Memory Lane

'Honestly, if you had told me a year ago that we would be living in Virginia this year- I would have laughed out loud.' I said this to my husband last weekend as we marveled over the fact that he is now hard at work as an insurance adjuster on the east coast and we spend our free time splashing in the Potomac River. Who would've thought?
Beyond the fact that we'd never imagined ourselves on this coast, there's the sobering reality that last year at this time I didn't even know if/how I would celebrate my 27th birthday! We had yet to discover the reason behind my rapidly declining health and mobility; scary, life-altering possibilities were still being debated over and tested for.

Wrapping up 'birthday week' over here; I was able to uphold my tradition of celebrating much longer than necessary! And even before the festivities began, I had already received one of the greatest gifts this side of Heaven. This summer I have been able to RUN after my boys, scoop them up in my arms and tickle their little ribs! I am healthy!
Last year at this time, I was using our kitchen stool as a walker. Some days every-single-step felt like an absolute impossibility. I remember standing in the shower, my entire body wracked with sobs, not knowing if my tears were brought on by pain or by the terrifying amount of unknowns pressing down on my little family.
I haven't gone down memory lane in a while and it brings me to tears to venture there now. But as I do, it is humbling to remember what that part of my journey was like. Because of memory lane, I am flooded with gratitude as I recognize the gift of TODAY and the health I am operating out of in this moment. 'O LORD my God, you have performed many wonders for us. Your plans for us are too numerous to list. You have no equal. If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds, I would never come to the end of them.' Psalm 40:5

Derek and I wandered farther down memory lane. We were astonished not only by the crazy turns our life has taken but by the ridiculous, astonishing grace and faithfulness of our Heavenly Father throughout each chapter.
I just turned 27 which means 10 years ago right now I was a 17 year old simply wanting to live my best summer yet. I had no idea that Derek Pearl was about to move back to our tiny mountain town and right into my heart. If you had told me that a year later I would be packing my bags for a Bible school in Australia WITH said heart stealer, Derek Pearl, I would definitely have laughed! Our time living in another country, digging deep into the teachings of Jesus and all the experiences that came with it, were foundational in so many ways. If you had mentioned how, the year after that, I'd be planning our wedding, well, I might actually have passed out.
If someone had told us, one year into marriage, that we would soon be turning our back on the 'American Dream', purchasing one way tickets to Hawaii and taking up residence in an abandoned orchid greenhouse, we would have guffawed! (I love that word!) We spent our second and third years of marriage running a coffee farm, living completely by faith, starting a landscaping business, and experiencing life in ways some people never will. These were years of extremely hard work and very little income and yet the memories remain some of our absolute favorites.
If you had told us, elbows deep in the coffee cherries from our second harvest and preparing for the birth of our first son, that doors of ridiculous housing opportunity would begin opening, I would have cried tears of joy.  We spent our last two years of 'island life' in various care-taking positions and I'm actually sure I did cry happy tears a few times as we moved from one incredible home to the next. God orchestrated every single detail of the way! This chapter of our life was an absolute impossibility apart from the One who takes pleasure in accomplishing His purposes through unbelievable methods.

When we moved back to Colorado from Hawaii in 2015, we had no idea we would start our own business, purchase land, begin construction on our first home, and experience a deeper, truer growth in our faith than ever before. There is no anticipating these things! We brought our second son home to the tiny, mountain town where we both grew up. We cheered our toddler on as he ran the same bases Derek used to play T-ball on! And my battle with Reactive Arthritis would have looked drastically different without the invaluable help of family and friends, as well as connections to doctors and health insurance that we wouldn't have otherwise had. While it may not always seem like it in the moment, God's timing truly is perfect, and I've got a memory lane rich with proof.

Now, here we are in Virginia! We don't know what all will come of this time but I have no doubt we will look back on 2018 in years to come and say things like, 'If you had told us THEN that we would be doing THIS now, we would have laughed!' or 'Wow, look how God orchestrated every single detail of that time in our life!' (I've already said that a few times and we're only half way through the year!)
The point is that we should never underestimate what God is up to. Every season of my life has had incredible challenges intertwined with unbelievable beauty and I believe it ALL has eternal significance. I pray that Derek and I will teach our boys by example, looking back on our lives, seeing evidence of God in every day and giving thanks for all He has brought us to and through. Psalm 145:4 'One generation shall commend your works to another, and shall declare your mighty acts.'

