'Mommy's here'

Sweet boy Owen, you are half way through your second year of life. My how time flies.

You're a wild man; adventurous, funny and have yet to develop an ounce of separation anxiety. When they announce that it's time for Sunday School you run all the way to the classroom without ever looking back. What a brave explorer. There are times for holding Mommy's hand, though... (Mommy's and no one else's!) and, yep, those moments sure melt my heart. Thank you for each sweet kiss and for being so quick to say 'luh you' :) I love you too, sweetheart! 

My little chatter box; I get so excited about your blossoming vocabulary and the fact that we understand each other more with each day. Your willingness to try any word or animal sound we conjure up provides endless entertainment! I need to take more videos. Each stage and phase and homemade word ('nanu' for light and 'gagu' for milk!) last only a short time. Right now you pronounce 'birdie' with a french accent, 'beerday', which is quite possibly the cutest thing I've ever heard!
You're built like a linebacker and the way you flat out tackle me on the kitchen floor makes a future in the NFL look promising. Your hair is long and wild and I have to comb out the dread locks on a daily basis! Mischief and curiosity are always mixed in to your expression and our adventures just keep getting better. Your speedometer is usually set to 'fast' and climbing is your preferred method of maneuvering any given object (or human being!) That makes it even sweeter when I find you sitting quietly in your room, reading a book or rocking your teddy bear. I pray that you will always be the definition of tough while keeping your heart tender and compassionate. Not all men can find that balance. I see a lot of your Daddy in you and that's my favorite.

You have a servant heart, my son. It's incredible to watch you grab a cloth and start wiping down the breakfast table or throwing your trash away without being asked. You love to help and, needless to say, that makes my day! I wonder when you'll realize that vacuuming is not exactly the epic adventure you seem to think it is? I wonder if everyday, ordinary objects can always seem as magical as you believe them to be right now.

I wonder about a lot of things, actually. How much longer will I be able to kiss these pudgy feet that are too thick for most shoes your size. Am I teaching you the right things, do we play enough games and how long will it take for that play-doh to pass through your digestive system? I wonder about your future. I wonder if we'll survive temper tantrums (yours and mine!) and I wonder what you'll remember about our days spent together. I wonder if your eyes will stay like mine and I wonder if I'll be able to remember the priceless sound of your giggle once you are grown. I wonder if I'm doing any of this 'right'. 

I never wonder about my love for you, though. Don't ever ever doubt that, son. I will love you every single day of your life! We won't always agree; the hurt feelings and time outs and teeth gritted in frustration are guaranteed. We may not always like each other but my love will never falter. As I whisper to you in the night, 'Mommy's here', so it will be for the rest of our days.. whether you like it or not, I'll be here.
xo
Mama

A cookie in the parking lot..

