I am Free!

The waves ripple and the wind caresses my face. Birds call out to one another, to the day; beckoning the rising of the sun. The chair beneath me rocks back and forth, back and forth, and some days there aren't many words or they simply feel repetitive, memorized. But not so with this day. Words spill forth from a deep well inside me and the Presence of One so much more powerful, mighty and awe-inspiring wraps itself around me. I am on holy ground.
'Acknowledge that the LORD is God! He made us, and we are his. We are his people, the sheep of his pasture.' [Psalm 100:3]
I can get so caught up in the happenings of my little life, my blurp of existence on this planet, that I lose sight. I forget that I was made by a Creator; that I am His. In the business of responsibilities and activities, shopping lists and deadlines, I begin to act as though I am running this show. And, inevitably, things spiral out of control and I'm left feeling a sad combination of failure, weariness, frustration or loneliness. But in the hush of this morning on the front porch, it's revealed to me once again: I am not my own.
'Don't you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.' [1 Corinthians 6:19-20] 

And with this simple reminder comes astonishing freedom. I am His and in Him, I am free. Freed from anxiety, freed from pressure, freed from status-quo and anything else that might try to hold me captive. I do not belong to these task masters, they can only rule over me if I let them. And why would I ever choose fear? Why would I choose the opinions of man over the truth spoken by my Creator? And yet I do, time and time again. Reverting to the 'old self', I allow lies of the enemy to lay claim to my thoughts, my emotions, my life.
'For you know that God paid a ransom to save you from the empty life you inherited from your ancestors. And it was not paid with mere gold or silver, which lose their value. It was the precious blood of Christ, the sinless, spotless Lamb of God. God chose him as your ransom long before the world began, but now in these last days he has been revealed for your sake.' [1 Peter 1:18-20]
And the familiar worship song echoes through the corridors of my mind: And when before the throne // I stand in Him complete // Jesus died my soul to save // my lips shall still repeat // Jesus paid it all // All to Him I owe // Sin had left a crimson stain // He washed it white as snow //

A ransom has been paid for my very soul. I have been released from any and every chain that would ever hope to bind me. And yet, in the hustle and bustle; in distractedness and striving and giving into feelings of anxiety or jealousy, I willingly put the chains back on myself. I offer myself as a slave to my to-do lists, to my iPhone, to the stress that comes from overfilled days where I didn't make time for what truly matters.
I am not my own but I'm really quite good at acting like I am. I charge full speed into all that 'needs to be done' only to end up shaking my head at the end of the day, wondering why I still don't feel purpose or fulfillment. I strive, I long for more, I seek approval from those around me and it all falls short of the freedom that is already mine in Jesus Christ. He sets me free and there are no strings attached; He simply asks that I wouldn't let myself be burdened again! It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.' Galatians 5:1 
May I learn to cease striving and let Him lead. May I run to Him first and foremost with every detail of the journey; knowing that only a life found in Him will be a life worth living. My debt has been paid, I am made new. But I must choose to walk in this freedom every day, each moment.
And right there in that rocking chair on the front porch, I began to raise my voice and sing, because I am His and I am FREE! O Praise the One who paid my debt // And raised this life up from the dead

Learning to Share..

You know what's awesome? Husbands. Husbands are awesome. Specifically, my husband!

Who else will kill the gigantic (as big as my hand) spider in the kitchen sink? Who else goes dumpster diving in order to bring me a fruit dehydrator? Who doesn't stop getting me birthday presents even though I somehow manage to discover what they are before the big day arrives (unintentionally this year, I promise!)?
I feel like husbands are, for the most part, overworked and under appreciated!
I write a lot about our tiny son. But that doesn't mean I don't have just as many, if not more, thoughts about my best friend. I suppose I lean towards the Owen-isms in blogging because his journey through toddler-hood runs so parallel to my journey with Jesus. But while Owen and I are a roller-coaster of emotions and falling down and getting back up, Derek is a constant.
Consistently hard working, funny, encouraging; my husband can be counted on. He loves me so well and I don't thank him enough. He is dedicated to leading our family with grace and I take that for granted. He hangs in trees all day, attached to a chainsaw, and then comes home bearing donuts! He is a rare and exceptional type of man and I am abundantly blessed to be his wife.

