one-sided, but now that I'm a food flinger and leave a trail of cheerios in my wake, he's really warming up to me.  

Oh, yeah, food!  At this point, I can take it or leave it.  But my Mom puts a lot of effort into cooking and blending new things for me to try so, once again, I humor her!  I do have a few favorites though; pears, sweet potatoes and yogurt- combined! That, my friends, is a breakfast of champions!  Don't get me started on peas, though.. let's just say, my Dad was right!

Hey, how's two teeth for a bit of new?  I'm looking around and noticing most people have a whole mouth full of these pearly whites, though.  This is not extremely encouraging because popping those suckers out is hard work!  First I was hot, melting point hot!  And if that wasn't bad enough, my Mom insisted on taking my temperature 300 times a day!  Then I had gastrointestinal issues that you're better off not  hearing the details on.  I lost my appetite and didn't do much sleeping... oh wait, I'm on a sleep strike and haven't actually slept through the night in three months.  (But I'll leave THOSE fun stories to my Mom..)

I've moved into a big boy carseat, although we refer to it as a 'rocket ship' in these parts.  And I had my first hair cut!  I was still growing out a few of my newborn hairs and Daddy decided a trim was in order.  Don't worry, Mom made him put the buzzer on the longest attachment.

As you can see, it's been a wild ride!!  Lots of changes and new and ups and downs and laughing and crying.  Every night I hear my Mama pray to Jesus, 'meet me where I'm at'.  She's thanking Him for doing the meeting and asking for strength to do the same, to meet me.  Most everyone loves to meet me but she means an entirely different type of 'meeting'.  It's in the backyard quiet times, the front yard happy times, the food flinging and every single first- her and Daddy are there!  But beyond that, it's in the times when I refuse to sleep, the times I'm covered in poo and the times I'm feeling especially clingy.  My parents meet me there, in the not-so-fun and the downright painful or disgusting.  Daddies and Mamas get a front row seat to all the cuteness and giggles and firsts.  They also get to do all the 'behind the scenes' work.  They don't get to clock out, these guys are in it for the long run and they don't always like it but they do always love me.  And that is the meeting she's talking about, the meeting that hurts but makes life worth living.  This meeting is what Jesus does for us, and now we do our best to follow His example.  '1 John 4:19 We love because He first loved us.'

anywhere else-->

'I wouldn't want to be anywhere else..'  Derek and I were parked at our very own drive-in theater; only infinitely better.  The car was our front porch and the movie was the setting sun!  We sat in comfortable silence, watching in awe as the the brilliant light breathed its color into the remaining moments of a rainy, black and white day.  Breath taking!
Fast forward.  Nestled in the crook of my arm, with his adorable, pudgy hand resting on my chest, Owen drifts off to sleep.  He is everything sweet, snuggly and freshly bathed lavender smells.  He is the tiniest angel I've ever seen and the privilege of knowing him, raising him, kissing him- is all mine!  And again, I whisper 'I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.'

The past few weeks (and all of life, really..) have been jam packed with these moments!  My heart fills to overflowing with a love so strong it literally hurts.  I see beauty so rich it brings tears.  Evening walks, a Saturday at the ocean, laughing with my love, giggling with our boy- these are a few of my favorite things.  An ongoing 'Farkle' competition, bonfires with friends, ticklish little man thighs, a quiet moment with my Bible; the essence of life!  Smelling flowers, juicing oranges, watching Owen's absolute delight as he learns the feeling of dirt under fingernails.  These are the pieces of a collage; my beautiful, messy, wouldn't-trade-it-for-anything collage of life.  And I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.
Nothing about this journey is easy.  But it is everything beautiful!  I made an attempt at describing to my boys this longing to 'frame these moments' and they laughed at my mushiness.  I'm serious, though!  My husband's arms around me, holding tight, after I've been the one to hold everything together all day.. I breathe in the familiarity and wish to savor that feeling forever.  I see the smile of my tiny son as I enter the room and my heart swells with a feeling only motherhood can teach you, a feeling I'd love to bottle.  Homemade pie and ice cream, water fights and watching the breaching of whales from our yard; time marches on and these moments are priceless.  I long to capture each one but all I can do is thank the Giver and choose to live fully right then and there!

