lessons from a turkey..

I know, it's preposterous, but before this last week I had never cooked a turkey on my own!  Thanksgiving has always been at someone else's house and I can chef up a mean sweet potato casserole, so that's that.  But on Tuesday, I took my wife skills to the next level.  We were given a turkey and I knew I needed to use it fast or it would slowly migrate to the 'back forty' of our freezer, never to be seen again.  I figured it couldn't be too difficult.. just unwrap and pop in the oven, right?!
So, there I was in the kitchen, just me and this waiting-to-be-cooked turkey.  I arrived at step two of the directions where I was instructed to 'remove throat from neck cavity'.  My first reaction was slightly horrified shock that this bird came complete with a neck?!  Second reaction: hilarious laughter!!  It bubbled up inside and came spilling out of my very own 'neck cavity', filling the kitchen.  Yep, I had the giggles.  My funny bone had officially been tickled and it felt wonderful.  I wish I could have shared this moment with someone; laughter truly is the best medicine!
After regaining my composure, for the most part, and removing the stranger parts of this bird (also, possibly flapping his wings a time or two..) I seasoned that turkey and baked it.  Derek gave my 'Thanksgiving in March' a five star rating and we've been enjoying leftovers all week.  Turns out, there was a lot more potential in that turkey than I first realized; much more than meets the eye.  But it also took more work than I had anticipated.  Did you know you have to wash and dry a turkey?  Season the entire thing, inside and out?  And remember to keep it moist while baking??  That's why I tell this story..  because there is much in my life that reminds me of this turkey.  Many things that started off in neat little packages, leading me to believe it was as simple as 'popping it in the oven', only to realize how much more was involved!  In the same way that food tastes better when it's home made, there is such great joy found in the things of life that require hard work, diligence and truly investing of ourselves.

Take, for instance, marriage.  Many people I love are getting married this summer.  This has made me reflect on my very own special day and realize just how incredibly far Derek and I have come since that perfect summer afternoon.  I loved him then, but we were just taking the turkey out of the freezer.  You can say 'mmm.. I sure love turkey!' before doing any of the work.  Now, I realize my analogy is lacking on multiple levels and I'm not comparing our relationship to turkey basting!  But Derek and I have done life next to each other- day in and day out- for almost four years, now.  We've had countless adventures and we've faced hardships and tough decisions.  We've ventured far, attempted crazy things and we've had to decide whether to use money to pay bills or buy food.  We've laughed, we've cried and we've had more water fights than I can count.
Derek and I are learning each other, over and over, deeper and deeper; every day, each moment.  We cheer the other one on, ask the hard questions, hold the throw up bowl, give of ourselves when we'd rather not.  Marriage is so much more than meets the eye.  It is the most incredible bond, the fiercest of dedication and trust.  I love being married to my best friend.  It's a journey, it's hard work, and it is a privilege.  I know in the grand scheme of things we are just barely scratching the surface.. but from where I stand, we've journeyed far and discovered depths we didn't know existed.

Another 'neat little package' we recently unwrapped: having a baby!  'It'll be fun', we said!  And it has been; over and over, a thousand times better than we could ever have imagined.  But when it comes to this baby turkey, there is a heck of a lot more than meets the eye.  There are bodily fluids in plenty, unknowns, sleepless nights and frustrations.  Our family has grown tremendously in the past year.  We've seen each other at our worst.  We've found in ourselves a strength we didn't know we had and that is empowering!  Then we came to the END of what we had to give and realized our desperate need for a Strength NOT our own.
Being parents is an enormous challenge, the most incredible blessing and one of the greatest joys we've ever known.  It is also messy and it is 24/7 and there is no instruction manual!  We are crazy about our tiny son.  He is constantly making us laugh, requiring us to give of ourselves, helping us re-prioritize.  He has changed our lives immeasurably and we are just getting started!  There are certainly things we miss (mostly, sleep) but we wouldn't trade this for anything.  We are honored to be the ones raising this little man; Derek and I truly believe that Owen is a reward from God (Psalm 127:3)  Training them up 'in the way they should go', however, is not a task for the faint of heart. (Proverbs 22:6)  This is a turkey we will invest in for the rest of our lives!  What a challenge.. to raise a warrior!  What a joy! I can only imagine all the adventures in store :)