I was juggling my little man from hip to hip, tossing our broccoli, milk and a few Christmas gifts on to the Target conveyor belt when she got in line behind me. Two swim suit wearing girls hung on the sides begging for pizza, 'Puhhleaaaseee, Mom!' and the baby in the cart was wailing loud as snot ran down his face. She looked tired, distracted; like she hadn't slept for a full night in a very.long.time.
Owen was quick to point out the 'BABYYYY' and I felt bad that he had drawn attention to the chaos erupting behind us. It wasn't that I passed any judgement, I quickly learned that lesson at the beginning of motherhood- I have no idea what that Mama may be facing or what kind of night she just survived. But I didn't exactly go out of my way to encourage her, either.
As we loaded our purchases into the truck and Owen hung on Kai's neck (even a short separation is too long for those two..) the window of the mini-van next to us slowly rolled down. It was the same family. The little girl looked up with big eyes, 'Is that your dog?' 'What's his name?' 'Is he friendly?' To which I replied, 'Yes', 'Kai' and 'Very friendly!' She grinned from ear to ear as she held up the tupperware and asked if we'd like a cookie. They were homemade, chocolate with red and green m&m's; the fall-apart-in-your-mouth kind! And the Mom looked right at me and wished us a good day and a Merry Christmas. That's when I saw something different in her eyes. The exhaustion remained but I saw joy, too. I caught a glimpse of her heart and it was beautiful. 
We all know that 'it's not about the presents' this time of year but I forget to live that out. In all the hustle and bustle and baking and wrapping, I know I haven't been making time to give away any melt-in-your-mouth goodness to complete strangers. And maybe parts of that woman's life are messy, she probably is distracted and worn out, but she took time to roll down her window and she encouraged her babies to GIVE. They were spreading joy, learning to be a blessing, and that's the most 'Christmasy' thing I saw all day. Just a cookie in the parking lot, but it made me think twice about where my priorities were at.
Then this morning I read Ephesians 5 and Paul starts right off by saying 'Follow God's example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. So if the 'reason for the season' truly is Jesus Christ and His gift to mankind was HIMSELF, then maybe our presence matters infinitely more than the presents. Jesus 'lived a life of love' and 'gave himself up for us' and now we are called to follow that example. Could it be that the sharing of our time, our energy, our fresh baked goods with people that can not repay us is the real secret to making the holidays memorable?
Derek and I have an incredible opportunity in front of us with our tiny son and the Christmases we will spend together. Of course the world will tell him it's about Santa, red-nosed reindeers and an endless list of toys, but we can instill in him a very different idea. If we use this time of year to bless the socks off others and make it exciting and fun, he will grow up wanting to continue that tradition! If we can actually show him, by our actions, that this time of year is not, as the commercials would have us believe, all about us... that truth will take root in his heart. If we can SLOW.DOWN from our mach speed pursuit of ensuring every detail is perfect and simply sit with him and talk about that baby in the manger, he will learn the deeper meaning of what a gift truly is!

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. 

[Isaiah 9:6]

More than I could bear..

“I want to see beauty. In the ugly, in the sink, in the suffering, in the daily, in all the days before I die, the moments before I sleep.”  Ann Voskamp

I borrowed an idea from my cousin, this putting words to my thanks for the thirty days of November. I've done it for a few years and, for the most part, found it a simple and easy task leading up to Turkey Day. But this time around has been different. This month has been a hard road to walk and there were days where I did not want to look for beauty amidst the mess. I did not want to be thankful.

No one said giving thanks would be easy, but in 1 Thessalonians Paul does say to do it in all circumstances; he says it truly is God's will for us, this lifestyle of thanksgiving. And so, I kept on with the thanking. 
I wish I could say that my motives were purely spiritual, but honestly, I just can't stand to back out of a challenge once I've begun. And so, I had to be deliberate about the thanking. There were days when the goodness was not incredibly obvious. I had to make a choice to call out that which was good amidst the pain and then thank the Giver. And it did something inside me. 
It's easy to give thanks for the obvious. It's when the obvious is lacking and you have to dig a bit deeper; that's where transformation begins. I found myself searching for good in the yuck and the heart break and the lump in my throat and what I found was surprising. I found grace where I least expected it. I found that there was still reason for a grateful heart in the darkest of circumstances. Why would God tell me to give thanks no matter what unless there would always be reason to do so? 

So here's where I'm going to say something crazy. (Don't say I didn't warn you!) See, I can't find anywhere in the Bible where it actually says 'God won't give us more than we can handle'. What I DO find in 1 Corinthians 10:13 is Paul's assurance about God, that 'he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will provide a way out so that you can endure it.' I think that's where we start to miss-quote. But the thing is, there are countless scriptures referring to believers being overwhelmed and obviously faced with more than they can handle! In 2 Corinthians 1:8 we find Paul describing a situation in which they were 'under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself.'  
This would be incredibly depressing if not for what Paul says next (in verse 9), 'But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.' And I'm reminded, once again, that it's not about me and my strength but the power of the One who calls into being that which is not and yes, RAISES THE DEAD! And so I'm just going to say it and you don't have to keep reading, but I think we are faced with things we can't bear. I think God allows difficulties and sickness to touch our lives; circumstances that will be painful and difficult and heart breaking, SO THAT we can realize our need for a Strength not our own. 
And as for that misquoted verse, about the tempting? Well, yeah.. I was very tempted to wallow in my sorrow this week. We made multiple trips to the ER as my husband battled a poisonous and very infected (Brown Recluse suspected) bite. We mourned the loss of my Grandpa and I missed out on the gathering of my parents and all four brothers in one place, at one time. The Devil wanted me to give in to the overwhelming emotions I faced. And I did, several times. I'm not proud of that. But God did provide a way out, He does every time. And the vehicle for escape in this situation was THANKSGIVING. (See, it really is all connected! Bear with me here..)