There is something magical about marrying your best friend and, eventually, starting a family with them. I can not put into words the feeling that comes from seeing my favorite person on the planet rocking our sweet, tiny son. But with this magic comes the fact that I now have to share my best friend. That sounds silly, but it's true. (When you read the title, you thought this was going to be about Owen learning to share, didn't you!?)
When my best friend comes home from work at night, Owen usually beats me to him. And although I have a million things to tell Derek, Owen usually has two million! And it's unbelievably sweet. But sometimes it's also hard. Sometimes I don't want to share. (See what I mean about Owen and I being on very similar journeys?!)

My best friend is a daddy; the very best kind. He's also my husband; a fantastic one! On top of everything else on his plate he now has to balance those roles and, I must admit, sometimes I'm not very helpful. I expect, I assume, I remember the days when we had each other's full attention at the dinner table. But here's the thing: if I want my children to have the absolute best dad, then I have to be willing to share my best friend.

Derek and Owen will have a bond unlike any other; a father and son connection that I will never fully understand. And that is important and vital! They need each other and I need them to need each other. Derek is teaching Owen how to be a man.
Sometimes I feel guilty leaving our tiny son with my hard working husband so that I can go regain my sanity.. but then I come home and realize they've had the best time EVER and I know that it's not only good, but necessary! And sometimes I wish for uninterrupted conversations or date nights that weren't four months apart. But I know that this chapter of life is unlike any other and it is remarkably significant.
My husband and I have had incredible adventures. We've climbed mountains, jumped out of planes, ventured to other continents... and sometimes I long for those days. But I can not underestimate the absolutely EPIC adventure unfolding before us; raising up a family, giving of ourselves and being committed to this team. We work hard and we come home exhausted and we've had to realize that entertainment and 'night's out' can look a lot different but still be excellent. And this is the adventure that will alter our lives forever. 

This was supposed to be a Father's Day post and I'm a few days late.. But I wanted to express how THANKFUL I am for my best friend. And no matter what season we are in, I can still say what I said seven years ago, 'Any adventure with you is my favorite'. I'm sorry for the times that I grow anxious for the next rush, the plane tickets to somewhere exotic (sounds kinda silly when you know I live on an island..) or the next mountaintop to summit. 

Watching Derek with our son, partnering with him in the raising up of our young warrior, looking forward to our family growing... that is the adventure of a lifetime. And, thankfully, we do manage the occasional few hours away and we slurp chow mein with chopsticks and sneak our peanut butter cups into the movie theater. These times reminds me that we had this before and we have it now amidst the chaos and, in however many years until our babies are all grown, we'll have it still- a bond that words can't describe, a love that grows deeper with each day and the adventure of doing life side by side (even when that means I have to share him..) 

Happy Father's Day, my love. 

A Closer Walk

I absolutely LOVE birthdays! So yeah, I'm 24 years old today.. but it still feels magical. We've been celebrating for awhile, that's how we do it in the Pearl house. Bubbles, berry pie, paddle boarding excursions, friends over for cheeseburgers, homemade lemonade, bonfires on the beach. Owen picks me flowers and weeds, Derek brought home a ballerina orchid! Even though I couldn't decide what I wanted for my birthday this year, it's safe to say I've been spoiled.

And then it came to me in the middle of the night, 'Just a closer walk with You..' That's what I truly want for my birthday, for this new year, for life! A walk with Jesus that keeps getting better and better. Our pastor talked about Matthew 11:28-30 yesterday. Jesus says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." 
And he shared about that yoke and how they would pair an inexperienced ox next to an experienced one, so the younger one could learn the ropes of field plowing. And Jesus isn't saying, 'put this heavy load on and I'll be behind you with the reins', He is calling us to be yoked with Him.. that we would walk alongside Him and learn from Him how to do life! 'Just a closer walk with You..' 
The closer I walk to Jesus, the more each day will become a gift in itself. As I take His yoke upon me, the more freedom I will experience. And no, that doesn't mean every day will feel as magical as a birthday; but it does mean that God will fill me with joy that the world can't explain. It means that in the difficult seasons of life He will meet me with strength and grace. And it means that He doesn't expect me to have it all figured out, He wants to teach me.. one step at a time!

So here we go, 24! I'm excited to see what this year will bring and I'm excited to walk it step by step closer to Jesus..

Because you're almost TWO!

Owen, my sweet boy. How are we approaching your second birthday at such break-neck speeds?! I thought we would have such a long time for you to be one. Thankfully, there's no age limits on toad hunting, bubble blowing, watermelon eating and rolling down hills. You may be turning two but there will still be plenty of occasions for building blanket forts, reading our favorite stories and giggling while we hide from Kai. I can still share your drippy ice cream cones, give plenty of butterfly kisses and hold you close when you 'jusss need Mommy'.