Now, if there's a moral to any of this story, it's that the best things in life require something of us.  The turkey just tastes better after being gutted, seasoned and basted by yours truly.  The relationships that will last a life time are the ones we make time for, that we are truly devoted to.  This makes me think deep about my walk with Christ.  I'm not talking 'works', salvation is a free gift that simply needs accepting.  I'm talking about where you go from there; the day in and day out.  The nitty gritty that is true of any genuine relationship.  'For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.' Matthew 6:21  
Where is my heart?  What do I go running to when I have a split second of free time.  Instagram?  I need to invest myself in treasures that go beyond this lifetime.  I need to prioritize!  Just as I've committed to less time on my phone and more time with the loves right in front of me, I need to put less focus on the things of this world and more on the things of God.  'He must become greater; I must become less.' John 3:30
What truly matters in this life?  The relationships I'm serious about are the ones that I will stay awake all night for.  I will humble myself and say I'm sorry, I will face fears, I will go out of my way, I will trade a shower for a tickle fight, I will go to any lengths: for my husband, for my son.  What about for the One who rescued me from an eternity in Hell?  The One who died to set me free?  What will I do for time alone with Him?  What do I need to say no to in order to give Him more than three minutes before my eyes slide shut at night?  These are hard questions and I'm asking them entirely of myself.  But I want to share them with you. Luke 6:45 says that the mouth speaks what the heart is full of and today I need to roll up my sleeves and dig deep, asking myself what I want my heart to be full of.

'Meet me where I'm at' by: Owen

From the mouth of babes..

Hi friends!!  I'm two days short of eight months old and that means it's time for an update.  I know you're all wondering what I've been up to.  (Although my mom's picture posting is borderline paparazzi so I guess you've got a pretty good idea!)  Anyway, living life in this big, beautiful world is a full time job.  And, WOW, have I discovered some neat stuff..  

First things first, DIRT!  I'm obsessed with dirt.  My Mom finallllly embraced the truth that she can't always keep me clean. Now I get to dig my hands down deep in the ground.   It trickles through my fingers, colors my feet a nice shade of brown and cakes itself under my fingernails; I positively can not get enough of it.
I'm a big fan of my nightly bath, but my favorite way to get cleaned up from a solid dirt session is hose time.  Usually I do this with my Dad.  He comes home from work, we're both covered in dirt and it only makes sense to bust out this magical, water dispensing tube and play in the front yard!

Speaking of yards, mine is fantastic!!  I spend almost every waking minute outside; there is so much to see!  In the afternoons my Mom spreads a blanket in the backyard and we lay on our backs and look up at the bamboo.  She tells stories and I keep up a running commentary with my mimicking and various pterodactyl sounds.  We sing a lot of songs together, throw the stick for Kai and usually end up having a tickle fight unless she has to go fishing for leaves in my mouth. I don't know WHY she's so adamant about me not swallowing them?  But that usually puts a damper on our fun..
Oh, I had my first wound!  My Christmas present was a jumper and it took me awhile to realize its full potential but, let me tell you, that contraption is FUN!  Only problem is that I jumped a little too hard for a little too long and rubbed off a few layers of skin from my big toe!  I wasn't overly concerned about it, but I did bleed all over the patio and... you guessed it, Mom freaked.  It's good practice for her, though.. I do all these things for her own good, preparing her for the next few years, lifetime!  Plus, I am the proud owner of Despicable Me bandaids, now; totally worth it!

All this outside time has resulted in my very first farmer's tan!  Mom thinks it's cute, Dad thinks I need to go shirtless like a real man.  All I know is that I love where we live.  My parents do, too.  At night we take walks together and watch the sun set.  And last weekend, for Daddy's birthday, they went paddle boarding.. without me!  They had so much fun, though, I suppose I can forgive them for leaving me behind.  Plus, I got to stay with an auntie that I really love.  

I know, I know.. you all want to know if I'm crawling and the answer is no.  I figure, why rush?  But I can do a mean 'inchworm' and always surprise my Mom with where I end up when she's distracted at our part time office job!  Gotta keep her on her toes! 

Now, where were we?  New discoveries.  I've noticed my parents start flailing their limbs whenever people are coming or going.  Not sure where they learned this gesture they call a 'wave', but it sure is entertaining and I've started joining in on the action.  I'm also starting to figure out these signs my Mom does over and over and over.. last week I tried out the one for 'all done' (just to humor her!) and she almost had a heart attack!  (I tell you what..she's such a sucker!)  My Kai dog is still all things awesome and we can spend quality time together now that I'm not so fragile.  Up until this point I think our relationship was pretty one-sided, but now that I'm a food flinger and leave a trail of cheerios in my wake, he's really warming up to me.  

Oh, yeah, food!  At this point, I can take it or leave it.  But my Mom puts a lot of effort into cooking and blending new things for me to try so, once again, I humor her!  I do have a few favorites though; pears, sweet potatoes and yogurt- combined! That, my friends, is a breakfast of champions!  Don't get me started on peas, though.. let's just say, my Dad was right!