Chesterton said "Hope is the power of being cheerful in circumstances that we know to be desperate." And we're not talking a 'fake', Pollyanna-kind-of-cheerful here. Ecclesiastes 3:4 says there is 'a time to weep' and 'a time to mourn' and I did those in plenty this past week. But to rely on the God who controls it all, to realize the GOOD that only He can bring out of any and every situation; that is where HOPE begins. That is the way out that He provides when we are tempted to give in to despair, to grumbling, to worry. And that's why the other part of Ecclesiastes 3:4 talks of laughing and dancing, because it's all connected. Giving thanks brings freedom. Giving thanks might not change circumstances but it sure changes hearts. And giving thanks has the power to draw our attention off of the situation and on to Jesus! 
So I'm discovering diamonds in the rough, chasing grace through the whirlwind of life. It might be scary to acknowledge that we'll face things we can not handle. But it is in the reaching and acknowledging of our own limitations that we can rely fully on the One who is truly in control. And choosing to be grateful, even on the dark days, is what thanksgiving is truly about.

'...the secret to joy is to keep seeking God where we doubt He is.' Ann Voskamp

Mud Drenched Goodness

'A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.'     Proverbs 17:22

Mud of the stickiest, gooiest and slimiest variety had taken over a rather large section of our back yard. Suddenly our house felt like a holding cell as I avoided outings that would potentially take us anywhere near...the mud.  And when we did have to traverse the dreaded section of lawn, I carried Owen up high in attempts of distracting him from the slime squishing beneath my feet.
I managed to keep this act up until a few days ago; it was an afternoon flung wide open with absolutely zero excuses to avoid the mess. I was tired of holding the squirmy, flailing, 'please-please-put-me-down' little boy. And so, I put him down!  His toes squished deep into the mess and he looked up at me with part question, part astonishment that this was, indeed, happening. Was this really allowed? And in response to that questioning gaze, I kicked off my flip flops and waded in right next to him.

Mud never hurt anyone. Sure, it's messy and stinky and manages to get in hair and on clothes and under fingernails. But it's just mud and it was time to let my boy revel in it himself. Time to enjoy the not-so-finer things of life :) And what a fabulously, disgusting frolic we had that afternoon! It was a 'little thing' that meant the world to one sweet, little man.
It mattered to Owen because I took the time to do something that served the singular purpose of fun; ridiculous, giggle-filled fun. And as we hosed off our toes..and legs.. okay, bodies! A thought came to me.. God does this for me all the time. Not specifically the mud pie making. But He consistently gives gifts which serve the singular purpose of delight and pleasure! He is constantly opening my eyes to beauty that exists simply to be beautiful and bring a smile to my lips.
            'For the Lord takes delight in his people..' Psalm 149:4

It brought me so much pleasure to laugh with Owen and watch him thoroughly enjoy our personal mud hole. How much more does Jesus take pleasure in seeing us enjoy Him, His creation, and 'little things' scattered throughout our day that are intended to fill us with joy and hope! Last Friday, as we enjoyed a crisp, clear night absolutely perfect for a bonfire and toasting marshmallows, I smiled up at the sky, knowing that the God of the universe was pleased!
We ventured out on paddle boards this Sunday and out there in the middle of the ocean we were suddenly surrounded by a huge pod of dolphins! Cherry on top of an incredible afternoon. They were spinning and diving; showing off just for us! And as we take time to delight in the moment and relish the beauty of God's creation; savoring that which exists simply to declare His glory, I know He is smiling!