Two seems so big and monumental to me; I keep asking how it's possible that we've arrived at this milestone. But you know what, we'll wake up on your birthday and you'll simply be one day older. You'll keep on correcting me with proper terminology for heavy equipment, and when I ask if you'd like another scoop of oatmeal, you'll still respond 'just jellybeans!'
I love you so much it makes my heart hurt. Sure, we have frustrating moments and sometimes I honestly don't have the energy to 'go throw wocks' (rocks). But that doesn't mean for a second that I don't absolutely love being your Mama. You have taught me so much about myself, about life, about Jesus and about what truly matters. And I wouldn't trade these days for anything.

Our conversations are incredible. I love discovering more and more of what's inside you and glimpsing the strong man of God you will become. I love your manners: 'No, thank you!' and 'Yes, ma'am.' And I love your wild, crazy, going-to-give-me-gray-hair antics. (Although your first black eye is cause for serious grief; let's keep those to a minimum.) I love that you're a fruit addict like me and I have mixed emotions about how much you enjoy pad thai. Guess we need to order you your own plate next time.. :)
Thank you for being an explorer, for wanting to know and taste and see and feel everything! Thank you for praying with me, reminding me to 'put phone down' and smell the flowers. Thank you for every hug, every high five, every 'love you more!' I'm sorry for the times I don't savor the moments, the times I allow distractions to pull me in five different directions. Thanks for letting me learn alongside you.

Let's enjoy these last few weeks like crazy. Then you'll be two and, you know what, we'll just keep on enjoying! There's no point in getting weepy over the tiny baby that you once were, there is only time for keeping up with the monkey you are now! And boy, do I love that monkey!
xoxo
Mommy

Because of Grace!

It was the eve of Mother's Day and the meltdown was epic. By far, the worst one to date. I'll spare you the gruesome details. We didn't finish our errands and Owen and I both cried on the way home. I didn't feel like an awesome Mom. I didn't feel one bit worthy of this calling.
But there is grace. Thank goodness for GRACE!
Regardless of who we are or what path we're on, I'm willing to bet we've all had moments of feeling the exact opposite of awesome. We are all unworthy. And yet we are loved unconditionally by a God who has every reason to condemn us. Unexplainable, ridiculous grace.

But we don't receive grace so that we can stay where we are. Or we shouldn't, anyway. Grace should move us, transform us. When my tiny son grabs me around the neck and growls (his version of a 'bear' hug), it makes me want to be everything that he believes me to be. His acceptance of this mama, glaring faults and all, and forgiveness of my short comings is not a license to continue in my frustration but to strive for excellence! His grace inspires.
You know who else was given grace? The woman we get to meet in John 8. She is dragged to the very front of a crowd and her unworthiness, her short comings are declared before everyone within hearing distance. 'This woman was caught in the act of adultery.' And they don't care one bit about this woman; these religious leaders are simply using her to test Jesus. 'The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?' But Jesus bends down and writes in the dust with his finger.
I imagine the stunned silence of the gathered crowd has turned into a low hum of murmuring and whispers. As the leaders continue in their demand for answers Jesus responds, 'All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!' And he continues his writing in the dust. He's taken the heat from their argument, turned the accusations around. Who here has NEVER fallen short, Jesus wants to know, because they're the only ones with room to judge.

And as her accusers slip away in silence, the Teacher glances up in feigned surprise and asks where they went. 'Didn't even one of them condemn you?' She answers, 'No, Lord' And Jesus, the only One without a single short-coming, extends grace, beautiful grace. "Neither do I. Go and sin no more."  [taken from John 8:1-11]
Woah. Talk about grace that inspires. Obviously this woman was going to sin again... we all do, no matter how outstanding our intentions. But Jesus saw beyond that when He forgave her, freed her and said 'sin no more'. He saw in her the desire and ability to rise above. He saw what no one else saw. Jesus looked into those eyes, downcast with shame, and saw potential for greatness! And I don't know how her story goes from that point on, but I wouldn't doubt that her encounter with the Messiah inspired her to rise above.
So I want to be a grace-giver. I want to see in people what may be hidden beneath a rough exterior or particularly hard day. I also want to choose to live in the freedom that Jesus has given. He sees me, eyes downcast as I berate myself for screwing it up again and He says, 'Daughter, I don't condemn you. Now GO and sin no more!' His grace inspires me to be a better mama, a better wife, a better friend than I was yesterday. And because He extends His hand to me and picks me up out of the dust of this life, I can choose to give grace, too. I will choose to live in the freedom that Grace died to give me and I will strive to be all that He already knows I can be!
Today is a fresh start because of Grace! And we can be made new.. because of Grace!

