Not the Summer I had planned...

It's been over four months since I last felt physically 'normal'. Not exactly the summer I had planned; I've been in and out of more doctor's offices than throughout the rest of my life combined. I've been 'diagnosed' five different ways, with the words being said each time in question mark form as I was referred to yet another specialist.

The current label on my unexplained joint pain and swelling is 'Inflammatory Arthritis of the Joints'; not an issue I was especially prepared to do battle with at 26 years old. And yet, with all these big unknowns and pain levels I have never before lived with on a daily basis, I fully trust that God is faithful and good. And while we have yet to find resolution or even certainty as to what I am dealing with, I know the lessons I am learning have great value and should be shared.

'Your strength is found

At the end of my road

Your grace, it reaches to the hurting

Still through the tears and the questioning why

I will stand my ground where hope can be found

I will stand my ground where hope can be found..'

Lauren Daigle: 'O Lord' 

This journey started in May with a tingling in my toes. The pins and needles sensation soon morphed into pain in my feet and then extreme swelling. I visited our local clinic and they sent me to a Podiatrist. At each visit the word 'anomaly' was used as nothing seemed to add up. We ended up in the ER, nervous about a blood clot in my leg. An ultrasound quickly put those fears to rest but we were back the next week when the pain and swelling moved up into my left collar bone and jaw. I was a 9 on the pain scale; shuffling my feet because it was too painful to pick them up as I walked, 'eating' food in smoothie form because my jaw had almost completely locked and chewing food was extremely difficult. The worst part was not being able to pick up my boys. Raising my arms higher than my chest, especially while carrying something, resulted in my left clavicle feeling as if sharp knives were being pushed into it.  

   Psalm 90:12 Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

Lesson #1: Life is fleeting. We all know this, but we don't tend to LIVE like it until something tragic or shocking serves as a wake-up call. At the beginning of this journey, before we knew what it was NOT, Derek and I had to wrestle with several 'heavy' questions and come to terms with the fact that God is the only One who knows the number of our days. There is an incredible Peace that comes with true acceptance of the fact that I AM NOT IN CHARGE and can truly rest in knowing the One who is.

I've learned much about the medical field as I navigated the referral process and wait lists a literal mile long and finally had appointments with a Doctor of Internal Medicine, an Infectious Disease Specialist and a Rheumatologist. They've done almost every blood test in the book and, other than obviously elevated inflammation markers, there's no obvious answer for the continuing swelling and pain.
Both in the ER and at a return visit to the Podiatrist, attempts were made to draw fluid from my joints, without success. I have done time on anti-inflammatories, pain killers and antibiotics, all in attempts to treat my bizarre symptoms. I am currently off of all prescriptions, as we continue to search for the root issue. I have just completed a Whole30 diet, removing inflammatory foods (a.k.a all the comfort foods!) from my body for 30 days. Now I am very slowly re-introducing food groups one at a time, in hopes of discovering a diet related 'trigger'.
I've been blessed with doctors who truly joined our 'team' and fought for answers alongside us, connecting me to whomever was my next best option and making personal follow-up calls to see how I was progressing. I've also been confused and frustrated by other doctors who did not have time for my questions and simply wanted to hand me a stack of prescriptions on their way out the door. Prescriptions, I might add, for an immunosuppressant that would shut down my immune system, dramatically increasing my risk of things much scarier than joint pain, in my opinion. (I told them, 'Thank you, but no thank you..')
Lesson #2: Fight for yourself. Don't give up. Do your research. Put on your grown-up voice and say what you need to say. Regardless of whether the words 'chronic' and 'auto immune disease' are being thrown around, we all face countless opportunities to be brave and make the hard decisions and even the most introverted of us CAN do it.

'Suffering can be a friend who drives you where you didn't know you needed to go.' 

-Ann Voskamp

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll

Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say

It is well, it is well, with my soul

-Horatio Spafford 

Lesson #3: It's okay to let others fight for you, too. We live in a society that praises individualism and looks down on those who don't have it all together. But here's a little secret: none of us are actually perfect! And we all need friends that will jump into the mud beside us and say 'I've got your back.' Appreciate those people! And let them in.
It has been very difficult opening up to friends and family and admitting my need for help. But on days when you cannot pick up your kids... or walk... it becomes the only option. And the support and encouragement that's been poured out on my family and I in the past few months has brought me to tears on multiple occasions. Relationships deepen when you let people into your mess. It's painful.. especially for Type A's. But it's real and it is good and when we allow it, God works mightily through those people and carries us through the seasons we lack the strength for.

'Maybe success isn't in believing I can do anything but in knowing I can do nothing... It seems to me when I finally recognize my inability is when Christ shows up able within me.'