'Ask the animals, and they will teach you, or the birds of the air, and they will tell you; or speak to the earth, and it will teach you, or let the fish of the sea inform you. Which of these does not know that the hand of the Lord has done this?' Job 12:7-9

It's easy to get caught up in the business. Even as a stay-at-home Mama, life can get ridiculously 'full'. Despite my best intentions, it remains terribly difficult to take 'alone time' or get out on a date with my best friend! But those times of refreshment and refueling are incredibly important! This life is meant to be enjoyed, not simply survived. And on the home front: taking time to do messy projects, initiate a dance party or lay on my belly next to Owen watching a caterpillar inch across the grass: those 'little things' are what will truly make a life FULL and rich! Afternoons drenched in mud are the memories my son will hold on to.
So, maybe we all need to be reminded of this; enjoying God and letting Him enjoy US! Let's make time for the activities we're crazy about, no matter how ridiculous it may seem. Remember [or find out!] what you are passionate about. Spend time with the people you love. Get outside today, breath in fresh air and simply enjoy the moments specifically designed to fill your cup. Smile up towards the sky and thank the One who sprinkles goodness, grace and the occasional muddy mess throughout the most hectic of days.

'The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.' Psalm 19:1

Long Haul

Turns out, I really enjoy chores that offer immediate, obvious results. Making the bed, for example, is fairly simple and the outcome is obvious improvement to the entire state of a bedroom.  Dishes, too! Derek would have me take better advantage of the dish washer but I honestly love plunging my hands into that soapy water and scrubbing away the grime. A drying rack full of sparkling plates and utensils is easily achieved and oh-so-rewarding; a legitimate form of therapy at the end of a tiresome day.
The undertakings in this life that truly matter, however, do not usually offer immediate results or boast of obvious, easy success. Darn it. When it comes to faith, marriage, parenting, leaving a legacy, making an impact, building lasting relationships, or anything at all that makes this life worth living- you better believe we're in it for the long haul. Choosing to invest time, energy and efforts into the lives of actual human beings around us is no small feat. If there was 'fine print' it would read 'feelings of exhaustion 99.9% guaranteed.' But these long haul investments are why we are on this planet.

As I battled both physical and emotional fatigue (and quite possibly a bad attitude) this last weekend, Jesus met me with two truths. First, 'let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.' Galatians 6:9  Keep on keeping on! 'Doing good' most definitely wears a girl out but I am told to persevere. The harvest will come and it will be epic, but this is not yet 'the proper time'. This is the time for sowing seed, working the fields. Whether it's in the life of my husband, tiny son, friends or the cashier I'm getting to know at Target, today is a day to invest. And I can be confident that, regardless of the when, how or whether I even get to witness it, there will be a harvest to reap someday.
Invest yourself even when you don't feel like it! For me, right now, it's getting down on the floor and playing games, being consistent, being present, folding five piles of laundry, and braving the Costco run. It might look different for you but the the encouragement is for us all; we must not give up.

This would be an overwhelming task if not for the second truth: 'being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.' Philippians 1:6 The One who made me, loves me, saved me, pursues me regardless of my attitude.. yeah, He's in it for the long haul and He will NEVER give up. He is my motivation and the source of strength so desperately needed to run this race. Jesus is working within me and that is why I can keep investing in the lives He's placed around me.
And, thankfully, those sweet and easily-achieved moments of success or delight are generously sprinkled throughout our journey, too. A Pupu platter (Hawaiian term for appetizers :), if you will! It does a heart good to enjoy those contented sighs after a home cooked meal has been devoured!  Big smiles after a water fight in the front yard, fresh squeezed orange juice and laughing with friends are a beautiful part of life. (Power washing our sidewalk did a world of good for my mental state this last weekend.)
Persevere, yes. But at the same time- if you're burnt out, find a way to refuel and be inspired! These truths go hand in hand. We're committed to the long haul; we invest, by the grace of God, in a harvest that will be reaped in the future. AND we take time to savor the beauty of today, remembering that we are all a work in progress and, thank goodness, the One working us all out is in it for the long haul!

'Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith..' Hebrews 12:1-2 

Legacy of Love

So, I'm just going to say it: We're all searching for the meaning of life.  We want to know why we're here, if we matter, and whether anything we do today will make any difference at all.  I mean, seriously. We read books, peruse the blogs and seek out inspiration in its various forms. Sure, there are phases where we feel incredibly motivated and fulfilled but, for one reason or another, the search continues. This weekend I discovered an old truth in a new way.  I gleaned treasure from an unexpected source.

I've never been especially fond of funerals. (Not that anyone really is..) But we went to one this weekend; a memorial service.  A wonderful woman fought a fierce battle with cancer and is now dancing with Jesus.  I didn't ever have the privilege of meeting her; we are friends of the family. Derek did meet her, right after a bout with chemo but before you could see the vibrant life being drained from her body.
We went in support of the family but by the time we left I felt as though I was family. This woman's love for Jesus was so incredibly contagious; it spilled out of every single person that got up to share and it wrapped itself around all those who had gathered. Her faith is one that will continue to impact and inspire countless lives. And without ever having met this woman, she was able to remind me of truth that none of 'the books' can quite sum up. She knew that the only thing that outlives these bodies we inhabit is the love we give away. Love is what makes anything worth doing; makes every moment matter!

This woman left a legacy of love; love for Jesus and love for all those around her. She has four sons and they each stood up and shared about their Mom. I haven't been to a funeral since becoming a Mama and I had no idea how their words would affect me. These boys, now men with lives and babes of their own, talked of a woman who had always been for them.  The road she journeyed in this life was not an easy one, but she kept her eyes on the One who makes it worth walking and let His love flow through her.  They remembered her coming for them time and time again, sitting with them, praying over them; she never gave up on them and their lives are testimony of her love!
When Jesus was asked about the greatest commandment He replied ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” [Matthew 22:37-40]

That sums it all up, then; love? And we're wondering if it can be that simple. I know you're facing hard decisions or overwhelming debt, family members are sick or maybe life feels exhausting and mundane.  I'm over here just rolling meatballs, singing the alphabet song, changing poopy diapers and wondering when I last did my crunches. What we do today may seem like nothing special but if it translates to LOVE to even one person, then it means everything.
Jesus said it all hangs on this and I believe Him! I saw it spelled out this weekend as people stepped up and said how this woman never gave up on them and that love changed their life. She journeyed alongside many people, sharing Jesus like a broken record and...yeah, in the end, it meant everything! Paul writes it to the Galatians, 'the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.'  [Galatians 5:6]
So, don't give up. Please don't underestimate what you're doing today. Live in love; let it spill over into everything you do, no matter how weary you may be. Love makes the difference; only Love can soften hearts and it is Love that will continue working long after you've left this world and gone to dance with Jesus.

'Child, YOU MATTER!'

Sitting indian-style there on the grass, I offered up my apology.  At first, it appeared as though my son's sole focus was shredding tiny flowers from the bush in our front yard.  But when my ramblings came to an end, he took a pause from the flower demolition job.  He picked a single, pink bud between miniature thumb and index finger and oh-so-carefully brought it to his Mama.  He looked into my eyes, smiled and then was off.  He brought me more flowers, filled my whole skirt with them.  We started tossing pink buds in the air, letting them rain down on us while we giggled.  Just like that I was forgiven; shortcomings forgotten.  Sweet, sweet grace.
The reason for my apology lie somewhere between dragging Owen all across this side of the island, being a check-list gestapo and also 'needing' to attend to one hundred and one things on my phone.  All he wanted was to go outside; my sweet boy.  I know that our life can't revolve around what he wants and errands must be run but, honestly, this day I had pushed too hard.  He brought me my shoes as I vacuumed, pulled on my leg as I layered the lasagna.  I kept saying 'Almost, love... almost.'  And when we actually made it outside, just minutes before the sun was about to set, I finally got it.  Finally realized that in the rush to get everything done it's so easy to brush past the few things that matter