I recently read 'Hinds' Feet On High Places', an incredible allegorical novel by Hannah Hurnard. This book helped to open my eyes to massive amounts of 'behind the scenes' work going on at all times in each of our lives. God equips us with strength, joy, and peace for the journey. But His purposes also intermingle with sorrow, pain, and hardship in ways we may never comprehend, and this is of the utmost significance.
At one point, the young woman in the story, Much-Afraid, comes across a single golden flower growing in spite of it's seemingly impossible location in the desert. This flower's name is Acceptance-with-Joy and that idea of perseverance, and complete trust in the Shepherd even when life takes unexpected turns, is what I long for my life to reflect. I am also journeying to the High Places, following the Shepherd, and doing battle with Fear and Pride. The chapters of my story have had countless ups and downs, but the fact remains, they are all PART of the story and orchestrated by an all-knowing Father who loves me fiercely. May I accept each part of the journey with JOY, refusing to let any desert sands keep me from blossoming into who Jesus is making me into.

Jesus is at work in us at this very moment in preparation for all that is to come. He has been at work in us all along and the same is true of your lives. Like Paul said, '..being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.' Philippians 1:6 May we refuse to underestimate where we are now, because it is part of the journey. And may we intentionally reflect on how far we have come, that we might give glory to the God who orchestrates it all, brings beauty from pain, and grows flowers in the middle of the desert!

In the middle of the night, 

I look up to the sky 

I can hear You

Singing over me

Through the fire and the flood

I know that I am loved

I can hear You

Singing over me

-Urban Rescue

Tending To Our Roots

The night before our most recent move, Owen chose the Bible story and we ended up in Ecclesiastes, discussing why there is, indeed, a 'time for everything'. Right there in the midst of our haggard packing boxes (which have since been thrown away, may they rest in peace) I found myself getting emotional over the words, 'a time to plant and a time to uproot,' (3:2)
We've been uprooting for years and, while a big part of me loves the adventure, I also grow weary of the transitioning. I long for deeper friendships and a community to truly plug into. This verse was a gentle reminder that there is and will be a time for both; there will be seasons in my life for planting deep roots (and that it's already happening in ways that have very little to do with a physical address).
I just finished Whisper, an excellent book by Mark Batterson, and he spoke about this truth as well, 'Simply put, you need to know what season you're in. If you don't, you'll get frustrated trying to harvest when it's time to plant or trying to plant when it's time to let the land lie fallow.' 

So here we are, settled in our newest home, investing serious thought and prayer into the discerning of what season we are in. We currently live in eastern Virginia, where Derek is hard at work as an Insurance Adjuster. We are incredibly thankful for the ways God is faithfully providing. And we know that this season has the potential to alter the course of our story, as each season truly does, depending on how we steward our time here and the opportunities before us.
While I may not be a plant expert, I do know that regardless of whether you are planting or uprooting a tree, it still needs specific, life-giving things. After a quick Google search and talking with my husband, the only one around here with a green thumb, I can tell you that the roots of a transported tree must be wrapped in burlap and moved with great care. The tree needs to be kept in a cool, shady spot and the roots must be soaked in water before transplanting. Damaged roots must be removed and there are fairly specific requirements for the hole you eventually plant in. Moral of the story: even during seasons of uprooting, we must still nurture and tend to our lives, our marriage, our family and our soul- gypsy as it may be.

We must surround ourselves with, and be intentional about, that which gives life- whether we've been in the same city for twenty years or have an ongoing bet for how many months we'll stay in this new location. You may be waiting for the new job to start, or you may be up to your eyeballs in current assignments (or dishes, or laundry, or lesson plans or whatever it is that you do!) Regardless of who we are, I am learning the absolute necessity of staying consistent with a few, simple things that breathe LIFE back into us on a very regular basis. My Dad reminds me that they make you put your own oxygen mask on before assisting anyone else on a turbulent plane ride. If we are not directly connected to that which gives life, we are no help to anyone else around us.
             'The Spirit of God has made me; the breath of the Almighty gives me life.' Job 33:4 
I realize that we will each have unique lists of what makes us come alive. But I do believe that at the heart of every life-giving moment or activity is the One who truly breathes life INTO us. Nothing apart from the Life-Giver can actually give life. But if 'every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights..' (James 1:17) then we can be confident that He is in the details and His goodness is evident in the simplest of moments, the most epic of thrills, and the sweetest of butterfly kisses.

