Throwing Out Score Cards

'Love...keeps no record of wrongs.' I read that this morning, along with the rest of 1 Corinthians 13, over hash browns and fried eggs with my boys. It caught me off guard, though. It keeps no record of wrongs. Really, not a single record? And all these pieces came clashing together as I finally found words for these unclassified emotions I've been battling.

See, I do keep record. It is, for the most part, unintentional; a simple tallying throughout my days. I believe it's human nature. We feel that we are entitled to certain 'rights' and when those happen to be forgotten, violated or taken for granted, we take offence; filing away that discrepancy for future reference. For us parents it can be as simple as the number of times we got up with the baby during the night. Obviously, it was more than our significant other, which should guarantee our receiving that last cup of coffee. Or maybe it's the number of 'blow outs' changed on our watch.. I always win that round.
But Paul says that love keeps no record. Not a single tally mark?
What about the amount of time spent on various interests, passions and hobbies? I know how often my husband goes surfing when the swell is up and I know exactly how many times I've been able to go snorkelling in the past YEAR. The numbers do not add up. This could swing the other way, however. There is definitely one person in this family that works day in and day out to bring home the bacon while another member spends the majority of her days playing with finger paint, singing silly songs and 'hunting' for chickens with the mini-man. That certainly doesn't add up, but my husband doesn't complain and I am humbled at this realization. Love is never fair.
That is the beauty of relationship and marriage, of nitty-gritty love. It's not fair and the numbers are off and we're all undeserving in countless areas but somehow love can override all of that. There can not be a score card for love. True Love laid down His life for us when we were at our worst. That's what is so breath taking about it all! 'But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.' Romans 5:8 There is nothing 50/50 about the grace that is freely offered or the sacrifice that was made in our place. That is love. That is freedom.
And to a back-slidden, rebellious people that have forgotten the One True God, a prophet gives THIS Valentine... 'Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.' Micah 7:18-19
If anyone has the right to keep record of wrongs, it's God. Yet He is the one hurling our mistakes into the depths of the sea. What a love. He has no score card. Jesus keeps no record of wrongs. And that makes me want to shout from the roof tops, THANK YOU JESUS!! 'For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.' John 3:16-17
And to the amazing husband who loves me even when I'm unlovable, Happy Valentine's Day! I don't deserve you, but I guess that's the whole point! We are called to imitate True Love and give without expecting anything in return; I see you live this out on a daily basis and I thank you from the bottom of my heart! I am officially crumpling up these mental score cards and tally sheets and I pray that you readers will, too! May we commit to living life with deliberate, selfless love, regardless of who's 'turn' it is or whether we've had a single moment of free time today. This is the way of love, this is how we are called to live and this is the way that Love will set us free. 
                                        

Pure sunshine & a sweet, sticky mess!

Confession: sometimes I feel bipolar. Yikes, I just admitted that. But after describing these feelings to Derek not only did he refrain from checking me into a mental institution, but he said 'Ya know, this sounds like a blog post.' So, maybe I should back up a little..

We were sitting outside in the morning breeze, watching Owen and Kai chase each other through the grass. Our little boy is part mischief, part adventurer and pure sunshine. He has redefined so much of our lives and we can't imagine a day without this silly, wiggly, little explorer. But as Derek and I basked in the moment I was reminded of the mess that transpired just an hour before: the box of cereal taken out of the cupboard when my back was turned and the frustration felt upon discovering the entire contents dumped out on to the living room floor.  

This cereal episode was not a big deal, in and of itself, but messes of this proportion seem to be the new norm. Yesterday it was a half gallon of juice, sticky and sweet and puddling all over the floor at my part-time office job.  The day before that it was poop... on his feet, on my leg, almost on my new pair of shorts! You get the point. It literally takes our son less than three, unsupervised seconds to create a disaster of epic proportions. And, granted, that's just par for the course with a tiny human, especially of the male variety. And sometimes we struggle to contain our laughter at the situation. But other times it is anything but funny. In fact, sometimes it's so NOT hilarious that I grit my teeth a little. (Yikes, again..)

