The Day I Wanted To Quit..

Incredibly sweet and magical moments are happening in plenty over here; there is a big brother falling in love with a little brother, lights are strung on a tree and mugs have been filled with thick, creamy eggnog. We are smack dab in the middle of a winter wonderland, right in time for Christmas. Cheeks are rosy and the fire is crackling. It is, indeed, glorious and, for all intents and purposes, life doesn't get much better than this!
And yet...
I'm struggling.

Having two babes is HARD. The hardest thing I've ever attempted, actually. There is no guidebook or blog post that can fully prepare a girl for the changes and adjustments of 'life after child birth'. Thanks to Owen, I was 100% more prepared for this round of sleepless nights and happenings within my own body. However, round two is actually 'life after child birth all WHILE chasing a two year old'! And while words of wisdom, extra hands and frozen casseroles certainly lessen the blow, the learning curve still feels like a bucket of cold water dumped straight on my head!
I'm a mess. A ridiculous, hormonal mess. I float high on butterflies as I witness priceless moments, watching my boys bond, surrounded by exceptional family and community. And then I crash. Hard. Because it's Monday and everyone resumes life as normal and I'm supposed to somehow make 'normal' here on my own but it seems so ridiculously impossible.
It's just me and these two tiny, precious, frustrating human beings that I am fully responsible for. How am I qualified for this?! The two year old I had figured out and we've been buddies for what seems like a lifetime. And the newborn is, for the most part, very low maintenance and chill! But combine the two and we start resembling a gigantic train wreck. They wake up at the exact same time and desperately need me and I don't know which to go to first. They both want to be held, they both need food. One is mid diaper change when the other starts yelling from the bathroom that he needs HIS buns wiped! And that 'winter wonderland' is actually a crisp 12* that we can't usually venture out in, making us all stir crazy and somedays there are just.so.many.tears. How is anyone ever 'ready' for this?!

And I don't want to be depressing. I love my boys more than life and I am so thankful and we are undoubtedly BLESSED beyond measure.. and there will be plenty of posts for all that goodness. But right now I desperately need to be really real and talk about the really hard. Because I know that I'm not the only mama gasping for air here. Or maybe you're not a mom, but you are facing a brand new challenge and questioning whether or not you have what it takes. This can not just come naturally to everyone else but me. Right!? I sleep in 1-2 hr segments throughout the night and then try to face a new day with a brave face but it all comes crumbling down at some point between cream of wheat spilled all over the kitchen floor and the fifth load of laundry needing to be folded.
There are no days off. There is no calling in sick, even when the fever rages and the head ache pounds and 'mastitis' becomes a painfully real part of my vocabulary. We post the sweet pictures not the ones of the trashed house and the dark circles under bloodshot eyes. There are smiles and the expected, 'It's all so wonderful' comments and for the most part... yeah, it really is bliss..  but then we go home and in the dark of the night there is the occasional wondering... where do Mom's go to resign?! So I'm going to be brave and say it, if no one else will. Sometimes I want to quit. Sometimes I don't want to be the Mom. I want to run away for a day and go ice skating, drink hot chocolate and simply let someone else be in charge!

It was in this slightly depressed, pity-party state of mind that I dragged myself into Owen's room for bed time. We opened up to a gem of a story in Judges 7; it turned out to be a pep talk straight from God...
Our reluctant hero, Owen's current favorite, is Gideon. He is preparing to battle the Midianites. Now, these people had the nasty habit of swooping in from the eastern lands right before crops were going to be gathered; them and their friends and their infamous camels, and these Midianites would devour and trample and cart off all of the Israelite's harvest. Gideon has finally risen to the challenge and mustered up an army of 32,000 men. But we are told that these harvest wreckers from the East 'had settled in the valley, thick as locusts. Their camels could no more be counted than the sand on the seashore.' [Judges 7:12] Safe to say this was a sizeable threat.
Imagine Gideon's surprise when 'The Lord said to Gideon, "You have too many men. I cannot deliver Midian into their hands, or Israel would boast against me, 'My own strength has saved me.' " [Judges 7:2] So, albeit reluctantly, Gideon releases anyone who wants to go, anyone 'trembling with fear'.. a whopping 22,000 men! This leaves our leader with a sweaty brow and 10,000 battle-ready men.
But God's not done. Verse four has Him telling Gideon, "There are still too many men." And in a bizarre test of 'do you lap water like a dog or sip it like a proper gentleman?' the warriors are drastically reduced to a mere 300. Three hundred men to make a stand against an army as vast as the sand on the seashore!? And it is then that God says, 'Yes! You're ready!' From a military standpoint this was an absolute impossibility. Even if Gideon had been a tactical genius, which he wasn't, this was quite literally a suicide mission.

You know where this is going, though, don't you? Because God is involved. The God who operates through the weak to accomplish His grand purposes. The God who delights in coming through when we are at our lowest; Redeemer of situations that seem hopeless. Those 300 Israelites win the battle and they conquer those saboteurs! In a strange turn of events, this victory comes without the Israelite army ever even having to raise a finger! They ring the enemy camp, break clay jars and let light stream out into darkness. Then they watch the enemy destroy themselves in absolute chaos because God went to war for Israel, for Gideon. And He did it in ways no one expected.
Please read this story. It's incredible. [Judges 7] My take on it, though, darkened state of mind and all, was that all glory went to God for this victory because Gideon had been stripped of any and every thing that gave him a shred of confidence for winning this battle. By the time God was done with His weeding out process, Gideon was bringing nothing to the table. Nothing, that is, but a willingness to trust and obey. Acknowledging our fragility and the fact that we don't actually have what it takes, is the first step towards victory.
Paul knew this well. God had said to him, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." And so Paul chose to boast about his weaknesses, 'so that the power of Christ [could] dwell in [him].' 2 Corinthians 12:9