Hey, how's two teeth for a bit of new?  I'm looking around and noticing most people have a whole mouth full of these pearly whites, though.  This is not extremely encouraging because popping those suckers out is hard work!  First I was hot, melting point hot!  And if that wasn't bad enough, my Mom insisted on taking my temperature 300 times a day!  Then I had gastrointestinal issues that you're better off not  hearing the details on.  I lost my appetite and didn't do much sleeping... oh wait, I'm on a sleep strike and haven't actually slept through the night in three months.  (But I'll leave THOSE fun stories to my Mom..)

I've moved into a big boy carseat, although we refer to it as a 'rocket ship' in these parts.  And I had my first hair cut!  I was still growing out a few of my newborn hairs and Daddy decided a trim was in order.  Don't worry, Mom made him put the buzzer on the longest attachment.

As you can see, it's been a wild ride!!  Lots of changes and new and ups and downs and laughing and crying.  Every night I hear my Mama pray to Jesus, 'meet me where I'm at'.  She's thanking Him for doing the meeting and asking for strength to do the same, to meet me.  Most everyone loves to meet me but she means an entirely different type of 'meeting'.  It's in the backyard quiet times, the front yard happy times, the food flinging and every single first- her and Daddy are there!  But beyond that, it's in the times when I refuse to sleep, the times I'm covered in poo and the times I'm feeling especially clingy.  My parents meet me there, in the not-so-fun and the downright painful or disgusting.  Daddies and Mamas get a front row seat to all the cuteness and giggles and firsts.  They also get to do all the 'behind the scenes' work.  They don't get to clock out, these guys are in it for the long run and they don't always like it but they do always love me.  And that is the meeting she's talking about, the meeting that hurts but makes life worth living.  This meeting is what Jesus does for us, and now we do our best to follow His example.  '1 John 4:19 We love because He first loved us.'

anywhere else-->

'I wouldn't want to be anywhere else..'  Derek and I were parked at our very own drive-in theater; only infinitely better.  The car was our front porch and the movie was the setting sun!  We sat in comfortable silence, watching in awe as the the brilliant light breathed its color into the remaining moments of a rainy, black and white day.  Breath taking!
Fast forward.  Nestled in the crook of my arm, with his adorable, pudgy hand resting on my chest, Owen drifts off to sleep.  He is everything sweet, snuggly and freshly bathed lavender smells.  He is the tiniest angel I've ever seen and the privilege of knowing him, raising him, kissing him- is all mine!  And again, I whisper 'I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.'

The past few weeks (and all of life, really..) have been jam packed with these moments!  My heart fills to overflowing with a love so strong it literally hurts.  I see beauty so rich it brings tears.  Evening walks, a Saturday at the ocean, laughing with my love, giggling with our boy- these are a few of my favorite things.  An ongoing 'Farkle' competition, bonfires with friends, ticklish little man thighs, a quiet moment with my Bible; the essence of life!  Smelling flowers, juicing oranges, watching Owen's absolute delight as he learns the feeling of dirt under fingernails.  These are the pieces of a collage; my beautiful, messy, wouldn't-trade-it-for-anything collage of life.  And I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.
Nothing about this journey is easy.  But it is everything beautiful!  I made an attempt at describing to my boys this longing to 'frame these moments' and they laughed at my mushiness.  I'm serious, though!  My husband's arms around me, holding tight, after I've been the one to hold everything together all day.. I breathe in the familiarity and wish to savor that feeling forever.  I see the smile of my tiny son as I enter the room and my heart swells with a feeling only motherhood can teach you, a feeling I'd love to bottle.  Homemade pie and ice cream, water fights and watching the breaching of whales from our yard; time marches on and these moments are priceless.  I long to capture each one but all I can do is thank the Giver and choose to live fully right then and there!

People ask me what I do all day and I struggle with an answer.  How does one begin to sum up eskimo kisses and rainy day blanket forts?  I tickle toes and wipe tears (his and mine!) and watch in fascination as he discovers the potential in a cardboard box or paper towel roll!  My son and I are astronauts, we're deep sea divers, we're book worms.  He moves his hands as though directing an orchestra or perfecting his balance for surfing; I marvel at the potential in this little man!  I get frustrated.  I question my sanity.  We take long walks so that I can breathe deep.  And I love him so fiercely, it takes my breath away.
Days are made up of moments.  Life is a collage.  When you're watching a life blossom right in front of you it becomes impossible to simply answer 'How was your day?'  It's infinitely more complex than 'Pretty good!' or 'Well, not great..' !  I may not have left the house (or changed out of my pajama pants!) but I FEEL like I summited Everest as I watch my son growing and maturing at a speed I can't comprehend!  I also feel like I went three rounds in the ring with a grizzly bear!  I'm worn out and I have a kink in my back and I am humbled by the privilege it is to be able to do this.  Motherhood is a high calling and I don't want to be anywhere else!