     All things came into being through Him, and apart from Him nothing came into being that has come into being. In Him was life, and the life was the Light of men. (John 1:3-4)

Our lives are refreshed by worshipping the Creator of life; recognizing and giving thanks for His faithfulness and mercy in every situation. But what does that actually look like in our day-to-day? I'm trying to become increasingly aware of what gives me life and then allowing space for it because that is how I tend to my roots. Also, we teach by example and I have two little men watching my every move. I pray that my boys remember a Mama who was intentional about the few things that truly matter in this life.
Here's a few of my daily doses of life-giving 'stuff':
Sitting down and drinking my coffee out of a favorite mug, not in a rush to get the caffeine pumping through my tired body, but a slow sipping while the day wakes up and I prepare to meet it.
Putting the Word of God into my mind- even just a chapter- before I let the world, my to-do lists, or social media have any say.
Stretching.
Being aware of the ways God has answered or is answering prayer; there is no such thing as coincidence.
Fresh flowers on the table.
Music.
Being kind to complete strangers in the grocery store.
Laughter and silliness!
Paddle boarding on the river; long, smooth strokes through glassy liquid (or riding the wake from passing boats as the boys pretend we're on the ocean!)
Tending to my roots comes in countless forms. It's taking the time to hold my sleepy two year old against my chest, nose buried in the sweet smell of his hair. It's running through the grass after my four year old, who is surprisingly FAST and hard to catch! Sitting next to my husband and simply enjoying each other's presence gives me life. But all of these are choices and only happen when I slow down long enough to be present and recognize that moment or person for the gift they truly are.

I understand that there is work to be done and for many of you it happens outside of the home. We can't all just splash in the waves and build blanket forts with our kids each day. (And stay-at-home parents, I hear you, people thinking that is all we do in a day have-no-idea what goes into taking care of a home and keeping tiny humans alive!) I'm not saying the work doesn't matter; it's absolutely vital and we are instructed, 'Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord..' (Colossians 3:23)

Work is a gift from God; allowing work to take over every millisecond of our time and focus is not. At the very beginning, the Creator did exquisite work for six days and then He rested!! Not because He needed it, but to show us how it's done! (Genesis 2:2-3) There has to be balance, for our sake and the sake of those around us. Roots need water whether they are below or above ground and each of us need daily doses of the life-giving stuff, regardless of our current season or circumstances! I promise that making time for a few life-giving practices will be 100% worth it and quite possibly even enable us to do our work that much better!

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. (Colossians 2:6-7) 

Our lack of 'roots' in becoming established with a community and growing deeper friendships has left me feeling especially vulnerable or lonely many times throughout the past few years. But on a much deeper level, I AM rooted. And these roots which connect to the Source of Life, continue to hold me steady when everything else is transitory. These roots make all the difference.

It's a long walk up to the dirt road where our mailbox is and I love making that trek in the last exhale of day, as night wraps everything up in cool and calm. I breathe deeply, in and out, thinking 'I should do more of this!' I savor the feeling of what I'm realizing is a form of worship! It's something I know to be life-giving and it inspires the desire to squeeze every last drop of potential from my day!
After my walk the other night, Derek and I got the boys out of bed to see the lightning bugs twinkling across the field. We chased after them with our glass jars, giggling and exclaiming over the bugs' awesomeness, and my not-so-ninja attempts at catching them! Summer time is pure delight and the God who makes these summer nights, longs to be delighted in. So, the question is why we actually need to be reminded to make time for all this. Why are we forgetting (or choosing not to make time for) our Creator and ourselves and our people; for snuggling and laughing, worshipping and stretching, sipping coffee and smiling at the cashier?!

We must realize that when it comes to anything life-giving, the Enemy will do his absolute best to distract and pull away and tell us we don't have the time. Satan comes to kill, steal and destroy (John 10:10) and that certainly unfolds in horrific, dramatic ways throughout history. But I think it also happens a thousand times each day, in the little ways, as we allow him to kill joy, steal moments and destroy peace.
It's surprising how much time I actually allot to that which doesn't give me life! To-do lists or people's opinions of me or excess amounts of social media; things that are not necessarily bad but can certainly distract from the real reasons I'm on this planet. I'm starting to think of these things as the dead roots that need to be trimmed in order to keep the tree healthy. We can give so much of ourselves to running to and fro, filling every space on the calendar, and keeping up appearances that we miss opportunities to hear from God, fuel our tanks, and love our people well.
It's Jesus that warns us of Satan and his deceiving, distracting ways. His very next words are the reminder of Who we run to for hope in this fallen world, 'I have come that they may have life, and have it more abundantly.' (John 10:10) May we press into the Life-Giver, recognizing the countless ways He is at work in and around us each day, and intentionally tend to our roots.