But did I mention the JOY that this boy brings to our lives? He waves hello to every single clerk in the bank and gives goodnight kisses that melt your heart. He's learning to be gentle with the cat and his antics have us laughing until we cry. He scrambles up any object he can find (box, tupperware, coffee table) and as he practices balancing, he announces to all that he is 'suufinn' (surfing)! He is exceptionally smart; has a hunger for learning, discovering, running faster and climbing higher. He inspires his Daddy and I to be intentional about living, loving and appreciating the beauty surrounding us. 

The little man has his moments, though, and an attitude, to boot. He's testing us, seeing how far he can push and learning what we'll actually follow through with. It's a battle of wills and although I won't let HIM know it, there are plenty of post-battle occasions where I take refuge around the corner, hang my head for a moment and wonder how it's possible for someone so tiny to be that much more stubborn than me. 

See where these bipolar feelings come from? Or maybe I should redefine the emotions because I am, in no way, making little of mental issues that are very real for many people. I am, however, baffled by the extreme differences in my thoughts and feelings regarding life with a mini man. How is it possible to vary, within a matter of minutes, from knowing I have the best 'job' in the world and wanting to savor each moment- to fighting back tears of frustration and longing for 8pm to roll around??

This morning I was supposed to use nap time to wash windows and scrub toilets but, thankfully, got caught up in the book of Ephesians. In chapter four, Paul is reminding the church that they 'were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.' (verses 22-24)
This truth is so beautiful and mind-boggling and VITAL to our daily survival. It is literally the choice between life and death, allowing our flesh to call the shots or walking in the righteousness offered to each of us through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. As Owen's mom I have the very unique opportunity to teach this truth by example, this shedding of an 'old self' and putting on of NEW. This is a daily 'dressing', choosing what I will 'put off' and 'put on', and (Yep... insert another YIKES!) my tiny son is watching and learning, whether I have my act together or not.
So, yeah... that new self sounds really nice, but the heaviness of this situation still seems totally overwhelming. The struggle is real and it's constant and the old self is hovering close to the surface as a giant fit gets thrown in the middle of the grocery store. And how am I supposed to be holy in these yucky, overwhelming situations?? How do I go about showing Owen this 'new attitude of mind' when I am bogged down, lonely and exasperated?
Thankfully, Paul goes on in chapter four with some simple instructions. 'In your anger do not sin.' 'Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry' and 'Do not give the devil a foothold.' (verses 26-27) Huge sigh of relief right here. He doesn't say that it's a sin to get frustrated with your toddler (or sweet husband or person driving incredibly slow down the highway...) Instead, he tells us how to deal with the anger and frustrations that are, apparently, inevitable: don't let them lead you into sin, don't let them fester over night and do not let the devil use them to lead you in the wrong direction.
Cereal will be spilled, feelings will be hurt and that 'old self' will beg to take over the reigns. But it's at this point that, instead of being discouraged, we can take heart! Frustration is not grounds for a psych evaluation but an opportunity to overcome. In fact, you haven't even blown it yet, simply because you feel angry. The question is what you will do next. Will we let harsh words fly, will we wound with our silence, will we use our car horn with vengeance? Or will we lean hard into Jesus and PUT ON the new self that He paid for with His life? May we be 'made new' as we take it one day at a time, dressing daily with His righteousness and holiness. May we embrace the journey of becoming more and more of who God created us to be right in the middle of these sweet, sticky messes!

Admitting I Have A Problem

Hi, my name is Bethel and I hear that the first step is admitting to having a problem.
See, I gave myself a social media 'time out' this month and it was.. enlightening. During the first three days I actually experienced withdrawals. Sounds extreme but it had genuinely become my addiction. I'd made a habit of using even just a few seconds of free time or singular moment of silence to grab my phone, open the app and quickly peruse that news feed.
Distancing myself from the 'noise', if you will, left a strange stillness in my days. After surviving the first few days of feeling hopelessly cut off from society, I began to sense a newfound freedom. I could truly be here, all here, without any pressure to describe the moment with a catchy status or posted photo.