Derek and I don't feel the need to go wild with presents on Valentine's day.  We're not against the holiday, and you won't find either one of us turning down a perfectly good box of chocolates!  But there is a lot of emphasis placed on this day, this one day a year for proving your affection, and doesn't that go against the grains of true love?  True love sticks by your side through thick and thin, it is 365 days a year; this love remains regardless of how unlovable you may be.  Don't get me wrong, Valentine's Day is very fun and a great excuse for a date night.  But real love is self-less, not something earned by the number of roses or obnoxiously huge size of teddy bear.  My man loves me steady, loves me regardless of me, loves me at my best and my worst.  Being married to your best friend is an incredible adventure and I wouldn't want to be... you guessed it, anywhere else!

There's not a lot of rhyme or reason to this post; the result of going so many weeks without blogging, I suppose!  I have been a little busy.  Busy with living, with sunrise chasing, with relationship building.  I've committed to focusing on the moment at hand, putting down the cell phone, leaving the to-do list behind and embracing the now!  My son is seven months old!  He has one tooth and is actively working on revealing number two.  He has a sense of humor, he loves sweet potatoes and he does an impressive 'inch worm'.  Even spending a few hours away from him means I'll probably miss something new.  And there's no rewind button!
Derek's business continues to grow and can I just take a minute to say how INCREDIBLY PROUD OF HIM I am?!  This man amazes me on a daily basis and it is an honor to be his wife!  His going non-stop, however, plus my part-time secretary work at our church, means that we need to make time for sitting down with each other.  Clearing the table and playing a game, sitting outside and watching the end of a day, mulling over Proverbs together; we're learning to be deliberate about taking time for us.

This life is bursting at the seams with goodness.  James 1:17 says 'Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.'  Every good and perfect gift!  It's up to us to realize these gifts for what they are, grabbing on to the moments, being present and giving our all.  May we see the treasures in an average day, smell the flowers, laugh deep and continually express our love, day in and day out, regardless of how it's received.  Let's live with a thankful heart, live with eyes open to all that God has for us right here and right now.  Let's live as though we wouldn't want to be anywhere else!  

A fit throwing masterpiece!

As I wrestle yet another plastic bag from the impressive grasp of my boy I experience one of those 'lightbulb moments'.  It dawns on me that I'm actually guilty of this same, ridiculous grabbing as much, if not more so, than my tiny son.  Although I'm quick to replace the potential for suffocating with a rattle, ball or his best friend, Tigger, Owen still finds it necessary to express his extreme displeasure.  In short, my child has learned to throw a fit!  And as silly as it seems to me..  I realize that I'm at fault, too.
I grab on all the time; be it to sleep, time or a cutesy idea of what an 'ideal' life looks like.  I stake my claim; it's MINE!  I get so attached, in fact, that I could easily be mistaken for a slobbery, seven month old.  And then it's taken away.  Of course, it's usually in my best interest and often times replaced with something better, yet I fail to see that in the moment!!  I refuse to focus on anything but the fact that the precious, grocery bag that could potentially suffocate me has been pried out of my grubby little fingers.  And I throw a fit.
These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Matthew 6:32 NLT

Owen teaches me a lot.  Or rather, God uses Owen to teach me a lot.  This fit throwing 'lightbulb' was just one of many realizations I've had in the past few days.  We're still not sleeping very much but I'm finally seeing through the fog and grasping the reality of something deeper at work in this.  I'm being taught, refined, sculpted.  And it can be incredibly painful; this chipping away at parts of me.  But it's only once the Artist is free to shave away the imperfections that a masterpiece begins to emerge.
Isaiah 64:8 'Yet you, LORD, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.' NIV

This week required much of me, including honesty and vulnerability.  I finally realized how vital it was to voice the turmoil inside me.  Sleep deprivation had taken its toll and I was starting each day ready for it to be over.  I found myself becoming frustrated about little things and the running commentary in my mind was becoming increasingly sarcastic and gripey.  Something had to give.  At last I admitted to Derek that I was burnt out.  I talked out frustrations with trusted friends and they prayed with me!  It's hard to find the right words because I absolutely love being a Mom.  But that doesn't change the fact that this is one of the hardest roles I've ever stepped into.  Owen is one of my greatest responsibilities.  He is one of my greatest treasures but that doesn't mean he doesn't present some great difficulties! Training up a warrior is not a task for the faint of heart.  And attempting it on only three hours of sleep is next to impossible.