So, I'm not bringing this message to you from the victor's circle. I still have much to learn. I am oh-so-weak and learning that it's okay to admit that. His power is being perfected in me; ongoing process. And this battle that I am in, the one where I must choose to fight for my boys, fight for my marriage, fight for joy amidst the mundane, yeah.. it's ongoing and it is for a lifetime.
The Enemy whispers in my ear that I do not have what it takes and, you know what, he's right. Me and myself.. we fall short every time. But if I simply choose to show up, I have a God who will fight for me. The days will be hard; hard that takes my breath away, hard that empties me of all I am, strips me of my armor and then sends me to the front lines. But it's in the hard that His power is made perfect! It's in the hard that He gets the glory because there is no way that I can pull this off on my own. And ultimately, I'm not the one who will do the fighting; God will go to battle for me.
And so I sing these lyrics by Matt Maher,

'Lord, I need You, oh, I need You

Every hour I need You

My one defense, my righteousness

Oh God, how I need You'

And I'm encouraged by what Ann Voskamp said, 'Ultimately, what seems like futile work that's taking an eternity today - is exactly what may make the most difference in eternity.' Because all this that seems like nothing, the endless diapers and the 'No, you can't climb your bookshelf like a monkey!!' and the rocking and chasing and loving and spanking.. it matters. My mother-in-law told me that it actually matters MOST of all. And so yes, there was a day when I wanted to quit (and more are bound to follow) but I won't! Because this role, this job, this being a mother thing... ready or not.. it shapes society and it changes lives and it effects eternity. And so I will show up. I am like those clay jars in all their fragility. Because it's only as the jars were broken that the light was able to shine out into darkness around the Midianite camp. And this journey breaks me down but I will let the light shine through all my cracks and then I will watch, in awe, as God fights on my behalf.
'But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.' 2 Corinthians 4:7

Story for the Books!

We're calling it a story for the books... your birth story, that is. It really is fitting that your entrance into our world be grand and exceptional. Fitting because your time spent in the womb was very simple and uncomplicated. In the midst of life and multiple jobs, chasing your brother and moving our family across the ocean, your womb journey wasn't always front and center in my mind. That's not to say you weren't anxiously awaited, sweet son. But carrying you within me was blessedly 'easy' and did not require much out of the ordinary.
That's why I say it's fitting that you entered our lives with flare; fitting that the tale of our wild ride be told time and time again, my boy. You will leave your mark on this world, your journey will be remarkable and you will do things in a way that is unexpected. And it all begins with this story, this one that is truly 'for the books'......

The early morning hours of November 21 found me analyzing the repeated tightening of my belly and questioning whether or not I should let Derek head to work that morning. Once I got up and started moving around, however, I quickly realized that yes, this was the real deal and no, Derek could not go to work! In spite of feeling perfectly normal in between contractions, we didn't wait around too long. Owen's Nana came over 'for a party!' and Derek and I hit the road.
We had an hour and a half to drive which seemed completely reasonable when I originally chose that hospital. With contractions coming every 2-3 minutes, though.. I was starting to re-think that game plan. In between contractions I was reading different articles to Derek on 'how to deliver a baby in the car'. We were joking about it all and at the very same time we both knew it was a legitimate possibility.

By the time we reached the mountain pass, my contractions were one minute apart and lasting for a full minute. Derek kept me breathing through each one and let me squeeze all the blood out of his right hand, all while keeping his left hand firmly planted on the steering wheel as he discovered the maximum speed of his truck! I would have been an absolute train wreck if not for the calm of my husband and the comforting presence of Jesus which was unmistakable in that truck.
As we entered the city, but still had another 30 minutes to the hospital, I knew we weren't going to make it. I was ready to push that baby out! Derek reviewed the plan with me; first step was telling him when I couldn't wait a second longer so he could pull the truck over. (As I type this, I am once again blown away by my husband and thanking Jesus for equipping him with the strength and level headed-ness to make me feel safe throughout the entire journey!) Thankfully, Derek's mom happened to mention, 'If he's coming too fast, there's always the hospital on Nevada.' Even though we did not know the exact location of this hospital, we exited off the interstate as soon as Nevada became an option. Derek asked his phone to call that hospital but was connected to an ER in Reno, Nevada! Needless to say, Siri was officially fired after that, but at last we saw that sweet, blue 'H' sign!

Within five minutes of reaching the Emergency room and being wheeled into a curtained off area with a cot, our son entered the world. We literally made it without a minute to spare. It was chaos in that room; people everywhere, bright lights and noises and scrambling around. Apparently, they don't deliver babies in there on a regular basis! I asked the ER Dr. if I could push and he turned the question around on me, 'Umm... well, can you?!' (I'm willing to bet this will be a story in his book, too!) I had been praying all the way down the mountain and then it was show time; I was ready and our little man was born. All the chaos faded when they handed him to me. Just like that, I was hopelessly in love.
I can't tell you how nervous I had been about that part. I know, I know... the love for your other children doesn't decrease upon arrival of another. But I couldn't fathom how or why that was actually possible. I couldn't, that is, until this little man was in my arms; at that moment my heart could fully grasp this remarkable truth. Derek says my face took on a glow; a look that he had not seen throughout the pregnancy, a knowing that I could (and already did!) love this little boy with 100% of me. This discovery of new love felt like fireworks in my chest, it was wide open spaces and the freedom to embrace it all!

Daniel Wayne Pearl arrived at 8:00 A.M on the dot. He weighed 7.11 pounds and was 20 inches long. We didn't know those numbers right away, though, because they didn't have an infant scale in the ER. The room continued to swarm with nurses, doctors, paramedics and students all bustling around. The nurse that cut the umbilical cord accidentally cut the Dr. as well, adding to the excitement! Then I mentioned that, out of all the different levels of pain I had experienced that morning, my arm was killing me. Their investigation revealed a tourniquet that had not been removed after they put my IV in! Did I mention the chaos in that room? I was floating, though. My baby boy had arrived; he was healthy and sweet and snuggled against me, I had my husband's hand in mine and I was perfectly content. (At least until I mentioned that it might be time to deliver the placenta... 'Oh yes! I think you're right!' was the response.)

