The Hard Chapters...

Life happens in seasons and for that I am grateful. Literal seasons that bring crunchy leaves and air that feels crisp, but also seasons of life which come and go, days flowing together like chapters in a book. Some of my 'chapters' are a faster read than others, some I love to return to over and over, with pages worn thin. Then there are ones which don't unfold exactly as anticipated. This particular season is certainly not one I would have written into my story, had I been the author. A significant plot twist, in my opinion! So, while I am extremely thankful this is NOT my whole story and the chapter will end, I do believe this to be one with significant potential for affecting the rest of my story. And so we read on...

Since my last blog post I've been to the University of Colorado's Rheumatology department. Many of you were praying over that appointment. Thank you! The doctor was exactly what we hoped for; wise and kind, willing to take as much time as needed to listen to my story and speak in terms I could understand. He was very confident in diagnosing me with 'Reactive Arthritis', triggered by a food-borne illness I had at the beginning of May. This type of arthritis usually runs its course within six months, which renewed our hope for a full and timely recovery in the near future. In the days that followed my appointment I felt relief both mentally and physically. Hope is a very powerful force.
During this time Derek was 'deployed' as an Insurance Adjuster after hurricanes Harvey and Irma and has been working in Texas and then Florida ever since. This is something he became certified in during our time of transitioning back from Hawaii, but had yet to find an opportunity to utilize.
The boys and I spent three weeks on our own in Colorado; my first 'solo-parenting' experience. And Derek began learning a complex computer program, drove a truck and camper trailer half way across the country and jumped right into a brand new line of work on very little sleep. We have all been pushed way out of our comfort zones! But God is faithful to go before us every step of the way.

Mid-September the boys and I were able to join Derek in Florida. In the days leading up to our departure, I felt the pain flaring up in my feet and ankles. The night before our flight, I was having a hard time walking from one room to the next. I finished packing and collapsed in bed, tears running down my face, fully aware that I was in no shape to take on the airport with bags, car seats and two little men in tow. I know God's ways are drastically bigger and better than mine. So, I prayed for the strength to gracefully accept if it was truly not His will for us to travel the next day. And otherwise, for healing and relief in my body!
When morning came, I could walk with minimal pain. So we flew to Florida! The flight went smoothly and the boys were exceptional, but travel still took a definite toll. I didn't bounce back as quickly as I would have liked. Thankfully, I didn't have to hobble far to find sand for the boys to dig in and that's where we spend the majority of our days.

Upon arrival in Florida, there were several things we needed to rapidly adjust to; 'camper life', humidity, and working around Derek's new schedule. On the days when he is out inspecting, the boys and I need to come up with things to do around the campsite or within walking distance. On the days when our camper becomes his office for writing up claims previously inspected, the boys and I need to find ways to stay out and about. Derek's hours are long which means our hours are long. But we have each come a long way in a short period of time, learning as we go, embracing unknowns and finding a new 'normal' for this season. Also, the adventures we're having are excellent!

My eye had been bothering me for about a week before our trip and allergy medicine wasn't bringing relief. I was anticipating the goo of pink eye to arrive during our first week here. But when I was still goo free and the stinging, redness and sensitivity kept increasing, my Mom suggested I get checked for 'Iritis'. A visit to the ER and then an ophthalmologist confirmed that I do, indeed, have this inflammation of the middle layer of my eye, commonly related to arthritis.
The addition of yet another symptom was overwhelming. I drove 'home' from my appointment feeling a deep weariness. I expressed my frustrations in prayer and asked God how much longer this chapter was going to be. I am so tired of not feeling like myself; weary of living with daily pain and being overwhelmed by my normal roles and tasks.
The answer came mid-plea, 'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' This is how God 'talks' with me; a thought in my head that I can not take credit for because I was a mile away from that train of thought. I went in search of the rest of the words and found them in Matthew, 'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.' Matthew 11:28-30

Rest for a weary soul, a burden that is light; all I was longing for wrapped up in this instruction to be literally yoked to the only One I can learn this way of living from. But there is a necessary surrender in the coming, in admitting that I am, indeed, weary. It goes against human nature to be weak, to lack in any way.
In a self-sufficient society, one does not just confess a desperate need for rescuing. And yet, our awareness of inadequacy seems to be exactly what is needed before a Strength greater than ours can begin working within. We are not offered a pass on all of life's hardships, but we are invited into a relationship with Jesus that will sustain and guide us through the inevitable difficulties.

Paul wrote of how God answered him when battling weakness of his own, 'But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.' 2 Corinthians 12:9-11
So if we are boasting about weaknesses, here's a few: I can't do any of this on my own! I continually fall short. I am tired and I hurt and when I tell the boys for the hundredth time 'This is an adventure!', it's really a pep-talk for myself. I get frustrated and I question the storyline and I eat more than my fair share of chocolate.

And in this place of obvious brokenness, God's grace is startlingly obvious. I think that's the whole point. Although, I wish it didn't take these massive unknowns and frustrating health struggles to remind me of the reality I should always be living from; a daily place of surrendering to Him. I'm painfully aware of my insufficiency on these days that feel scattered, with a body that aches. But how soon will I forget once we return to normal and my health improves? When I feel like I'm once again 'nailing it!' will I be as eager to dig into my Bible in search of hope? Will prayer be my first response when the day's hardships are no longer threatening to knock me over?
C.S. Lewis said, 'Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had yet been done.' And I didn't especially like those words the first time I read them, but they are true. The first steps of each day are a painful reminder of my physical inadequacy, but what if I was as quick to realize this on a spiritual level? What if I was as consistent in my pursuit of Him and the rest He gives as I was with my search for relief in my joints?

This chapter of life may not be my favorite. But He is using it for good and teaching me lessons in dependency on a very daily basis. What if, out of my whole story, this is the chapter that best points people to Him?! What if my story could actually be about something bigger than me, and the chapters that are not a whole lot of fun to live through are, in fact, the ones that matter most? This song was playing on the radio today and, needless to say, pretty much emptied my tear ducts.

If I told you my story

You would hear Hope that wouldn't let go

And if I told you my story

You would hear Love that never gave up

And if I told you my story

You would hear Life, but it wasn't mine

If I should speak then let it be

Of the grace that is greater than all my sin

Of when justice was served and where mercy wins

Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in

Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him

-Big Daddy Weave 

My eye is improving. The redness and stinging is gone, hallelujah! The blurriness and sensitivity remain in my right eye, but neither is as extreme as at the start. This chapter continues, and I dig deeper into the rest that Jesus gives. May we live with greater awareness of our inadequacy, that the grace of God could flow freely into each page of our stories. May His strength enable us to face the challenges that are inevitable. And may our stories point to Him; each word, each page, each chapter.. even the hard ones, especially the hard ones.