In-Between

Never before had I been brought to tears by a pair of shoes. I'm just not that type of girl. But when my tennis shoes slid on without a hint of complication, it was tear worthy. These are the same New Balance running shoes I've repeatedly tried to coax swollen feet into over the past nine months without a hint of success.
For those of you thinking, 'huh?', let me back up. I was diagnosed with Reactive Arthritis last year and it took quite the toll on my body, including extremely swollen and achy joints in my feet and ankles. But I am healing, slowly and surely, and the gift of each activity I'm able to do, after months of not, has me alternating between shouts of joy and grateful tears!
Shoes that fit were the first miracle of the day. The second was a one mile jog around our new neighborhood! 'Just' a mile, after months of wondering if I would ever even WALK without pain, felt like a victory lap. So I did it again a few days later. And again the day after that! Each time with a goofy smile slapped on my face the ENTIRE time; each step feeling like a genuine miracle.

My Rheumatologist called in December with very encouraging news from the most recent lab results. My inflammation markers have greatly improved. For those of you who like stats: my sedimentation rate, which should be below 20, was at 33 when I was first diagnosed and is now at a 3! My C-Reactive Protein, which should be less than 10, was a 72 in September and is now a 22. So, not completely normal but the change is dramatic. Did I mention my alternating between happy dances and joyful tears?!
After the third run, my body began to protest and my wise husband gently reminded me that I need to ease back into activities once banned. He also recommended something a little less jarring than jogging and has been making time to watch the boys while I take the paddle board out on the lake we currently live next to. Paddling doesn't work up the sweat I'm longing for, but it is incredibly therapeutic; I'll take it!
So, I am healing! But I'm also not completely healed. I'm in-between, a place that seems to be a recurring theme throughout many areas of my life. And it has me feeling pensive. How do you live fully in the in-between; how do I refuse to hang on to where I once was, without jumping ahead to where I have not yet fully arrived?

 

In Bible study a few weeks ago, I was reminded of a favorite Old Testament treasure. In Deuteronomy 7 Moses is reminding the Israelites of all God has done for them and encouraging them in all He has yet to do! But in verse 22 is where we find the 'nugget', a tiny verse that makes all the difference. "And the LORD your God will drive out those nations before you little by little; you will be unable to destroy them all at once, lest the beasts of the field become too numerous for you." 
Obviously, the Israelites know a thing or two (or 40 years!) about the dreaded in-between places. But these words speak volumes about God's timing and a purpose behind the waiting. Of course they would've preferred to wipe out all the competition in one fell swoop and march into their promised land, but God saw ALL the details. He knew that if His people were suddenly sole occupants of the land, wild animals would devour them! I'm sure that would have just been the beginning of all the issues they would've faced; moral of the story, the people weren't ready. They NEEDED the in-between, as painful and tedious and confusing as it may have been.

It's a balancing act. That's the conclusion I've come to. I will not drag this sickness around with me, using it as an excuse on the days I don't want to get out of bed. But I will also take the time to listen to my joints and be aware of my need to ease into each new level of activity. I won't pretend to be completely well when I am not. 'In-betweens' are for a reason. And I think this spills over into every layer of life. Waiting is difficult, but moving forward can be it's very own version of hard. Maybe we all need the reminder that we are where we are RIGHT NOW for a reason. It's vital that we don't cling to our sickness but it's just as important that we don't rush the healing. 
I tend to overuse words so I was extremely grateful to have stumbled upon Alli Worthington's perfect summary of my motto for 2018. 'Show up. Be real. Love others. Don't quit.' I've found myself quoting her countless times in the past month; a mantra of sorts. 'Show up. Be real. Love others. Don't quit. Show up. Be real. Love others. Don't quit...' 
We have a ridiculous amount of variables in our life right now (don't worry- I'll save it for another blog post!) and I can't always wrap my mind around a 'big picture'. But I trust the One who can see my entire timeline at once; every detail, and will absolutely keep me in-between if it means sparing me from beasts waiting to overtake me.
So when the sun rises on a brand new day and I find myself still in-between, I will focus on what I CAN do. I will show up to the day, to my life, to the opportunities awaiting me. I will choose, day after day, to be the real me, no matter how bad I may want to fake something else. I will love my people fiercely and look for ways to love those God crosses my path with. And, last but not least, regardless of the ways my story unfolds, I will not ever quit.