I've found that the sweetest of times may transpire from the most basic of ingredients.  Whether I'm with Derek or Owen or a sweet friend, the beautiful moments are made up of simply sharing in life together.  It doesn't have to be gourmet or spic' and span or expertly planned.  Looking someone in the eye and being there whether they want to talk or not; loving, laughing and refusing to be distracted- these are the only ingredients necessary to let someone know they matter!  My boys certainly appreciate delicious food but they'll be perfectly content with bean and cheese burritos if it means I'm actually sitting with them, enjoying the moment.  There's a balance of course, which I learn and re-learn on a daily basis.  But it's possible that I tend to speak a love language of doing when the ones around me hear love best through my simply being.
It was first thing in the morning, I had just heated up Owen's milk and we were both sitting on the floor rubbing sleep from our eyes.  The coffee was taking exceptionally long to brew and I was wondering why, exactly, the day had begun so early.  But pretty soon I made funny eyes at him and some milk spilled out of his crooked grin. A tickle fight ensued and the day seemed a bit less daunting.  It reminded me of times spent on the floor with MY Dad, eating ice cream and discussing the mysteries of life or... nothing at all.  I don't remember why we sat on the kitchen floor, I just remember that we did; that he would get down there with me and nothing else mattered which conveyed the most beautiful truth to me: that I MATTERED!

So, life is crazy over here.  Owen is, quite literally, a ball of energy.  Yesterday, before I could even grasp what was happening, he climbed onto a chair, pulled himself up the back and SUMMERSAULTED over the top.  Thankfully, he landed straight in my lap, but I'm fairly certain that was coincidence!  His pediatrician predicts that if he stays on his current growth curve, he'll be six feet tall!  Oh, and he's been peeing in his little man toilet!  (But, if we're being honest here I should probably admit that he's also peed on his favorite teddy bear and all over the living room rug!  Am I allowed to duct tape the diaper onto this child?)  He learns new words on a daily basis and brings us more joy than we ever thought possible!!  But, yeah.. it's a crazy life!
A few nights ago, on the way home from a downtown adventure, I reached back to the little man's carseat and he grabbed onto my hand.  His little fingers wrapped tight around mine and he held fast until we got home; a good 10 minutes!  I told Derek my arm was cramped up in ways I didn't realize possible, but there was NO WAY I was retracting my hand.  Those moments are the cherry on top.  In his own way, my tiny son was letting me know that I matter.  It can be all crazy and messy and 'Owweeennnn, stop pulling the cat's tail!'  But in that still, sweet moment with his fingers grasping mine, I know that I matter to him more than he'll ever be able to put into words.  And when my husband asks me, at the end of a day, when it's quiet and I have room to answer honestly, 'How are you holding up?' I know it then too, that he truly sees me and that I matter.
Isn't this what is so astonishing about God's grace and what He did for us?!  We matter to the King of kings! When we were at our worst He sent His Son to take our place. And in spite of having absolutely nothing to offer, He chooses US!  He gets down on our level, meets us where we're at, whispers 'Child, YOU MATTER!' He redeems us! Romans 5:8 'But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.'  And when we first realize this truth it's breathtaking; it drops us to our knees.  But as the years go by, the intensity can fade and the routine can take over and perhaps it's time to stop rushing and remember the price that was paid.  Maybe the only One that matters is calling, waiting, longing to spend time with us.  Nothing fancy, just us and Him and the truth about where we're at- but it could be the most beautiful part of our day!  It could make all the difference.
I don't know where you're at today.  Maybe you desperately need to hear the words, 'Child, YOU MATTER!' Perhaps you are lost, forgotten, broken or just distracted; it makes no difference. Jesus sees you and He will meet you where you're at because you mean EVERYTHING to Him!  Or maybe you need to rearrange some priorities; be deliberate about letting people in your life know that THEY matter to you!  More than the lists, more than keeping up appearances, more than social media or whatever your addiction may be; the people in your life (in MY LIFE!) matter more and today is the day to show them.
So, let's get after it..