My devotional consistently reminds me 'Do not be ashamed of your exhaustion.  Instead, see it as an opportunity for Me to take charge of your life.  Remember that I can fit everything into a pattern for good, including the things you wish were different...'  And as the sleepless nights continue, the more I find myself pressing into Jesus.  In my desperation I realize my need for a strength greater than my own, a love deeper than what I have to offer and a grace that covers infinitely more than I can comprehend.  At this point I'm running to Jesus not because it's what I know I'm supposed to be doing but because He is the only One that can keep me afloat.   
2 Corinthians 1 eludes to a near death experience for Paul and although our sleeping issues certainly don't qualify as 'deadly peril', the words in verses eight and nine certainly resonate. 'We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia.  We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself.  Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death.  But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.  He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again.  On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us.'

Like I said, God's using Owen to teach me a lot.  Our life is full right now and we are grateful; but it can be overwhelming.  We definitely relate to this feeling of 'great pressure' and there have been moments where we question our ability to endure.  I have no idea why Owen's not sleeping, we've tried every trick and tactic!  But at the same time, I know EXACTLY why this happening.  'That we might not rely on ourselves, but on God, who raises the dead.'  
Jesus has reached right in and pried from these fingers things like 'MY' right to a good night's sleep, 'MY' pride and 'MY' ability to have it all together.  He's chiseling away imperfections.  I feel incredibly exposed!  But as I high tail it for the security of my Papa, I begin to see the purpose in all of this!  Not that I need to know why God does anything.  I know that His purposes and plans are so much greater that I can imagine, extending farther than my tiny brain can fathom.  But in this season I do believe He's allowing me a small glimpse of His work.  He's taking from me things I was incredibly attached to and is replacing them with something infinitely better, the opportunity to rely fully on Him.

 Unfortunately, I don't think I've learned the lesson in it's entirety.  Brew another pot of coffee, folks, because I still do my fair share of fit throwing.  But He is faithful.  And just as God continues to deliver me (often times, from my self!) I will continue to meet Owen in the middle of the night.. for as long as it takes.  I thank Jesus for this time and, just like Paul, I will set my hope on the One 'that will continue to deliver us.'  I embrace these times of sculpting, knowing that the Artist sees in little-old-fit-throwing me, the potential for a masterpiece!

ramblings of a rebel..

Rocking my baby to sleep just now has me feeling like quite the rebel!  A mushy, contented, head-over-heels rebel.  I did it last night, too.  And the night before!  I've gone completely off book, thrown 'the book' right out the window, in fact!  Those tried and true methods are absolute genius on paper but the real-life version is simply not cutting it for my family this week.
Sweet, tiny son of ours has reverted to newborn sleep patterns.  The combination of a new house, his first bad cold and the excitement of visiting family was more than his little system could process.  I don't blame him.  But my 10-12 hour a night baby is now up every 2-3 hours.  He's also decided that falling asleep on his own for naps is completely over rated!  Needless to say, we are exhausted and maxing out the coffee quota on a daily basis.
I told myself things would calm down, normalcy would resume and the little man would magically pick up where he left off.  I might have to let him fuss for awhile, I told myself, but he'll remember how he used to go to sleep on his own.  Hahaha..ha.  Wrong.  'The book' assured me I was on the right path.  But they didn't mention anything about Mom having to cry it out, too.  There was no disclaimer about the babies that don't just 'settle down after a few minutes', the ones that can easily utilize that amazing pair of lungs for an hour+ without the slightest hint of 'settling'.

I want to pause here to say that I have the sweetest baby on the planet.  I adore him.  Life with Owen is an incredible adventure on a daily basis and I wouldn't trade this Mommy 'job' for any other role.  He is the happiest baby I've ever met and fills our life with an abundance of JOY!  But to indicate that there's no difficulties, to say I don't shed my fair share of tears or to pretend that I've got 'it', whatever that may be, together is not at all accurate.  And I think you readers come here to find the raw and the real.  The hard and the honest.  You want to laugh and cry with me, to sigh in relief upon realizing you're not the only one still wishing for an instruction booklet.
So, where was I.  Oh, yes..I was pulling my hair out in exasperation after three days of 're-training' and feeling like a horrible mother.  That's when it happened.  I picked Owen up and, in my desperation, started waltzing around his room to a sniffly rendition of 'You Are My Sunshine'.  And he fell asleep.  Like in 20 seconds.. he fell asleep!  Nestled softly against my shoulder, his breathing a perfect, calming wisp on my neck, my baby boy was fast asleep.  And that was my undoing.  He was so peaceful, snuggled there in my arms and it dawned on me that this was a relatively new experience.  I've been so determined to have a 'good' sleeper that I rarely allowed myself the privilege of holding him into dreamland.  I began to feel slightly cheated because this feeling is beyond wonderful.  And did I mention.. he was SLEEPING?!