People ask me what I do all day and I struggle with an answer.  How does one begin to sum up eskimo kisses and rainy day blanket forts?  I tickle toes and wipe tears (his and mine!) and watch in fascination as he discovers the potential in a cardboard box or paper towel roll!  My son and I are astronauts, we're deep sea divers, we're book worms.  He moves his hands as though directing an orchestra or perfecting his balance for surfing; I marvel at the potential in this little man!  I get frustrated.  I question my sanity.  We take long walks so that I can breathe deep.  And I love him so fiercely, it takes my breath away.
Days are made up of moments.  Life is a collage.  When you're watching a life blossom right in front of you it becomes impossible to simply answer 'How was your day?'  It's infinitely more complex than 'Pretty good!' or 'Well, not great..' !  I may not have left the house (or changed out of my pajama pants!) but I FEEL like I summited Everest as I watch my son growing and maturing at a speed I can't comprehend!  I also feel like I went three rounds in the ring with a grizzly bear!  I'm worn out and I have a kink in my back and I am humbled by the privilege it is to be able to do this.  Motherhood is a high calling and I don't want to be anywhere else!

Derek and I don't feel the need to go wild with presents on Valentine's day.  We're not against the holiday, and you won't find either one of us turning down a perfectly good box of chocolates!  But there is a lot of emphasis placed on this day, this one day a year for proving your affection, and doesn't that go against the grains of true love?  True love sticks by your side through thick and thin, it is 365 days a year; this love remains regardless of how unlovable you may be.  Don't get me wrong, Valentine's Day is very fun and a great excuse for a date night.  But real love is self-less, not something earned by the number of roses or obnoxiously huge size of teddy bear.  My man loves me steady, loves me regardless of me, loves me at my best and my worst.  Being married to your best friend is an incredible adventure and I wouldn't want to be... you guessed it, anywhere else!

There's not a lot of rhyme or reason to this post; the result of going so many weeks without blogging, I suppose!  I have been a little busy.  Busy with living, with sunrise chasing, with relationship building.  I've committed to focusing on the moment at hand, putting down the cell phone, leaving the to-do list behind and embracing the now!  My son is seven months old!  He has one tooth and is actively working on revealing number two.  He has a sense of humor, he loves sweet potatoes and he does an impressive 'inch worm'.  Even spending a few hours away from him means I'll probably miss something new.  And there's no rewind button!
Derek's business continues to grow and can I just take a minute to say how INCREDIBLY PROUD OF HIM I am?!  This man amazes me on a daily basis and it is an honor to be his wife!  His going non-stop, however, plus my part-time secretary work at our church, means that we need to make time for sitting down with each other.  Clearing the table and playing a game, sitting outside and watching the end of a day, mulling over Proverbs together; we're learning to be deliberate about taking time for us.

This life is bursting at the seams with goodness.  James 1:17 says 'Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.'  Every good and perfect gift!  It's up to us to realize these gifts for what they are, grabbing on to the moments, being present and giving our all.  May we see the treasures in an average day, smell the flowers, laugh deep and continually express our love, day in and day out, regardless of how it's received.  Let's live with a thankful heart, live with eyes open to all that God has for us right here and right now.  Let's live as though we wouldn't want to be anywhere else!  

A fit throwing masterpiece!