Snow Day Perspective.

As I sit here watching these big, beautiful snow flakes float down I have to google the definition of perspective because I know mine has shifted. 'A particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view.' It would have to do with attitude, wouldn't it?! But I knew it deep inside; this choice to change an attitude or 'point of view' can just about transform any circumstance.
Perspective is a key able to unlock doors of thanksgiving, joy, or peace that would otherwise remain locked up tight as we tread through the hard places. It's a lens through which we can choose to view the goings-on around us.
As much as it is a choice and an attitude, I believe perspective is also largely influenced by our experiences and beliefs. Last year at this time I would not have appreciated yet ANOTHER spring dumping of the white stuff. We had cabin fever to the 10th degree, paired with sickness that lingered throughout the entire winter and I was completely overwhelmed. But if I hadn't experienced that, would I be able to appreciate today?

Today my kids woke up with giggles of delight and were outside throwing snowballs before we'd even had breakfast. We built a snow man and followed tracks around the back yard and now we'll sip hot chocolate with extra marshmallows while our toes thaw out. It's magic. It's magic because we've only had a few snows this year. It's magic because we're not sick and we can go out and enjoy it. It's magic because of the things we've been through, because we know that it won't last forever and, with those things in mind, it's magic because we're choosing to make it magic.
Now, snow may be a trivial example. Some people just hate cold and there is no conjuring of magic no matter how hard you try. Some of you may actually love cold weather and I don't even know what to say about you :) So let's take another, less fluffy and cold, example.
I have a thankfulness journal that I jot things down in throughout my days. There are occasional prompts and a few days ago it was: 'A circumstance or season of life that has changed you for the better'. I immediately thought of last year; the hard, the transitioning, the sickness, the arthritis, the unknowns. It was a year I'd never choose to repeat. It was also a year that revealed much to me about the character of God and the potential He has placed within me to 'run my race'. It shaped me in ways that only hardship can, bringing with it an incredible new depth in my relationships and perspective.

Because of my experiences last year (and throughout my life) and because of my belief in the God who gives strength to the weary and is able to bless us abundantly, I now possess a key! My perspective 'key' can unlock joy when I'm stuck in a bad mood, can unlock peace in the midst of staggering unknowns, and can unlock thankfulness for the moment in front of me, whether or not it's one I had anticipated. I emphasize can because it is still a choice. There are certainly days I stubbornly refuse to use my key and we all suffer because of it. Major work in progress over here.
'Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.' Philippians 3:13-14
When I was having a difficult time even walking last summer and couldn't pick up my boys or chew anything hard or crunchy, a friend asked me why God would let me go through all that. I'm no theologian, I did NOT have a perfect answer. But I simply told her what I believed with all my heart, that I trusted God was seeing beyond my pain to something much more. I told her of my new-found realization that, in this season, God could truly do more in me through my sickness than He could through my health.

I must point out that this is not the same as allowing your hard to overcome you, this is not permission to stop fighting your battle. I'm still fighting mine and I will not stop. But once we come to terms with the fact that God is at work in the midst of it and the things that are to come are better than we can ever imagine, the challenges we face will start to look different. They become a training course, one we would've never signed up for on our own, yet one that will be invaluable in preparation for what is to come.
I don't know what your 'hard' is right now. It could be this snow day! It could be something so terribly difficult that even speaking of it takes your breath away. Maybe I have no idea. Maybe it's not my place to ramble on about simply 'changing perspective'. But I do believe in a sovereign God. Nothing touches my life that He doesn't first see. That can be unbelievably hard to wrap our minds around in the midst of heart break or pain. This is where trust and faith MUST enter the scene or it can be a very dismal one, indeed. But it means that He not only sees the 'hard' coming our way but He sees beyond it and only allows what can be used for His glory and 'the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.' (Romans 8:28)

I can promise you I do not have this all figured out and I'll be the first to confess how often I get frustrated or say things I shouldn't. I certainly don't always 'cherish the moments'. So I'll give you one last example of the power of perspective, but this one I'm right smack dab in the middle of. There is yet to be a nice, packaged ending with a bow on top; this is real life, my friends.
I am staring down my 15th move in 7.5 years of marriage. FIFTEEN! These packing boxes that I'm dragging out of the shed are looking like they may need an early retirement. Some days I'm giddy-excited about it (that's my gypsy side) but other days it has me blinking back tears because I'm so completely weary of our transitioning. But with fourteen moves behind me, this should definitely be an area that I have developed some perspective in.
Here's what I know, because I've done it before. I am capable of boxing up an entire house while entertaining a 4 and 2 year old, then unpacking it all on the other side. I know God works through these 'stepping stone' places where we only get to spend a few months. And I believe that someday I will hang pictures on a wall and leave them there long enough to get dusty.