I tell myself I will allow this until we return to our normal schedule.  Once we're back on track with the sleeping, eating, playing routine then we can tackle exactly 'how' he falls asleep.  But we all know the truth.. I'm ruined.  And, because I may never see the error of my ways, here's some justification..  When studying a room full of people I find that it's nearly impossible to pin point those that were rocked to sleep and those that weren't.  'Oh, wow, she was definitely rocked...poor thing' :)  But in all seriousness, I don't think I'm setting my child up for failure and if it makes for more pleasant days and Derek can come home to someone other than Cruella Deville- yeah, I'm game!
At this point I should also interject just how incredible Derek handles the Cruella that does occasionally emerge.  He lets me ramble, he brings home dark chocolate with raspberries and, thankfully, he never leaves ME to 'cry it out'.  Even after a long day of tree chipping, his shoulder is always available for my sniffling privileges.  Although, most of the time, he manages to tickle my funny bone and the crying can be avoided all together.  What would I do without this best friend of mine?!

So, in the midst of my sleep-deprived, emotional, roller coaster ride Jesus threw something else into the mix.  A little something I like to call Psalm 23:1.  Now, this passage of scripture is tried and true.  Most people, whether they realize it or not, even have this one filed away in their memory.  But I read it afresh a few weeks ago and got snagged on verse one.  My New International Version phrases it a little different than I'm used to, 'The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.'  See why I put the brakes on right away.. 'I lack nothing'.  I re-read it, my voice interjecting a question mark where there's actually just a period.  I lack nothing??  I beg to differ.  

What about sleep, which is so obviously lacking in my life as of late?  What about inspiration or motivation?  I lack grace when the monitor lights up at 3am.  I lack TIME.. time for all my to-do lists, time to shower or work out, time to pee without holding a baby in one arm!  Time for Derek, time to sit down and eat an entire meal while it's still hot.  But I know that I'm reading Truth and Truth is saying 'The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.'  So, what am I missing?  

I pray 'Help me wrap my mind around this, Jesus!' and then let my Bible fall open and discover part of the answer:  Romans 15:13  'May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.'   I am empty and lacking in many departments.  But God wants to FILL me.  Where can I possibly find more motivation and inspiration than in the Creator of the universe?  I'm weary and lacking strength, but true renewal and rejuvenation is found in the Source of life, my Sustainer!

There are qualifying statements in these verses, though!  It says that 'as you trust in him' you will be filled and in Psalm 23 it's because 'The LORD is my Shepherd' that 'I lack nothing'.  I must be surrendered, I have to let Him lead!  When I am simply the sheep; when I'm trusting, allowing the Holy Spirit to do His work, THEN I can be filled.  THEN I truly lack nothing.  And beyond that, it says 'you may overflow'!  In my own time and by my own strength, I'll never get it all done.  But in Him I can not only survive, but truly cherish and embrace each moment, rebellious rocking and all!  I can overflow grace and love to my men, meeting them where they're at because Jesus has met me!  In my weakness He is strong.  When I am in Him and He is in me I can truly say with confidence 'The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing!'  

little man thoughts..

Six months going on three years old; I suppose it's about time for an update from the little [BIG] man, himself!  

The past two months have been non-stop adventure.  (Which explains the lack of updates from my Mama.. she promises to get her act together soon!)  We moved into a new house and now I can play in my very own yard each day.  Mom has a few misgivings about me eating the grass, but I can't help myself!

                                      

Speaking of yummy, my palate is rapidly expanding!  Favorites so far include avocado, butternut squash and pears.  Of course, by 'favorite' I really mean 'perfect for smearing, flinging and finger painting in general'.  Starting solids is more about the parents than the baby, I've decided.  You should see my mom poring over her baby food cook book and blending various vegetables and fruits in her blender.  Dad's into it, too!  Although, I must admit, his version of the airplane spoon is incredibly convincing.. 

Mom says it's bittersweet watching her baby grow up this fast; I guess I'll take her word for it.  All I know is that 'tummy time' is seriously overrated and I prefer to be upright and in motion at all times.  In my defense: it's genetics.  My Dad never stops moving, either.  He's been staying so busy with landscaping and tree climbing that he barely remembers to eat lunch, unless it involves chocolate chip cookies!  He has his very own wood chipper now and I can NOT wait to help him run that monster. He is seriously cool!
                                       
With Dad staying so busy, Mom and I decided we needed a vehicle of our own.  You know, for field trips and picking up coffee from the roaster and other VIT's (very important tasks).  We are now the proud owners of a Jeep Liberty and can generally be found running errands with the windows down and the music on!  I'm discovering the vast difference between boys and girls as I go on dates with my parents.  When Dad's in charge.. we go to Lowe's.  When it's Mom and I, we go wherever they're still selling eggnog lattes!