When it was clear that they couldn't do much more for us, Daniel and I were loaded into an ambulance and transported to the hospital we were originally headed for. Derek followed closely behind and we were met by a group of nurses and staff anxiously awaiting 'the story'. Apparently, we were the talk of TWO hospitals that morning. What a whirlwind. What an entrance our little man made. I love that his birth brought JOY and the hope of a new life to the ER, a place so familiar with tragedy, pain and sadness.
In the quiet after all the scrambling, Derek said I was still glowing; I'd just fallen in love again! And to top it all off, there was french toast on the room service menu! Owen came with his Nana and Papa after a few hours and finally met this long awaited 'Baby Brudder'. After the initial meet and greet, he was more interested in the remote control for my hospital bed. But Owen is warming up to the idea of having Danny stick around and he is well on his way to being an excellent big brother! I can only imagine all the stories I will add to my collection because of these two little men I have the privilege of calling my sons. Our family doesn't tend to do things in the normal way; this birth story is a perfect fit for our repertoire!
All glory to God for the safe birth of our precious son, for going before us (literally, as we flew down that mountain pass) and for His faithfulness in our lives. He makes all our stories worth telling; He is the orchestrator of all the details and we are nothing without Him!

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety. Psalm 18:2

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

Peace with a capital P

Today Owen and I ate macaroni and cheese for breakfast. We sat on the floor and we clinked our mugs of milk and as we giggled, I savored. Then he chased me around the house with his 'jelly gun' until we couldn't possibly chase anymore and we absolutely needed a gum chewing session. We adventured outside and discovered the dirt hill to beat all dirt hills and we played and excavated and pretended. And then he continued to dig those fingernails down deep into the earth as I simply sat there and soaked it in; the sunshine on my back, the concentration of my little man's face, the wonder of living a day that will never come around again.
Yes, I know every second should be lived to the utmost and I'm aware of the inspirational quotes regarding our full presence required in each moment. But somehow this concept becomes much more tangible when tomorrow happens to be the day that 'Baby Brudder' is due to arrive. Of course, I don't know that he will abide by that schedule. But it's safe to say that our lives are on the brink of being forever changed in countless, incredible ways and that requires that right now, right here- we savor!

It's been a wild journey since leaving Hawaii. 'November 20th, give or take a few days' has always been a deadline in my mind. The start of a new chapter; this week is also when my nesting instinct demands our arrival wherever we're going to live for the immediate future. Since leaving our tropical home we have slept in 11 different beds, a plane and a truck! It has been spectacular. But, at last, we are able to 'settle'. And, as if that in itself was not gift enough, the settling is taking place in a beautiful home where we will house-sit for the next few months. God's plan is so magnificent and His timing is, quite literally, perfect. We are here and we are ready!
Colorado is.. majestic and breath taking, significantly lacking in humidity and blessedly full of family! It's been a good month. Owen experienced his first snow, his first painfully crunchy boogers and FISHING. This is an entirely new version of 'outdoors' and we are soaking up every bit of it. Kai approves, as well! Derek and I have been enjoying memory lane as we drive the dirt roads we grew up on, frequent our favorite Mennonite bakery and unpack the boxes that we stored almost 4 years ago. My husband is also working full time WHILE taking steps towards starting his own excavation business. I am so proud and thankful and, as always, inspired by him.

Jesus has given me an unexplainable amount of peace and grace throughout this entire transition. From the outside looking in, I probably should have been more worried about how the pieces would fall into place. But, for the most part, I just... wasn't. And this is not because of anything within me. It is my nature, and current state of full-blown pregnancy hormones, to desperately need a PLAN! That makes it glaringly obvious that God is in control here and meeting us so faithfully each step of the way. (Also, Derek is sworn to secrecy regarding any strange emotional displays or the amount of mint chip ice cream that has recently disappeared from the carton. We all have our moments..)

My devotions have led me deeper into the stories of Ruth and Esther the past few weeks. Stories of women who were courageous and deeds that were daring. We should dive into their incredible lives in another post. I just mention these beauties because of what we must have in common: Peace amidst uncertainty. Peace with a capital 'P' because it is Jesus. Peace that walks with each of us through the hard and the unknown and the downright scary; He leads us forward one step at a time. My journey is infinitely different than that of a daring, Moabite woman and a brave, Jewish queen. But our Peace is the same.

'Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.' Philippians 4:6-7 

And there you have it; Peace that literally does not make sense and can not be comprehended. Peace that has carried me to 40 weeks of pregnancy, through eight different states and over a mountain of unknowns. Peace that literally stood guard over my heart and mind, armed and ready to do battle with fear, as we journeyed. Peace that allows me to soak up today and my sweet boy and a hard-working husband, while feeling ready and excited for the arrival of our newest family member. I have 'Peace like a river' attending me and He truly lets me say, and whole heartedly believe, 'it is well, it is well with my soul'!

Cherries On Top!

Gypsy, wanderer, traveler; a part of me, deep within, always resonates with those terms. It's the excitement of a new adventure, a blank page and fresh sights to experience that awaken this part of my soul. Derek says I've been this way since he met me and it seems to be a common trend within my family. None of these terms are 100% accurate, though. I truly cherish friendships formed and, especially now with babies in the mix, definitely appreciate a solid 'root system'. I become restless but don't want to wander endlessly. I long to roam the wide, open spaces and yet desperately need a place to call home. I'm a walking conundrum! 

Thankfully, Derek's Mom found a more fitting term: sojourner, one who stays for a little while and then returns to the homeland. And the 'homeland' may not always be Colorado. In fact, I'm fairly certain our home base will change many times throughout the years. But our little family adventured far and wide, partaking fully of an excellent life in Hawaii, and it seems incredibly fitting that God is now bringing us full circle. We begin a new season of life and the first pages are staged in the tiny, mountain town where Derek and I both grew up. We are sojourners! 