Putting the world on mute in this way enabled my ears to discern new sounds; how Owen's laugh is changing as he grows, the intensity of crashing waves, and the sweet, comfortable quiet at the end of a day as I curl up on the couch by my best friend. Believe it or not, there is a vast difference between 'sitting together' and 'sitting together but actually being a world apart as we stare at our various mobile devices'.
Now, I'm not hating on Facebook here. Trust me, I'm excited for my 'sabbatical' to be finished; there are LOTS of baby pictures I've been missing out on and several friends that I can only stay in touch with via the internet. I'm not even saying it's a horrible sin to check your phone while in the presence of other human beings. I'm simply sharing my own experience and the realization that it can (and most likely WILL) get out of hand. Everything in moderation, right?
Maybe I'm the only one here with a Facebook issue. And maybe this isn't about smart phones or technology at all. But it is a matter of priorities. Where is my heart? We can say the right things, but where we spend our free time speaks louder than those 'right' words ever will. Whatever form our addiction comes in, it will take over our brains and relationships and the ability to simply bask in a still, quiet moment without feeling the desperate need to somehow fill it.
Tuning in to the chaos and chatter of the world can rob you of THIS moment. It isn't until we turn down the volume of outside sources that we begin to perceive the still, small voice of the only One who can give us abundant life! 'The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.' John 10:10
Here's my thought: Satan desires every square inch of our day to be filled so that we don't have time to listen for Hope and seek out Truth. The 'thief' will use whatever he can, good and bad, to keep us distracted from real life. If we are constantly entertained and stimulated and connecting and browsing.. it's easy to forget what Psalm 46:10 says: "Be still, and know that I am God." 
Seriously. It happened to me in the most 'innocent' of ways.
We each have to decide how to live this one life we're given. I'm not advocating cave man days, here. I appreciate new inventions and indoor plumbing as much as the next guy! I enjoy staying in touch with friends that live overseas and I actually believe social media can be used to glorify God. I am, however, praying that we ALL make time to sit in silence for a few moments today because there is no telling what we may actually hear! Don't strive to fill every void, either. Leave room for imagination, uninterrupted glasses of sweet tea and the stillness where we truly begin to realize that He is God. 

[zip lining over a waterfall!]

[watching fish jump with these two <3]

'Mommy's here'

Sweet boy Owen, you are half way through your second year of life. My how time flies.

You're a wild man; adventurous, funny and have yet to develop an ounce of separation anxiety. When they announce that it's time for Sunday School you run all the way to the classroom without ever looking back. What a brave explorer. There are times for holding Mommy's hand, though... (Mommy's and no one else's!) and, yep, those moments sure melt my heart. Thank you for each sweet kiss and for being so quick to say 'luh you' :) I love you too, sweetheart! 

My little chatter box; I get so excited about your blossoming vocabulary and the fact that we understand each other more with each day. Your willingness to try any word or animal sound we conjure up provides endless entertainment! I need to take more videos. Each stage and phase and homemade word ('nanu' for light and 'gagu' for milk!) last only a short time. Right now you pronounce 'birdie' with a french accent, 'beerday', which is quite possibly the cutest thing I've ever heard!
You're built like a linebacker and the way you flat out tackle me on the kitchen floor makes a future in the NFL look promising. Your hair is long and wild and I have to comb out the dread locks on a daily basis! Mischief and curiosity are always mixed in to your expression and our adventures just keep getting better. Your speedometer is usually set to 'fast' and climbing is your preferred method of maneuvering any given object (or human being!) That makes it even sweeter when I find you sitting quietly in your room, reading a book or rocking your teddy bear. I pray that you will always be the definition of tough while keeping your heart tender and compassionate. Not all men can find that balance. I see a lot of your Daddy in you and that's my favorite.