Anyway, back to the non-stop adventure.  My first ever Christmas was a smashing success!  Twinkly lights and breakable tree ornaments may just be one of man's finest creations.  Fun fact: Christmas is not about the presents you get, it's about how those presents are wrapped!  Seriously, though.. Jesus came to earth as a baby and that's really the reason for any and all celebrations!  Our favorite gift this year was a bit belated.. nine family members came all the way from Colorado to meet me, and I suppose they wanted to check out Hawaii, as well... oh, and see my parents!

 I caught my very first cold the day before they arrived, though.  Not cool.  One minute I could breath out my nose and the next thing I know, I can't!  My Mom says we're 'cup half full' kinda people, though.  So, with that point of view: I did really like the steam treatments in the middle of the night!  And I'm extremely thankful to be healthy once more.  

 If there's one thing that freaks a parent out it's unidentified bumps on a baby's body.  One, two, even three can be explained away, but eight is cause for concern.  Turns out, I'm allergic to ants- just like my Dad- and it took a bonus trip to the pediatrician to arrive at this conclusion.  The bites are finally healing up but my Mom has had to convince more than one overly zealous observer that I really did not have chicken pox.

                                       

In spite of all these not-so-fun developments we did have a fantastic time with our visitors.  We trekked to the southernmost point of the US where they went cliff diving and cave exploring.  I stayed safe and dry on land with my Nana.. for now.  Mom decided she needed to be the first one off that cliff..  which doesn't leave her much room for freaking out when I start spreading my own wings.  Green Sands beach (and the four wheel drive adventure to get there!) was such a fun time that I took a nap in the one strip of shady sand the beach had to offer!  These grown ups ate an abundance of happy hour sushi (that's not on my list of approved foods quite yet..) and made up for lost time with their card playing in the evenings.  I loved play time with my cousin, hide and seek with my Papa and I tolerated most of the kisses from all the aunties.

Now we're back to 'normal' and Mom keeps reminding me of this thing we used to have, she calls it a 'schedule'?  I'm not sure; she may be making this up!  Whatever it was, we seem to have misplaced it.  In the mean time, I'm reverting to newborn sleep patterns.  I'll admit, it is slightly exhausting but I can't always be the perfect baby or she'll get spoiled!  Just part of the job.  I think I'll ease up on her soon, we'll see :)  A word of advise to my fellow babies:  when your parents are sleep deprived and re-considering giving you any brothers or sisters.. just sweetly wrap your arms around your Mama's neck or quietly whisper 'Da-da-da-da' against your Daddy's chest and all is forgiven.  Seriously.. even at 3am, it works!

Mom always laughed about silly warning labels; 'do not let baby play with plastic bags' seemed completely preposterous.. 'who would do that?!', she scoffed.  Then she had a baby.  A baby obsessed with anything that crinkles.  Now she understands!  Thankfully, my Grandma is a genius; she sewed the crinkly stuff right in between two pieces of material and now I can safely crinkle to my heart's content..  naturally, I still prefer the grocery bags because they're off limits.. but I can compromise.
                                    
Kai is still my best friend and now that I'm eating real food he's starting to take a slight interest in me, too!  I weigh 18 pounds but my parents still underestimate me.  For example, on the ride home from town the other day they put a new plant in the back seat with me.  Their first mistake was not realizing the full potential of my wing span!  Second mistake: assuming that a quiet baby is a sleeping baby.  That used to be the case when I was a little guy but now it's more likely that I'm up to no good.  Imagine their surprise when we arrived at our destination and they found their new plant nicely de-leafed!  Just learning the family trade back here, guys!  They wouldn't have been any wiser either, had I remembered to wipe the the evidence off my face..