We took six days to travel from California to Colorado, via Washington because our incredible friend from Hawaii let us ship boxes and furniture on her shipping container headed to the mainland! (Did I mention about God going above and beyond anything we could imagine?!) It was an excellent road trip. Owen and Kai were outstanding travel buddies and Derek exhibited amazing restraint in letting me take turns behind the wheel of truck and fully loaded trailer. There was a hedge of protection around us as we journeyed and we know God went before us! 
To break up the 45+ hours of driving we took more than a few pit stops to marvel at the WONDER of God's creation! We drove along the coast, wound our way through endless vineyards and ventured over mountain passes. We visited the Redwoods in all their magnificence and explored a sliver of Seattle. In Yellowstone we watched buffalo meander down the road, walked rickety wooden bridges over steaming sulfur lakes and, of course, OLD FAITHFUL! 

Even if we hadn't stopped at a single jaw-dropping sight, the sheer extravagance of road tripping through the Northwest in FALL would have been enough to qualify this trip as epic. The wide open spaces and off-road exploration was a gift straight from my Papa and I am so thankful! The transition from Hawaii to Colorado could have been completely overwhelming but Jesus arranged the details so well, giving us time to process and prepare.

Now, after a month off from 'real-life', we are ready to regain at least a little bit of normalcy. Derek is hard at work as we speak. God is such a Provider. I was able to arrange with insurance and a new obstetrician on day one here and Baby Pearl and I have already had our first check up. Thank you, Jesus! We shipped Derek's truck over and planned on waiting a few months to purchase a second vehicle, but in another God-is-so-beyond-us turn of events, we have been given a car! Hallelujah! 

Our trip was not without incident and much laughter. Mr. Owen, fresh out of potty training academy, had to develop a unique skill set for relieving his bladder on the side of the freeway. He also gave us a scare by squatting in what we thought was a patch of poison ivy. (Thankfully, California only has poison OAK.) Seriously, though, morale stayed very high; not many tears were shed by toddler or pregnant lady. And Derek's back held up remarkably well, thanks to a back roller that was given us mid-trip! There was an entire bottle of chocolate milk spilled in a certain someone's car seat; thankfully, this only happened 45 minutes from our final destination and that was as gnarly as things got! (Okay, I did get us extremely lost at one point and had to relinquish navigation duties to the 'other woman' on Derek's GPS, but that's water under the bridge..)

The ways that God met us each step of the way (and continually meets us) is so humbling. Whether it be a 'big deal' or a minuscule detail, He is intimately involved. We were unsure of when/where to purchase a trailer to load our furniture and boxes on. Derek made a few calls as we drove and we checked out the Home Depot and Lowe's of Portland. Our hope was to get this detail squared away before arriving in Washington. The options were slim, however, so we kept heading north. In the end, we found a place specializing in the beefy, quality trailer Derek originally wanted and it was literally 10 minutes from our friend's house where our things had been dropped off! TEN MINUTES. Cherry on top of an already unbelievable gift. 
On our second to last day of driving we were shooting for a random town that was simply a decent amount of miles away for us to tackle. As we drew closer, the billboards informed us that this town boasted the local hot springs attraction! After a full day of driving in the rain, that bubbly water sounded positively glorious. But, of course, we knew it was probably unrealistic. We wouldn't arrive until 7:30p.m and needed to unpack most of our suitcases in the hotel room to allow everything to air dry. God did it again, though. 
As Derek came out of the very first hotel we stopped at, his smile told me 'this is going to be good!' Not only had they given him a discount for no apparent reason (besides his rugged good looks and charming demeanor, of course!) but they just happened to have their own personal hot springs! Another cherry on top and as the boys swam, and I soaked my lower half, I knew that this too was a gift from our incredibly good and faithful Father.

Deciding to leave Hawaii was very difficult but God continues to make it abundantly clear that this is right where He wants us. I'm amazed by Him daily. Not to mention, being surrounded by family is such a sweet, sweet blessing! Owen has handled the changes and transitioning like a champion and I know that a huge factor in that is the LOVE poured out on him every step of the way. 

We are sojourners... in search of adventure, ready for whatever God has next and thankful for arms open wide as we venture back to 'the homeland' for a bit. Our journey is so ridiculously blessed and we give God all the glory. We will never truly stop wandering until we meet Him face to face and I can guarantee that spending eternity with the Author of our faith will redefine the 'cherry on top'!

Lamentations 3:22-23 'The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.' 

What is this?!

Two weeks ago we hugged our favorites one last time and boarded a plane, leaving behind tropical paradise and life as we know it. Upon arrival in Los Angeles, Owen expressed the overwhelming emotion we were all wrestling with by asking, 'What is this place??' While not contiguous, the Big Island is, indeed, part of the United States. And yet nothing makes the differences between here and there seem quite so stark as the navigation of traffic in downtown LA. Thank goodness, that was not our final destination.

We have been 'vacationing' in Central California for 14 wonderful days. In the midst of transition and change and goodbyes that made our hearts hurt, God knew that we were in desperate need of rest and relaxation. Hugging my Mom and Dad was high on the 'really really want' list. But needing to wait in CA. until our truck arrived actually made this time mandatory and an absolute balm for my weary heart. Berry picking, bike riding, the best sleep we've had in months, a surprise Baby shower, marshmallows around the bonfire.. it's been bliss.

Watching Owen bond with his grandparents and wreak havoc with his cousins has been priceless. (He thought 'cousins' was a single person until they all walked in the door and I don't think he's stopped playing and laughing since that moment..) In the midst of chaos, I've been blessed with a pedicure date with my Mom, exploration of the magical place that is my parent's backyard and deeper digging into Bible questions with my favorite scholar, Dad! Derek was able to go surfing with my brother and golfing with the cousins. The only moment of displeasure was when Owen had to put on a pair of jeans -for the first time in his entire life! He proceeded to walk around bowlegged, as if there was spikes in them, begging for answers: 'Mom, what IS this?!'