As I wrestle yet another plastic bag from the impressive grasp of my boy I experience one of those 'lightbulb moments'.  It dawns on me that I'm actually guilty of this same, ridiculous grabbing as much, if not more so, than my tiny son.  Although I'm quick to replace the potential for suffocating with a rattle, ball or his best friend, Tigger, Owen still finds it necessary to express his extreme displeasure.  In short, my child has learned to throw a fit!  And as silly as it seems to me..  I realize that I'm at fault, too.
I grab on all the time; be it to sleep, time or a cutesy idea of what an 'ideal' life looks like.  I stake my claim; it's MINE!  I get so attached, in fact, that I could easily be mistaken for a slobbery, seven month old.  And then it's taken away.  Of course, it's usually in my best interest and often times replaced with something better, yet I fail to see that in the moment!!  I refuse to focus on anything but the fact that the precious, grocery bag that could potentially suffocate me has been pried out of my grubby little fingers.  And I throw a fit.
These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Matthew 6:32 NLT

Owen teaches me a lot.  Or rather, God uses Owen to teach me a lot.  This fit throwing 'lightbulb' was just one of many realizations I've had in the past few days.  We're still not sleeping very much but I'm finally seeing through the fog and grasping the reality of something deeper at work in this.  I'm being taught, refined, sculpted.  And it can be incredibly painful; this chipping away at parts of me.  But it's only once the Artist is free to shave away the imperfections that a masterpiece begins to emerge.
Isaiah 64:8 'Yet you, LORD, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.' NIV

This week required much of me, including honesty and vulnerability.  I finally realized how vital it was to voice the turmoil inside me.  Sleep deprivation had taken its toll and I was starting each day ready for it to be over.  I found myself becoming frustrated about little things and the running commentary in my mind was becoming increasingly sarcastic and gripey.  Something had to give.  At last I admitted to Derek that I was burnt out.  I talked out frustrations with trusted friends and they prayed with me!  It's hard to find the right words because I absolutely love being a Mom.  But that doesn't change the fact that this is one of the hardest roles I've ever stepped into.  Owen is one of my greatest responsibilities.  He is one of my greatest treasures but that doesn't mean he doesn't present some great difficulties! Training up a warrior is not a task for the faint of heart.  And attempting it on only three hours of sleep is next to impossible.

My devotional consistently reminds me 'Do not be ashamed of your exhaustion.  Instead, see it as an opportunity for Me to take charge of your life.  Remember that I can fit everything into a pattern for good, including the things you wish were different...'  And as the sleepless nights continue, the more I find myself pressing into Jesus.  In my desperation I realize my need for a strength greater than my own, a love deeper than what I have to offer and a grace that covers infinitely more than I can comprehend.  At this point I'm running to Jesus not because it's what I know I'm supposed to be doing but because He is the only One that can keep me afloat.   
2 Corinthians 1 eludes to a near death experience for Paul and although our sleeping issues certainly don't qualify as 'deadly peril', the words in verses eight and nine certainly resonate. 'We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia.  We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself.  Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death.  But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.  He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again.  On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us.'

Like I said, God's using Owen to teach me a lot.  Our life is full right now and we are grateful; but it can be overwhelming.  We definitely relate to this feeling of 'great pressure' and there have been moments where we question our ability to endure.  I have no idea why Owen's not sleeping, we've tried every trick and tactic!  But at the same time, I know EXACTLY why this happening.  'That we might not rely on ourselves, but on God, who raises the dead.'  
Jesus has reached right in and pried from these fingers things like 'MY' right to a good night's sleep, 'MY' pride and 'MY' ability to have it all together.  He's chiseling away imperfections.  I feel incredibly exposed!  But as I high tail it for the security of my Papa, I begin to see the purpose in all of this!  Not that I need to know why God does anything.  I know that His purposes and plans are so much greater that I can imagine, extending farther than my tiny brain can fathom.  But in this season I do believe He's allowing me a small glimpse of His work.  He's taking from me things I was incredibly attached to and is replacing them with something infinitely better, the opportunity to rely fully on Him.

 Unfortunately, I don't think I've learned the lesson in it's entirety.  Brew another pot of coffee, folks, because I still do my fair share of fit throwing.  But He is faithful.  And just as God continues to deliver me (often times, from my self!) I will continue to meet Owen in the middle of the night.. for as long as it takes.  I thank Jesus for this time and, just like Paul, I will set my hope on the One 'that will continue to deliver us.'  I embrace these times of sculpting, knowing that the Artist sees in little-old-fit-throwing me, the potential for a masterpiece!