You have a servant heart, my son. It's incredible to watch you grab a cloth and start wiping down the breakfast table or throwing your trash away without being asked. You love to help and, needless to say, that makes my day! I wonder when you'll realize that vacuuming is not exactly the epic adventure you seem to think it is? I wonder if everyday, ordinary objects can always seem as magical as you believe them to be right now.

I wonder about a lot of things, actually. How much longer will I be able to kiss these pudgy feet that are too thick for most shoes your size. Am I teaching you the right things, do we play enough games and how long will it take for that play-doh to pass through your digestive system? I wonder about your future. I wonder if we'll survive temper tantrums (yours and mine!) and I wonder what you'll remember about our days spent together. I wonder if your eyes will stay like mine and I wonder if I'll be able to remember the priceless sound of your giggle once you are grown. I wonder if I'm doing any of this 'right'. 

I never wonder about my love for you, though. Don't ever ever doubt that, son. I will love you every single day of your life! We won't always agree; the hurt feelings and time outs and teeth gritted in frustration are guaranteed. We may not always like each other but my love will never falter. As I whisper to you in the night, 'Mommy's here', so it will be for the rest of our days.. whether you like it or not, I'll be here.
xo
Mama

A cookie in the parking lot..

I was juggling my little man from hip to hip, tossing our broccoli, milk and a few Christmas gifts on to the Target conveyor belt when she got in line behind me. Two swim suit wearing girls hung on the sides begging for pizza, 'Puhhleaaaseee, Mom!' and the baby in the cart was wailing loud as snot ran down his face. She looked tired, distracted; like she hadn't slept for a full night in a very.long.time.
Owen was quick to point out the 'BABYYYY' and I felt bad that he had drawn attention to the chaos erupting behind us. It wasn't that I passed any judgement, I quickly learned that lesson at the beginning of motherhood- I have no idea what that Mama may be facing or what kind of night she just survived. But I didn't exactly go out of my way to encourage her, either.
As we loaded our purchases into the truck and Owen hung on Kai's neck (even a short separation is too long for those two..) the window of the mini-van next to us slowly rolled down. It was the same family. The little girl looked up with big eyes, 'Is that your dog?' 'What's his name?' 'Is he friendly?' To which I replied, 'Yes', 'Kai' and 'Very friendly!' She grinned from ear to ear as she held up the tupperware and asked if we'd like a cookie. They were homemade, chocolate with red and green m&m's; the fall-apart-in-your-mouth kind! And the Mom looked right at me and wished us a good day and a Merry Christmas. That's when I saw something different in her eyes. The exhaustion remained but I saw joy, too. I caught a glimpse of her heart and it was beautiful. 
We all know that 'it's not about the presents' this time of year but I forget to live that out. In all the hustle and bustle and baking and wrapping, I know I haven't been making time to give away any melt-in-your-mouth goodness to complete strangers. And maybe parts of that woman's life are messy, she probably is distracted and worn out, but she took time to roll down her window and she encouraged her babies to GIVE. They were spreading joy, learning to be a blessing, and that's the most 'Christmasy' thing I saw all day. Just a cookie in the parking lot, but it made me think twice about where my priorities were at.
Then this morning I read Ephesians 5 and Paul starts right off by saying 'Follow God's example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. So if the 'reason for the season' truly is Jesus Christ and His gift to mankind was HIMSELF, then maybe our presence matters infinitely more than the presents. Jesus 'lived a life of love' and 'gave himself up for us' and now we are called to follow that example. Could it be that the sharing of our time, our energy, our fresh baked goods with people that can not repay us is the real secret to making the holidays memorable?
Derek and I have an incredible opportunity in front of us with our tiny son and the Christmases we will spend together. Of course the world will tell him it's about Santa, red-nosed reindeers and an endless list of toys, but we can instill in him a very different idea. If we use this time of year to bless the socks off others and make it exciting and fun, he will grow up wanting to continue that tradition! If we can actually show him, by our actions, that this time of year is not, as the commercials would have us believe, all about us... that truth will take root in his heart. If we can SLOW.DOWN from our mach speed pursuit of ensuring every detail is perfect and simply sit with him and talk about that baby in the manger, he will learn the deeper meaning of what a gift truly is!