There are numerous unknowns and variables in our life right now and on many different levels our only option is to take it one day at a time. Our truck was supposed to arrive two days ago but, alas, it did not and we have had two extra days of vacation! I would like to map out all the details of our road trip to Colorado but it's hard to do that without knowing when we will begin the drive. I would love to set up an appointment with an OB on the other end but that depends largely on when we arrive. Etc. etc. etc.
Our sweet son often voices the very questions that Derek and I are wrestling with. What is happening, where are we going and why is everything different? We are confident that God is leading us forward into a new chapter and He has already worked out so many of the details in miraculous ways. But that doesn't mean we don't have our moments of wondering, 'What is this?!?' And I am reminded of other curious wanderers who asked these same questions.. Exodus 16:15 'When the Israelites saw it, they said to each other, "What is it?" For they did not know what it was. Moses said to them, "It is the bread the LORD has given you to eat.'

The Israelites were hungry and so God provided food. Beautiful simplicity. They weren't ready for the whole plan and they certainly weren't prepared to conquer the Promised Land. God says something along the lines of, 'Chill out. Let's deal with breakfast first.' They could only gather what they needed for the day in front of them, any extra would spoil before they woke up the next morning. [Exodus 16:4] God is offering 'manna' to us as well but sometimes we fail to recognize it for the heavenly bread that it is. My desperate need for a plan can be cause for missing the beauty in Him simply asking me to walk forward one step at a time while He goes before me making a way. Jesus is saying 'Here's the bread you need for today, daughter, enjoy it! We'll deal with tomorrow when it arrives!'

And so we continue to hold our hands open and trust the Orchestrator of this crazy, ridiculous, wonderful, exciting journey! Nothing that we have is truly ours anyway. Paul says to the Corinthian church, 'What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?' 1 Corinthians 4:7 It's all from Him and it's all for Him. He knew exactly how much time we needed here in California. And now as we prepare to embark on an epic road trip, I have no doubt that He is already at work on our behalf! What a gracious Father we have! Instead of asking 'What is it?!' I will bend down to gather these sweet, crunchy flakes of manna; 'the bread the LORD has given you to eat'. And while looking forward to all that is to come, I will focus on giving thanks for the heavenly bread I have been given for today.

Doors.

They tell us that when one door closes another will open. Simple, right? Well, I've learned a few things about 'doors' in the past few months and let me tell you, my friend, it is anything but simplicity. A few details 'they' forgot to mention about said doors:
1) When a door closes it is hard. (Especially if you are running at top speed towards it, fully expecting it to swing wide and end up running face first into that very well constructed and definitely-still-closed door. Ice pack, anyone?)
2) When one door closes you might have to wait awhile for another to open. And that in between part... yep, it might be extremely hard.
3) When the next door does, indeed, open... you may not realize it. Or you may be in denial! Either way, it won't necessarily have butterflies and rainbows shooting out of it. Walking through that open door may also be, you guessed it, hard.

Glad I got that off my chest. See, we have been dealing with a lot of closed doors the past few months. And yes, I did receive more than one 'bloody nose' from stubbornly running straight into these doors with the assumption that they would eventually open.
Our 'Hawaii journey' has been one example of God's providence after the next. We have transitioned from one home to the next, one opportunity to the next and one miracle to the next, with an unbelievable amount of ease. It has been so obvious that this is where God wants us and that He is making a way. He is our provider; He is Jehovah Jireh.
But in the past few months God started revealing something new to us. Of course, we didn't realize it at first. Doors started closing on this end and we took it in stride, confident that He would open a new one. Then they kept closing and, with no open ones in sight, we started wondering just how long we would need to spend in the in-between. (As mentioned in a previous post, it is my least favorite place to hang out!) And then, at long last, we realized the open doors for what they were and.... we chose to continue biding our time in the in-between because SURELY, God didn't actually mean for us to walk through that door??! See, I wasn't kidding about the denial part.

But enough beating around the bushes (or palm trees, in this case!) Our Hawaii journey is coming to an end, my friends. No more living vicariously through my tropical pictures and posts! We are heading back to the mainland and a new chapter is beginning. And now that we have opened our hearts to this 'something new' we are absolutely astonished at the ways God has orchestrated the transition. This is hard, I suspect that change always is (especially when it includes leaving friendships that are absolutely irreplaceable and a group of people that have truly become our family), but it can also be excellent.
'See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.' Isaiah 43:19
One of the 'nuggets' that has stayed with me since Derek and I studied in YWAM is the 'open-hand policy'. This is the idea that if we hold tight to something, it is going to be very painful if/when God takes that thing away. If our hands are in the open position, however; palms up and fingers extended, it is so much simpler for things to be removed from our grasp. When God takes things out of our life it is usually because He is going to replace it with something else. But just like a toddler with grubby fingers wrapped tightly around an empty cup, we do not realize our Father's intentions to FILL UP THE CUP and we throw a fit. Solely focused on what is being 'taken away' we are not aware of what is about to be given to us!
Open hands, my friends. Open hands, Bethel.
'Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen.' Ephesians 3:20

C.S Lewis said, "There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." And it is hard to fathom any experiences surpassing the wonderful 3.5 years we have spent on this island. But God has a way of exceeding expectations every time. Not only is He able to go above and beyond anything we ask of Him; Paul tells the Ephesian church (and us!) that our God is able to do 'immeasurably more' than we could ever conjure up in our wildest dreams. Our imaginations can not grasp all that He has in store!
And, of course, I believe Mr. Lewis was speaking of our eternal destination and not just the body of land we currently reside in. Derek reminded me of this as he prayed the other day, saying, 'God, we have no question of where we will spend eternity. We are simply searching for our next temporary dwelling. And we trust You completely.' This world is not our home. We are just passing through!
So this chapter comes to a close and, with open hands, we turn the first page of a brand new one! Our bags are packed and all our worldly possessions are floating in the middle of the Pacific Ocean! It's not that the next season need 'top' this last one. But rather, we acknowledge that when we trust Jesus and journey with Him, He will continually lead us forward into greater things which He has been orchestrating since the beginning of time. And yes, goodbyes on this end will be heart breaking. But having confidence in God's purposes for us on the other side (and a whole heap of family members waiting to hug us and get to know our boys!) makes for bittersweet tears as we step through the new door that God has opened.