What Am I Thirsty For??

If ever you begin to lose your sense of wonder just take a little boy to the ocean and experience it through his eyes. (Or anywhere outdoors, really... this is just what applies to our current living situation.) The water is magnificent and exciting; salty and surprising and every shade of turquoise imaginable. Fish dart below the surface, just out of reach, racing to and fro in their castles made of coral. Crabs skitter along the rocks, daring us to catch them.
And when we are out deep, just us and our paddle boards, we can be anything; explorers seeking a new land, oceanographers charting the high seas, pirates in search of treasure. We had a whole pod of dolphins surface around us this last week and it was incredible. Owen knows about them from the picture books, but this was his first time seeing the real deal and they gave him quite a show.

What I find fascinating is how the little man could be in/at the water all day everyday and it doesn't lose its thrill! We literally have to drag him away from it. And he wakes up in the morning requesting 'Simming!' 'Jump in?' 'Padda boadin?!' What an experience this is for him, for us! We are definitely taking advantage of our proximity to the sea and I hope that, like Owen, I won't let myself begin to take it for granted. Unfortunately, I think it's human nature. I spent 20 years of my life nestled in the base of a majestic mountain range and I had no idea how awesome it was! Wherever we go we grow accustomed to our surroundings and eventually the magic fades.
But my son doesn't know this yet and I'm so thankful. The ocean has as much to offer him today as it did yesterday. What if I could see life like that? What if I woke up ready to jump in and swim? What if the wonder didn't have to fade? I'll be completely honest with you; I'm almost always thirsty for adventure, for a new experience, for something more.

I have a sweet friend that is keeping me accountable to get up in the mornings and start my day with Psalms and praying. It is so good for me. Last week she had a new idea, one that was simple and yet loaded with potential. The two of us have been saying a simple prayer every time we drink water. 'Jesus, work in my heart. Work deeply within me.' That's it. But when those words come out of your mouth twenty, thirty, fifty times a day (depending on how camel-like I'm feeling)... that's big.
And now I can't get away from this idea of thirsting for Jesus, it's everywhere I look. One of my devotions last week was on the Samaritan woman at the well and did you know she kept dipping her bucket in water that couldn't satisfy? Life had lost its wonder. But Jesus comes along and said she should have asked HIM for water and He would have given her living water! [John 4:10]

Maybe that's the point. This world will always leave us thirsty. And life's beauties, no matter how grandiose, will inevitably lose a bit of their wonder. Maybe it's not about discovering a secret way to keep everything magical, maybe it's not even bad that I long for so much more... maybe it's simply that I'm thirsting for the wrong water.
I keep dipping my bucket in all these different wells when Jesus has abundantly more to offer. In John 4:13 He told that sweet, thirsty woman, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life." Woah. That is the liquid I need. As the 'SheReadsTruth' devotional put it, "Only Jesus can quench our soul-deep thirst'. And while I love my son's sense of wonder I know that, unfortunately, he will not always be so easily awed or entertained. And that's okay, because we will point him to the only Source that can satisfy.

The journey continued as I opened my Bible the next morning to Psalm 42 and the first two verses were pointed directly at me. 'As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?' Is that what kind of thirsty I am? Do I really truly believe that He is my lifeline. Do I know, in the same way animals know their absolute dependence on water, that it is vital I fill up on Jesus every single day or I won't survive? Staying really hydrated today does not let me off the hook for tomorrow!
And I don't have it all figured out, obviously. I may be a pipe-dream-chaser for all my days. But as I journey through these days I know I need to be filling myself with water that quenches, water that wells up into eternal life. Because there will be times when life loses it's thrill; we will pass through especially dry seasons and the only One that never loses His wonder is Jesus. May He be the water we thirst for. May we dive ever deeper into the abundance He offers..