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. 

[Isaiah 9:6]

More than I could bear..

“I want to see beauty. In the ugly, in the sink, in the suffering, in the daily, in all the days before I die, the moments before I sleep.”  Ann Voskamp

I borrowed an idea from my cousin, this putting words to my thanks for the thirty days of November. I've done it for a few years and, for the most part, found it a simple and easy task leading up to Turkey Day. But this time around has been different. This month has been a hard road to walk and there were days where I did not want to look for beauty amidst the mess. I did not want to be thankful.

No one said giving thanks would be easy, but in 1 Thessalonians Paul does say to do it in all circumstances; he says it truly is God's will for us, this lifestyle of thanksgiving. And so, I kept on with the thanking. 
I wish I could say that my motives were purely spiritual, but honestly, I just can't stand to back out of a challenge once I've begun. And so, I had to be deliberate about the thanking. There were days when the goodness was not incredibly obvious. I had to make a choice to call out that which was good amidst the pain and then thank the Giver. And it did something inside me. 
It's easy to give thanks for the obvious. It's when the obvious is lacking and you have to dig a bit deeper; that's where transformation begins. I found myself searching for good in the yuck and the heart break and the lump in my throat and what I found was surprising. I found grace where I least expected it. I found that there was still reason for a grateful heart in the darkest of circumstances. Why would God tell me to give thanks no matter what unless there would always be reason to do so? 

So here's where I'm going to say something crazy. (Don't say I didn't warn you!) See, I can't find anywhere in the Bible where it actually says 'God won't give us more than we can handle'. What I DO find in 1 Corinthians 10:13 is Paul's assurance about God, that 'he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will provide a way out so that you can endure it.' I think that's where we start to miss-quote. But the thing is, there are countless scriptures referring to believers being overwhelmed and obviously faced with more than they can handle! In 2 Corinthians 1:8 we find Paul describing a situation in which they were 'under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself.'  
This would be incredibly depressing if not for what Paul says next (in verse 9), 'But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.' And I'm reminded, once again, that it's not about me and my strength but the power of the One who calls into being that which is not and yes, RAISES THE DEAD! And so I'm just going to say it and you don't have to keep reading, but I think we are faced with things we can't bear. I think God allows difficulties and sickness to touch our lives; circumstances that will be painful and difficult and heart breaking, SO THAT we can realize our need for a Strength not our own. 
And as for that misquoted verse, about the tempting? Well, yeah.. I was very tempted to wallow in my sorrow this week. We made multiple trips to the ER as my husband battled a poisonous and very infected (Brown Recluse suspected) bite. We mourned the loss of my Grandpa and I missed out on the gathering of my parents and all four brothers in one place, at one time. The Devil wanted me to give in to the overwhelming emotions I faced. And I did, several times. I'm not proud of that. But God did provide a way out, He does every time. And the vehicle for escape in this situation was THANKSGIVING. (See, it really is all connected! Bear with me here..)

Chesterton said "Hope is the power of being cheerful in circumstances that we know to be desperate." And we're not talking a 'fake', Pollyanna-kind-of-cheerful here. Ecclesiastes 3:4 says there is 'a time to weep' and 'a time to mourn' and I did those in plenty this past week. But to rely on the God who controls it all, to realize the GOOD that only He can bring out of any and every situation; that is where HOPE begins. That is the way out that He provides when we are tempted to give in to despair, to grumbling, to worry. And that's why the other part of Ecclesiastes 3:4 talks of laughing and dancing, because it's all connected. Giving thanks brings freedom. Giving thanks might not change circumstances but it sure changes hearts. And giving thanks has the power to draw our attention off of the situation and on to Jesus! 
So I'm discovering diamonds in the rough, chasing grace through the whirlwind of life. It might be scary to acknowledge that we'll face things we can not handle. But it is in the reaching and acknowledging of our own limitations that we can rely fully on the One who is truly in control. And choosing to be grateful, even on the dark days, is what thanksgiving is truly about.