Mountain Moving Mustard Seed

Transitioning is a hard place to be; the in-between, the unknown, the waiting before the doing. Quite frankly, it's my least favorite place to be. I long to be 'there', wherever that may be. I need to know, I want to DO. And it is in these hallways of life, not knowing which door to choose or if any of them will actually open, that my faith can be called into question. Is it strong enough to withstand? Will I have enough of it to keep hoping, keep believing?
But Jesus told His disciples, "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20 And that resonates within me as I'm here feeling oh-so-small. A grain of mustard seed is usually 1-2 millimeters in size: minuscule! But Jesus says He can work with the smallest of small and goes so far as to say they can be mountain movers. I can be a mountain mover. "Nothing will be impossible for you."

So, yes, this is cause for head held a bit higher in whichever of life's 'hallways' I'm currently biding time in. But, let's be honest, the waiting continues and it's still not enjoyable and I desperately need wisdom. The decisions can be daunting and the ramifications far reaching and does anyone else want to come over and be the adult right about now?! But God promises to give wisdom to those who are lacking in that department, ahem.. ME! 'If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.' James 1:5
And so I cling to that verse and I request said wisdom. I ask every single morning, in my rocking chair on the front porch, and I ask at noon time and I ask in all the in-between places and in the quiet of the night as I wait for sleep to take over. I wait for that lightbulb to click on and the path to become crystal clear! But as I spoke to my parents a few weeks ago, I realized that not only does the first part of that verse apply to me, but the second part, too. 'But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.' James 1:6 With tears in my eyes, I confessed my doubt and the fact that I am that wave and I'm being tossed ALL OVER this sea of unknowns.

Thankfully, my Dad was quick to remind me that Jesus doesn't give up on doubters and he pointed me to the story of Peter in Matthew 14. 
Jesus has just given the disciples the scare of the century by WALKING to them across the water, in the midst of a vicious storm. Once they realize it is Him, however, Peter takes it to the next level. Always the eager one, the go-getter, he calls out "Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water." And Jesus says, "Come." So Peter hops out of the boat! And at first, it works! 'Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus.' PETER WALKS ON THE WATER!! Unreal.
'But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, "Lord, save me."  Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" [from Matthew 14:28-31]

I notice a few things here. Obviously, the sweet sweet fact that 'Jesus immediately reached out His hand'! As soon as Peter cries out for help, Jesus responds, Jesus rescues. He doesn't mess with him, He doesn't let him flounder a little just to prove a point. He is THERE and He saves immediately, even though Peter is a doubter. I let the wind and waves draw my attention off the Savior and I, too, begin to sink and it is scary! But there is redemption. There is grace. He WILL reach out His hand and pull me back to the surface. *Insert giant sigh of relief.*
But Jesus does ask why Peter doubted. There is abundant grace but Jesus will always speak the truth and Peter is not off the hook. I am not off the hook. He calls him 'you of little faith' and Peter will have to process this and come to terms with it. But two chapters later we find Jesus calling out the good in him, 'And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it.' Matthew 16:18 He had little faith, he let the waves suck him down AND YET Jesus says He will build His church on this man. Jesus saw a mountain moving mustard seed in him. And He sees that in you and I, too!

And the lyrics of Hillsong United's song, Oceans, keeps trickling through my brain and turning up on my Pandora stations...

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

...

My friend texted me a few days ago, saying that she felt she was supposed to send me these verses: Matthew 14:27-32 She wasn't sure why or how they could apply to my life, but she was obedient. Little did she realize these were the exact verses that have been on my mind all week. She was being used to remind me of Peter's venturing out onto the water, the pull of the waves and the strong, steady hand of Jesus. God was telling me to take this seriously; to not write off this hallway waiting period and to stop doubting the amount of faith He has already placed within me. The time will come to act, to move, and I must be ready.

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

...

And so I lift my eyes up. I take my attention off the waves, off the unknowns and the restless pull of my heart, and I look to Jesus. He is right here next to me in this hallway of life.. and in the same way that He offered the opportunity to Peter, so he calls to me, 'Come.' And I realize that my faith, mustard seed that it is, is all that is required to step out of the boat. I too can walk on water when the Savior is in front of me! And as I draw near to Him my faith can increase as my fears decrease. It doesn't say Jesus carries Peter back to the boat which leads me to believe that they walked back together; step by step across those rolling waves. 'And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down.' Matthew 14:32 

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

...

We will all face difficult decisions, we will each spend time in the in-between. There are mountains towering over each of us and we will find cause to doubt. But Jesus can and will use us and our mustard seed of faith. He will work in us, He will lead us through to the other side and, believe it or not, we can walk on water. We can move mountains as soon as we stop doubting that it's possible! Joshua 1:9 'Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.'

Please check out this song that I referenced.. Hillsong United: Oceans <---- Seriously, it's incredible!

Owen Update!

I wish I could weave every incredible moment into a blog post; cataloging each priceless minute into word form, lest I ever start to forget these days. But, 'aint nobody got time for that'... and so here I am, with a list of sweetness that I don't want to forget but no real moral of the story as far as post writing goes. Can you guys handle some rambling and rabbit trails? Because that is the essence of my life with a two year old :)
The little man is changing so fast right now. We gave him a summer haircut and it seriously aged him by three years! (Why doesn't anyone warn you about that?) When he falls he doesn't want to be immediately comforted and smothered by motherly goodness. He needs space and, while that hurts my heart a little, it truly is magnificent to watch him assess the wound and then re-assure himself that 'Owen's tough' and 'Owen's brave' before finally coming to me for a kiss and a bandaid or simply dusting himself off and resuming wild man activities.