Life Update && A Train Wreck of Emotions

Time spirals by so quickly. After spending two weeks short of a YEAR in a beautiful house up in the clouds, that home is selling and we have completed yet another move. We are now right on the water and adjusting to a bit more heat, humidity and bugs. But, oh, is it beautiful. And being able to paddle board or swim before breakfast is a dream come true.
Owen is growing at the speed of light and talking in three to four word sentences. His sense of humor is fantastic and he's started quoting movie lines out of the blue. Seriously funny stuff. The latest bit of hilarity came after watching the Jungle Book; I heard him saying in sing-song voice, 'Truss iiin meee' the song that the snake, Kaa, sings in attempts to hypnotize Mowgli. I laughed until I cried, (but maybe you had to be there...?) Anyway, it's safe to say that we love our days with this little man and there is never a dull moment.
We're working hard on teaching Owen swimming skills. With the ocean in our front yard, it's nothing to mess around about. But he is a quick study and has always loved water. He goes out paddle boarding with us now and loves to dangle his hands in the water and name all the ocean creatures he knows. He also 'swims' back and forth between us as Derek and I tread water, and he's pretty sure that's the best thing ever!

(Owen is loving the new front yard.) 

Derek is working hard and continually growing his business. I'm very proud to be married to such an inventive man. In his free time he's taken up wood working and is creating gorgeous benches, chairs and tables out of the different tree stumps he cuts down. I'm not sure that there's anything (other than diaper changing or laundry folding) that this man can't master. It is a privilege to walk through life next to him.
I am still working three days a week as our church secretary and taking Owen with me, which is quite the learning experience for both of us. I also oversee a vacation rental property (one of the last houses we lived in) and keep things running as smoothly as possible on that front. I'm in search of 'balance' because as much as I love being out and about, accomplishing a bit more and bringing home a paycheck, I do miss the stay-at-home mom days. Ahh, the seasons of life! Anyone else guilty of wanting whatever it is they don't have right at that moment??

Life is such a journey. We take it one day at a time because that is all we truly have. My heart is growing a bit weary of care-taking life, silly as that may be, and so I've been dealing with mixed emotions as we transition yet again. It's hard to live an unknown (although that's really what all of life is). We might be here a few months... maybe more, maybe less. And I need to be okay with that.
We have a gorgeous house to live in for now and yet I long for a place of our own. I'm abundantly grateful for all the work opportunities I have right now and yet I'm exhausted and have stretched myself too thin. We are living a life that 98% of the world only dreams of experiencing and yet the missing of family (and ghastly price of airline tickets) is real and hard and a lump in my throat that I'm tired of swallowing around. See what I mean? SERIOUS mixed emotions, all over the place. This past Sunday's message spoke directly to this sore spot inside of me; the one all tangled up with messy feelings.
Our pastor shared about the emotions of Jesus and showed examples throughout the gospels. He spoke of emotions not actually being a 'bad' thing but rather a mis-used tool. They do, like everything else in our lives, need to be surrendered to God and I think that's where I've been messing up. I say 'Here's my heart, God. Here's my days. Here's my hopes and fears. Take my life.' But then I go through life with this train-wreck of emotions on my plate and they're MY emotions and I need to deal with them and they're sucking me under while God is calling out, 'GIVE THEM TO ME, Daughter!' They don't have to run this show.

Think how our days could change if our emotions were in line with the emotions of the Creator! What if our hearts, instead of being caught up in the trivial and pety, only broke over what breaks The Father's heart? What if we were excited: genuine, jumping-up-and-down, STOKED about the things that Jesus gets excited about? What then? And something inside of me cracked open as I realized this tremendous burden I've been refusing to surrender. How did I ever think I was capable of wrestling this beast on my own, anyway? I also got excited about the potential within me, if only I can line up this mess of feelings with His will and His heart!
I woke up the next morning and my devotion was on the hymn 'Come, Thou Fount'. What a beautiful song. The line that stuck with me as I tried to do this week with a different outlook was, 'Tune my heart to sing Thy grace' That word 'tune', as a verb, is defined as 'adjusting (a musical instrument) to the correct or uniform pitch' and 'adjusting.. to the frequency of the required signal.' I'm the one that's singing the wrong tune (or not singing at all, somedays) and Jesus desperately wants my heart on the same frequency as His. Tune my heart to the signal of heaven, Jesus; to an eternity with You. It is there, and only there, that my heart will be truly satisfied and all these restless wanderings will cease.
And as I live out my days on this earth, there are 'streams of grace' found in Him, and an overflowing joy and passion for things that truly matter. May we line our emotions up with Him and let Jesus transform our outlook, filling us with the peace of God, 'which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.' (Philippians 4:7 NLT)
And I have to leave you with just a bit more of that amazing song..

Oh, to grace how great a debtor

Daily I'm constrained to be,

Let that grace now like a fetter

Bind my wandering heart to Thee:

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,

Prone to leave the God I love.

Here's my heart, oh, take and seal it,

Seal it for Thy courts above.

{Robert Robinson 1735-1790}