'...the secret to joy is to keep seeking God where we doubt He is.' Ann Voskamp

Mud Drenched Goodness

'A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.'     Proverbs 17:22

Mud of the stickiest, gooiest and slimiest variety had taken over a rather large section of our back yard. Suddenly our house felt like a holding cell as I avoided outings that would potentially take us anywhere near...the mud.  And when we did have to traverse the dreaded section of lawn, I carried Owen up high in attempts of distracting him from the slime squishing beneath my feet.
I managed to keep this act up until a few days ago; it was an afternoon flung wide open with absolutely zero excuses to avoid the mess. I was tired of holding the squirmy, flailing, 'please-please-put-me-down' little boy. And so, I put him down!  His toes squished deep into the mess and he looked up at me with part question, part astonishment that this was, indeed, happening. Was this really allowed? And in response to that questioning gaze, I kicked off my flip flops and waded in right next to him.

Mud never hurt anyone. Sure, it's messy and stinky and manages to get in hair and on clothes and under fingernails. But it's just mud and it was time to let my boy revel in it himself. Time to enjoy the not-so-finer things of life :) And what a fabulously, disgusting frolic we had that afternoon! It was a 'little thing' that meant the world to one sweet, little man.
It mattered to Owen because I took the time to do something that served the singular purpose of fun; ridiculous, giggle-filled fun. And as we hosed off our toes..and legs.. okay, bodies! A thought came to me.. God does this for me all the time. Not specifically the mud pie making. But He consistently gives gifts which serve the singular purpose of delight and pleasure! He is constantly opening my eyes to beauty that exists simply to be beautiful and bring a smile to my lips.
            'For the Lord takes delight in his people..' Psalm 149:4

It brought me so much pleasure to laugh with Owen and watch him thoroughly enjoy our personal mud hole. How much more does Jesus take pleasure in seeing us enjoy Him, His creation, and 'little things' scattered throughout our day that are intended to fill us with joy and hope! Last Friday, as we enjoyed a crisp, clear night absolutely perfect for a bonfire and toasting marshmallows, I smiled up at the sky, knowing that the God of the universe was pleased!
We ventured out on paddle boards this Sunday and out there in the middle of the ocean we were suddenly surrounded by a huge pod of dolphins! Cherry on top of an incredible afternoon. They were spinning and diving; showing off just for us! And as we take time to delight in the moment and relish the beauty of God's creation; savoring that which exists simply to declare His glory, I know He is smiling!

'Ask the animals, and they will teach you, or the birds of the air, and they will tell you; or speak to the earth, and it will teach you, or let the fish of the sea inform you. Which of these does not know that the hand of the Lord has done this?' Job 12:7-9

It's easy to get caught up in the business. Even as a stay-at-home Mama, life can get ridiculously 'full'. Despite my best intentions, it remains terribly difficult to take 'alone time' or get out on a date with my best friend! But those times of refreshment and refueling are incredibly important! This life is meant to be enjoyed, not simply survived. And on the home front: taking time to do messy projects, initiate a dance party or lay on my belly next to Owen watching a caterpillar inch across the grass: those 'little things' are what will truly make a life FULL and rich! Afternoons drenched in mud are the memories my son will hold on to.
So, maybe we all need to be reminded of this; enjoying God and letting Him enjoy US! Let's make time for the activities we're crazy about, no matter how ridiculous it may seem. Remember [or find out!] what you are passionate about. Spend time with the people you love. Get outside today, breath in fresh air and simply enjoy the moments specifically designed to fill your cup. Smile up towards the sky and thank the One who sprinkles goodness, grace and the occasional muddy mess throughout the most hectic of days.

'The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.' Psalm 19:1