Shauna Niequist writes in her book 'Bittersweet', 'I have learned the hard way that change is one of God's greatest gifts and one of his most useful tools.... I have learned that in many cases change is not a function of life's cruelty but, instead, a function of God's graciousness.' So, in that case, and with a lifetime of perspective to back this statement, I say with confidence: 'Bring it on!' My boxes have a little life left in them. And just think of all the adventure that is to come..

In-Between

Never before had I been brought to tears by a pair of shoes. I'm just not that type of girl. But when my tennis shoes slid on without a hint of complication, it was tear worthy. These are the same New Balance running shoes I've repeatedly tried to coax swollen feet into over the past nine months without a hint of success.
For those of you thinking, 'huh?', let me back up. I was diagnosed with Reactive Arthritis last year and it took quite the toll on my body, including extremely swollen and achy joints in my feet and ankles. But I am healing, slowly and surely, and the gift of each activity I'm able to do, after months of not, has me alternating between shouts of joy and grateful tears!
Shoes that fit were the first miracle of the day. The second was a one mile jog around our new neighborhood! 'Just' a mile, after months of wondering if I would ever even WALK without pain, felt like a victory lap. So I did it again a few days later. And again the day after that! Each time with a goofy smile slapped on my face the ENTIRE time; each step feeling like a genuine miracle.

My Rheumatologist called in December with very encouraging news from the most recent lab results. My inflammation markers have greatly improved. For those of you who like stats: my sedimentation rate, which should be below 20, was at 33 when I was first diagnosed and is now at a 3! My C-Reactive Protein, which should be less than 10, was a 72 in September and is now a 22. So, not completely normal but the change is dramatic. Did I mention my alternating between happy dances and joyful tears?!
After the third run, my body began to protest and my wise husband gently reminded me that I need to ease back into activities once banned. He also recommended something a little less jarring than jogging and has been making time to watch the boys while I take the paddle board out on the lake we currently live next to. Paddling doesn't work up the sweat I'm longing for, but it is incredibly therapeutic; I'll take it!
So, I am healing! But I'm also not completely healed. I'm in-between, a place that seems to be a recurring theme throughout many areas of my life. And it has me feeling pensive. How do you live fully in the in-between; how do I refuse to hang on to where I once was, without jumping ahead to where I have not yet fully arrived?

 

In Bible study a few weeks ago, I was reminded of a favorite Old Testament treasure. In Deuteronomy 7 Moses is reminding the Israelites of all God has done for them and encouraging them in all He has yet to do! But in verse 22 is where we find the 'nugget', a tiny verse that makes all the difference. "And the LORD your God will drive out those nations before you little by little; you will be unable to destroy them all at once, lest the beasts of the field become too numerous for you." 
Obviously, the Israelites know a thing or two (or 40 years!) about the dreaded in-between places. But these words speak volumes about God's timing and a purpose behind the waiting. Of course they would've preferred to wipe out all the competition in one fell swoop and march into their promised land, but God saw ALL the details. He knew that if His people were suddenly sole occupants of the land, wild animals would devour them! I'm sure that would have just been the beginning of all the issues they would've faced; moral of the story, the people weren't ready. They NEEDED the in-between, as painful and tedious and confusing as it may have been.

It's a balancing act. That's the conclusion I've come to. I will not drag this sickness around with me, using it as an excuse on the days I don't want to get out of bed. But I will also take the time to listen to my joints and be aware of my need to ease into each new level of activity. I won't pretend to be completely well when I am not. 'In-betweens' are for a reason. And I think this spills over into every layer of life. Waiting is difficult, but moving forward can be it's very own version of hard. Maybe we all need the reminder that we are where we are RIGHT NOW for a reason. It's vital that we don't cling to our sickness but it's just as important that we don't rush the healing. 
I tend to overuse words so I was extremely grateful to have stumbled upon Alli Worthington's perfect summary of my motto for 2018. 'Show up. Be real. Love others. Don't quit.' I've found myself quoting her countless times in the past month; a mantra of sorts. 'Show up. Be real. Love others. Don't quit. Show up. Be real. Love others. Don't quit...' 
We have a ridiculous amount of variables in our life right now (don't worry- I'll save it for another blog post!) and I can't always wrap my mind around a 'big picture'. But I trust the One who can see my entire timeline at once; every detail, and will absolutely keep me in-between if it means sparing me from beasts waiting to overtake me.
So when the sun rises on a brand new day and I find myself still in-between, I will focus on what I CAN do. I will show up to the day, to my life, to the opportunities awaiting me. I will choose, day after day, to be the real me, no matter how bad I may want to fake something else. I will love my people fiercely and look for ways to love those God crosses my path with. And, last but not least, regardless of the ways my story unfolds, I will not ever quit.