Owen's 'happy place' is the middle spot in a giant, three-way hug with Derek and I. He wraps one arm around each of our necks and, as we squish our cheeks up to his, he says 'boff of dem' (both of them), with a grin stretching ear to ear. Other happy places include the jungle: we put on long pants and marinate in bug spray and then trek into the middle of nowhere to see what we can see and we might as well be at Disney World, there is that much excitement bubbling out of him! Also, swimming... all day, every day, in the ocean, in a pool, in a bucket, in the tub, in Kai's ice cream gallon container of water. He is a fish. And with the way he has mastered all the 'average' sea creatures and moved on to more specific and complex species (i.e jelly fish, manta rays, clown fish, convict tang) he may have a future in marine biology!
Owen's hobbies include painting, excavating, reading, cooking with Mom, 'working hard' with Dad, and perfecting the summersault! We're working on counting, abc's, colors, and warming up to the thought of a 'baby brudder' joining the family in a few months. For all his rough and tumble-ness, Owen has a tender heart and is quick to check on anyone who is hurting or sad. He also reminds me, quite regularly, to 'eat one a time, Mom.. don't choke!' (mostly in reference to mangos..) and also 'Go caffully, Mom! Don't wipe out!' What a gentleman.

In the morning Derek asks Owen what time it is and he responds, with gusto, 'Coffee time!' He has also become a fine connoisseur of hot milk and specifically instructs us in each step of the process: 'Wam it up, put shugar in and stir it UP!' We've resorted to bribery in the potty-training department and, although I'm hesitant to speak too soon, it does seem to be working! Maybe we'll be finished with diapers just in time for Baby Brudder to take over.
Needless to say, there is no shortage of laughter, lessons to be learned or messes to be cleaned up in this house. Of all the ways Owen is developing and growing, my absolute favorite, both to observe and be a part of, is his blossoming relationship with Jesus Christ. His prayers at night are priceless; thanking Jesus for all the people in his life and the things he did that day. The other night his words took me completely off guard as he prayed about the dead bird he and his Dad had found earlier. He thanked God that the bird was 'flying with Jesus now, not hurting anymore and not crying'. Little did he realize that would be enough to make ME cry! Journeying through life with a little one may be cause for much rambling and rabbit trail wandering, but it is also one of life's greatest joys and God's biggest blessings! What a wild, beautiful adventure.

A Love that doesn't add up..

Sweet Baby Boy,

The math doesn't add up. When I married your Daddy I knew that I would never love another human being like I loved him. It was 100% and I was 'all-in'. But then your big brother was born and the most unexplainable, ridiculous thing happened. I realized that, regardless of the numbers adding up or not, I could still love your Dad with all my heart and, at the same exact time, love a tiny miniature version of him with another 100% of... me! Rather than the love being divvied up, it was multiplied.

And now you are coming, sweet babe. And I can not fathom what life will be like once you arrive. I have yet to figure out how it's even possible to be a mama of two. But there is not a doubt in my mind that I already love you with all that I am. And it won't add up, but I will be 'all-in' for all of your life and I will love you with a crazy lady, mama bear, heart-walking-around-outside-my-body, kind of love. You can count on that.
You are currently the size of an ear of corn and busy developing a fine pair of lungs. Your summersaults and jabs get stronger by the day and, because this journey with you has been so incredibly 'easy', those karate kicks are my main reminder that there is truly a LIFE growing within me!

I want you to know how often I think of you and pray over every detail of your journey. This pregnancy walk has been approached different than your big brother's, simply because I don't have the same amount of time available for day-dreaming, book reading and Pinterest browsing. But I am just as giddy about the moment I will hold you in my arms for the first time; I can't wait to get to know you.
In a rare moment of sweet quiet, I sit here reading about name meanings. Your brother is absolutely the 'young warrior' that his name claims and it makes me wonder who you will be. The potential that is already wrapped up in your 8.5 inch long body is truly staggering. I thank Jesus for the privilege it is to be chosen as your Mama and the absolute joy it will be to come alongside you in your journey to be all that He is creating you to be!

I'm biased but I think you're really going to like our family. You've got the best Dad in the world and he will teach you everything you need to know about being wild, brave, free, confident, kind and true. He's already picked out your name but has yet to fully convince me :) Your big brother will, hands down, be the best adventure partner! He loves to explore and imagine and dance and laugh. He'll teach you to drink hot chocolate with 'marshfellows', jump right in the deep end of the pool and say 'scuse me' from any/all bodily functions even when you think it's hilarious. Most of all, we'll point you to Jesus, each of us in our own way, and He will continually guide you!
Like anything else in life, becoming a family of four will be a transition. But we won't be able to imagine life without you. The lessons we learn will be priceless and the adventures in store will be epic. And no, it won't add up, but our love will just keep multiplying and if that's not the best way to do life... I don't know what is!

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.  (Psalm 139:13-16)

I am Free!

The waves ripple and the wind caresses my face. Birds call out to one another, to the day; beckoning the rising of the sun. The chair beneath me rocks back and forth, back and forth, and some days there aren't many words or they simply feel repetitive, memorized. But not so with this day. Words spill forth from a deep well inside me and the Presence of One so much more powerful, mighty and awe-inspiring wraps itself around me. I am on holy ground.
'Acknowledge that the LORD is God! He made us, and we are his. We are his people, the sheep of his pasture.' [Psalm 100:3]
I can get so caught up in the happenings of my little life, my blurp of existence on this planet, that I lose sight. I forget that I was made by a Creator; that I am His. In the business of responsibilities and activities, shopping lists and deadlines, I begin to act as though I am running this show. And, inevitably, things spiral out of control and I'm left feeling a sad combination of failure, weariness, frustration or loneliness. But in the hush of this morning on the front porch, it's revealed to me once again: I am not my own.
'Don't you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.' [1 Corinthians 6:19-20] 