 Emily P Freeman

Discouragement has been one of my biggest attackers. I am actually extremely grateful to be walking this road with two toddlers in tow, because they make it impossible for me to say, 'No, I think I'll just spend the day in bed...' Letting this get the better of me is simply not an option because of the other people literally depending on me to feed them and play with them and wipe their buns. Some days are brutal; I cried a lot during the first two months. But I am thankful for their sweet presence in my days and for their tiny hands in mine as they help me get around in the mornings, Owen whispering, 'One step at a time, Mama, one step at a time..' It also brings me to tears on a regular basis to hear prayers for 'Mama to feel much better!' and be able to talk through the ways and timing of God's healing power.

'The name of the LORD is a strong fortress; the godly run to him and are safe.' Proverbs 18:10

Derek has patiently walked beside me as I navigate various stages of disbelief, frustration, straight-up excruciating pain, and a few pity parties sprinkled throughout. He is encouraging when I am down, he is intense when I want to give up, he is steadfast when I am full of questions. And he brings me flowers after I've had every possible vein poked and prodded for blood. Mid-journey my brave hearted husband said, 'I just don't want to see you lose your joy.' And I have carried his words with me, a powerful challenge to find the joy regardless of how I am feeling.
I will NOT let Satan use this to steal my joy. I will NOT let this... whatever it is.. be my excuse to not show up, give my best and be a light. May we each appreciate the ones in our life that will absolutely not allow us to give up our fight. 'In the face of pain and struggle, don't shut down; stay open. Refuse to miss the joy waiting for you today.' Rachel Macy Stafford

'And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.' Philippians 4:7

I honestly do not know how anyone walks through seasons of unknowns and pain without Jesus. He has been the Peace that literally STANDS GUARD over my heart and mind as the enemy (and my own fear!) make attacks in every way imaginable. I have prayed and been prayed for and continue to pray... for healing. And I absolutely believe that He has heard each and every one of our cries. So now I wait for His perfect timing, trusting that He will do more good and bring more glory to His name through my suffering in this season than through my health. I can't see the whole picture but He does and He journeys with me every step of the way.
Lesson #4: God's got this! 'Then Elisha prayed, "O LORD, open his eyes and let him see!" The LORD opened the young man's eyes, and when he looked up, he saw that the hillside around Elisha was filled horses and chariots of fire.' 2 Kings 6:17

It hasn't all been pain and doctor's visits and scary unknowns this summer, either; we have had countless adventures. Not the grand expeditions I had planned, but ones that were just as rich with goodness, beauty and fun. Owen played T-ball and Daniel turned into quite the comedian! We broke ground at our land and roasted marshmallows and Derek and I celebrated our 7th anniversary in Taos, New Mexico! We spent more time laying in the grass looking for cloud animals and less time rushing to and fro. We smelled all the flowers, threw more rocks in the creek and learned a deeper lesson about extending grace to one another.
Owen announces to people, 'My Mom's bones hurt..' giving me permission to walk as slowly as I need through the aisles of the grocery store. And I do see progress, some days more than others. The pain is definitely not as intense as it was; instead of the 'stabbing' pain I now feel more of a dull ache in all the joints that have been affected.
Regardless of if, when and how this 'anomaly' will run it's course, there are lessons to be learned amidst pain that I may never have been able to learn through health, so I treasure them. And I hug my people tighter. And I have deeper, truer compassion for those who are physically hurting or mentally overwhelmed. I have made connections with countless people I wouldn't have otherwise made; individuals battling arthritis or inundated by giant unknowns, patients next to me in line for more blood work and others attempting wacky, anti-inflammatory diets simply to feel as though they are fighting in their own 'small' way. I thank God for those connections!
Lesson #5: Everyone is fighting their own battle. May we extend grace whether we feel like it's 'deserved' or not. We don't know what's going on beneath the surface. And maybe we'll get it wrong on occasion, it's possible that people ARE just being dramatic or should, indeed, go get a job. But in a world full of skeptics and stereotyping, I see how mercy and a love that transcends differences can be life-changing.

When I cannot stand I'll fall on You

Jesus, You're my hope and stay

-Matt Maher

So, I didn't write this to garner sympathy. I also did not write this in hopes of receiving any more well-meant pieces of advice or ideas of which food groups I should eliminate next. I DID, however, write this post because dealing with suffering is not something I've had much experience with and I wanted to share the lessons I am in the midst of learning. I fully understand that in comparison to the heartbreak and pain that countless others are walking through, this may seem insignificant. But the battles we must fight come in many different shapes and sizes and I believe we can all learn from one another. This is how I process.. and I pray my words might encourage someone else out on their very own muddy battlefield. I would definitely appreciate your prayers as I head to the Rheumatology Department at Denver's University Hospital this week. (Also, this post will hopefully answer some questions about why I'm STILL limping around town!)

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is you alone.

You've been faithful, You've been good

All of my days

Jesus, I will cling to You

Come what may

'Cause I know You're able

I know You can

-MercyMe-