Mom and I just finished reading through my Bible and now we're starting over!  This book has the coolest stories ever and I wish everyone would read them!  If me and my 13 second attention span can do it, anyone can!  And that's all I've got for now; me and my little man thoughts!

the not-so-glittery

I should have known.
It's almost a guarantee; when signing up to lead a Bible study you must first learn that topic afresh in your own life.  I thought I could avoid it this time around.  I chose love.  Because I 'know' love.  Or so I thought.  I should have known.
I can count on one hand a few fingers, the hours of sleep I've been getting each night.  If I could hook myself to a coffee IV it would save significant time.. that's how many cups I've been consuming per day.  My sweet baby is fighting a nasty cold; his first, and it's taking a toll on us all.  He is a trooper.  But I'd be lying to say it's not been hard.  Hard hearing that raspy cough.  Hard pinning him down and sucking those boogers.  Hard juggling the craziness of life with the joy of visiting family members.
And every time I get a few minutes with my Bible I'm pondering that upcoming lesson and I'm reading love.  God is love.  I am called to be love.  Overflow love.  Love is kind.  Love always hopes.
So far we've thoroughly enjoyed all of Owen's 'firsts', but this week we experience other firsts as he struggles to nurse because he can't breath out of his nose.  First time sitting in the bathroom with steam spilling out of the shower, desperately praying for airways to clear.  He throws up all the mucus that he doesn't know to spit out and I realize how many times my Mom held me in my sickness.
I feel something inside and it hurts; I would take this yuck a hundred times over for Owen, but I can't.  He looks at me with eyes that say he doesn't understand and I think my heart might actually explode.  It's then that I realize this is a side of love.  Maybe a bigger side than I've ever realized.  The yucky side.  The sleep deprived and gross; keeping on and giving out of a tank that feels empty.  Love never fails. 

Maybe I'll look back on this and realize my assessment was rather extreme.  But in the moment, it's the scariest we've faced with the little man.  Give me a parachute and I'll jump out of a plane.  Give me a plate of unidentifiable and I'll eat it.  Give me a field full of weeds, even, I'll whack them!  But my sick baby is a different story.  I feel inadequate!  I feel scared.  I am wrung out.  But love never gives up.
There's never a great time to be sick, but the long awaited week that we have family visiting would definitely have been my last choice.  Too bad I'm not in charge of those things.  But love perseveres.
I never realized that my parent's executive decisions to head home early or forego an outing all together was actually in my best interest!  'Cruel parents', I'd grumble, not understanding that their actions were for ME; that they actually wanted to go even more than I did!  Now I get it.  I've bailed on card games, dinner prep, grocery shopping, sushi eating, picture taking and surf lessons.  Not because I wanted to but because priorities have shifted.  I sit in the quiet, rocking my unusually snuggly baby to sleep and that is priceless.  I whisper my love to him, tracing his sweet hand as he drifts off to sleep, and I wouldn't trade that for anything.  But that doesn't mean it's not hard.  Love is not self-seeking.  Part of my heart lives outside my body now and that adds another dimension to life.  No, it's not all about Owen, but it's certainly not about me anymore.

Derek goes to work, he presses on, day in and day out.  He caught the sickness but that doesn't slow him down.  He provides, he comes home and entertains, he takes a turn with Owen and he's the one bringing ME fresh squeezed orange juice in the morning.  I don't deserve him.  Thankfully it's not about what any of us actually 'deserve'.  My husband sees me at my worst and loves me still. Thankfully, love is patient.
Love is the most excellent way; the essence of life.  And love is hard; forged in the messy, love keeps no record of wrongs (or the number of times we were up in the night).  And without love I am nothing.  This is not a plea for pity nor a boast of the amount sacrificed in the past few days.  It's just a raw, honest and not-so-glittery look at love.  And I'm not saying this happened because I signed up to lead a Bible study.  But I am saying that when I think I've got things figured out, I'm just simply beginning.
I have a lot to learn about love.
I should have known!
So here's the moral of the story..  I can't do it.  I'm not very patient, not at 3am anyway.  And I can be a little self-seeking, especially after going five days without even time for a shower!  I want to give up and I do get frustrated and I might keep the occasional 'record of wrong'.  I'm called to love and I can't.  Not on my own.  But Jesus can.  He loves me and He can love through me, in me.
His love fills, strengthens and keeps pushing me forward.  The only way I love is because He first loved me.  It was messy and hard when He came as a baby, when He hung on the cross.  There is nothing glittery about that kind of love.  He asked His Abba to 'take the cup' and if I think my heart hurts I can only imagine what God felt as His Son cried out.  But they went through with it.. for me.  Because love never fails.  Jesus always perseveres.
I still have a lot to learn about love; my Bible study lesson is still a month and a half away!  But I'm realizing that it looks incredibly different than what the world knows as 'love'.  It's messy and hard.  It's choosing what's best, not what's necessarily the most fun.  It's sacrifice and giving when you're wrung out and the ONLY way any of it is possible is because of Jesus who did it first, did it perfectly.  I can walk in His footsteps, less of me and more of Him as I reflect the Light and learn to love.

1 Corinthians 13, 1 John 4