And with this simple reminder comes astonishing freedom. I am His and in Him, I am free. Freed from anxiety, freed from pressure, freed from status-quo and anything else that might try to hold me captive. I do not belong to these task masters, they can only rule over me if I let them. And why would I ever choose fear? Why would I choose the opinions of man over the truth spoken by my Creator? And yet I do, time and time again. Reverting to the 'old self', I allow lies of the enemy to lay claim to my thoughts, my emotions, my life.
'For you know that God paid a ransom to save you from the empty life you inherited from your ancestors. And it was not paid with mere gold or silver, which lose their value. It was the precious blood of Christ, the sinless, spotless Lamb of God. God chose him as your ransom long before the world began, but now in these last days he has been revealed for your sake.' [1 Peter 1:18-20]
And the familiar worship song echoes through the corridors of my mind: And when before the throne // I stand in Him complete // Jesus died my soul to save // my lips shall still repeat // Jesus paid it all // All to Him I owe // Sin had left a crimson stain // He washed it white as snow //

A ransom has been paid for my very soul. I have been released from any and every chain that would ever hope to bind me. And yet, in the hustle and bustle; in distractedness and striving and giving into feelings of anxiety or jealousy, I willingly put the chains back on myself. I offer myself as a slave to my to-do lists, to my iPhone, to the stress that comes from overfilled days where I didn't make time for what truly matters.
I am not my own but I'm really quite good at acting like I am. I charge full speed into all that 'needs to be done' only to end up shaking my head at the end of the day, wondering why I still don't feel purpose or fulfillment. I strive, I long for more, I seek approval from those around me and it all falls short of the freedom that is already mine in Jesus Christ. He sets me free and there are no strings attached; He simply asks that I wouldn't let myself be burdened again! It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.' Galatians 5:1 
May I learn to cease striving and let Him lead. May I run to Him first and foremost with every detail of the journey; knowing that only a life found in Him will be a life worth living. My debt has been paid, I am made new. But I must choose to walk in this freedom every day, each moment.
And right there in that rocking chair on the front porch, I began to raise my voice and sing, because I am His and I am FREE! O Praise the One who paid my debt // And raised this life up from the dead

Learning to Share..

You know what's awesome? Husbands. Husbands are awesome. Specifically, my husband!

Who else will kill the gigantic (as big as my hand) spider in the kitchen sink? Who else goes dumpster diving in order to bring me a fruit dehydrator? Who doesn't stop getting me birthday presents even though I somehow manage to discover what they are before the big day arrives (unintentionally this year, I promise!)?
I feel like husbands are, for the most part, overworked and under appreciated!
I write a lot about our tiny son. But that doesn't mean I don't have just as many, if not more, thoughts about my best friend. I suppose I lean towards the Owen-isms in blogging because his journey through toddler-hood runs so parallel to my journey with Jesus. But while Owen and I are a roller-coaster of emotions and falling down and getting back up, Derek is a constant.
Consistently hard working, funny, encouraging; my husband can be counted on. He loves me so well and I don't thank him enough. He is dedicated to leading our family with grace and I take that for granted. He hangs in trees all day, attached to a chainsaw, and then comes home bearing donuts! He is a rare and exceptional type of man and I am abundantly blessed to be his wife.

There is something magical about marrying your best friend and, eventually, starting a family with them. I can not put into words the feeling that comes from seeing my favorite person on the planet rocking our sweet, tiny son. But with this magic comes the fact that I now have to share my best friend. That sounds silly, but it's true. (When you read the title, you thought this was going to be about Owen learning to share, didn't you!?)
When my best friend comes home from work at night, Owen usually beats me to him. And although I have a million things to tell Derek, Owen usually has two million! And it's unbelievably sweet. But sometimes it's also hard. Sometimes I don't want to share. (See what I mean about Owen and I being on very similar journeys?!)

My best friend is a daddy; the very best kind. He's also my husband; a fantastic one! On top of everything else on his plate he now has to balance those roles and, I must admit, sometimes I'm not very helpful. I expect, I assume, I remember the days when we had each other's full attention at the dinner table. But here's the thing: if I want my children to have the absolute best dad, then I have to be willing to share my best friend.

Derek and Owen will have a bond unlike any other; a father and son connection that I will never fully understand. And that is important and vital! They need each other and I need them to need each other. Derek is teaching Owen how to be a man.
Sometimes I feel guilty leaving our tiny son with my hard working husband so that I can go regain my sanity.. but then I come home and realize they've had the best time EVER and I know that it's not only good, but necessary! And sometimes I wish for uninterrupted conversations or date nights that weren't four months apart. But I know that this chapter of life is unlike any other and it is remarkably significant.
My husband and I have had incredible adventures. We've climbed mountains, jumped out of planes, ventured to other continents... and sometimes I long for those days. But I can not underestimate the absolutely EPIC adventure unfolding before us; raising up a family, giving of ourselves and being committed to this team. We work hard and we come home exhausted and we've had to realize that entertainment and 'night's out' can look a lot different but still be excellent. And this is the adventure that will alter our lives forever. 

This was supposed to be a Father's Day post and I'm a few days late.. But I wanted to express how THANKFUL I am for my best friend. And no matter what season we are in, I can still say what I said seven years ago, 'Any adventure with you is my favorite'. I'm sorry for the times that I grow anxious for the next rush, the plane tickets to somewhere exotic (sounds kinda silly when you know I live on an island..) or the next mountaintop to summit. 

Watching Derek with our son, partnering with him in the raising up of our young warrior, looking forward to our family growing... that is the adventure of a lifetime. And, thankfully, we do manage the occasional few hours away and we slurp chow mein with chopsticks and sneak our peanut butter cups into the movie theater. These times reminds me that we had this before and we have it now amidst the chaos and, in however many years until our babies are all grown, we'll have it still- a bond that words can't describe, a love that grows deeper with each day and the adventure of doing life side by side (even when that means I have to share him..) 

Happy Father's Day, my love.