The Hard To Swallow Daily Bread

We've been back from our adventures on the East coast for eight weeks. We've been crunching fall leaves, celebrating a second birthday for Danny Boy and preparing for Christmas! Derek is making incredible progress on our house and enjoying most of the process. My vision in the right eye is back to about 95% and I have a brand new appreciation for the wonder of sight! The boys have been fighting the inevitable 'change of season colds', which means we've been a little reclusive. 

The time has been simple and allowed for the soul-searching I love to do in anticipation of a new year. It's also made me wonder what the next chapter will hold and where it may take our family, which is why this quote caught my attention, 'Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.' Terry Pratchett 

This may seem rather obvious, but the truth washed over my mind in a fresh way. I struggle with the returning. And it's certainly complicated because there is an undeniable magic wrapped up in 'coming home'. I delight in familiar sights and smells; streets rich with my growing up memories and time spent on the Pearl's porch swings. I crave structure and normalcy and a routine that keeps my head on track. But at the exact same time, I struggle with any form of returning from the 'not normal'. How incredibly complicated that my need to wander is embedded in my DNA right alongside my need for roots. Poor Derek!  

If we're being completely honest, which is the point of this blog, I've been mentally battling my mixed emotions for two years over being back in the sweet, tiny, mountain town where I grew up. Apparently, God and I defined 'transition place' a bit differently and as months turned into years I realized the lesson I was supposed to be learning was contentment regardless of circumstance; peace in the midst of messy unknowns. And I have wrestled with this on so many levels. Then Reactive Arthritis was added to the mix and I've been the walking limping definition of a 'hot mess' on more than one occasion lately!

Two weeks ago I had my follow up with the Rheumatologist. This was the appointment I was supposed to be cancelling when all my symptoms disappeared at the six-month mark; the one we scheduled 'just in case'. Needless to say, realizing I needed to keep the appointment was cause of a little anxiety; I was hopeful for answers but dreading a labeling of 'chronic' upon my not-quite-back-to-normal joints.
Instead of labeling and handing me a fat stack of prescriptions, grace was extended at this appointment. Not that a simple description should make one ounce of difference. But it's certainly unnerving to have your name nonchalantly stuffed into the same sentence as 'chronic' and 'arthritis' and I was deeply relieved when he didn't go there. I am still dealing with occasionally stiff and achy joints as well as minor swelling in my feet. But the doctor saw significant improvement and believes I just need a few more months to completely heal. The journey continues!

Not many days after the 'coming back' quote had me reassessing my issue with small town life, I stumbled upon the words Jesus used to teach his disciples to pray. "Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven." We know these familiar verses from Matthew 6. But the next sentence says, 'Give us today our daily bread..' and that's where my voice caught in my throat because I realized this is exactly what Jesus has so faithfully done throughout my entire life. He meets me where I'm at today; walking faithfully alongside me, He is the daily bread.
I desperately long for a glimpse at some kind of five-year plan, but he says 'Here's today, Daughter. This is enough for you to deal with!' He also reminds me of truth that I'd really rather not hear, 'You're in this town, this season of life, this battle for health, this struggle to find friendship FOR A REASON. I have you here for such a time as this, and it won't last forever, so don't miss what I'm doing.' Yikes. Daily bread is sometimes hard to swallow!

The Israelites were given both meat and bread from heaven on a daily basis and Exodus 16:18 says 'Everyone had gathered just as much as they needed.' If they collected extra, as I know I would be tempted to do, they awoke the next day to find it rotting in the baskets. All they could do was eat what was given, their daily bread, trusting there would be more the next morning. This could be stressful for those of us with a Costco shopping/pantry stocking mindset but, honestly, what a relief! And I am offered the same 'meal plan', just exactly what I can handle for this day in front of me and the strength to walk through it. Nothing more, nothing less; He holds it all so that I don't have to. (Not that I could, but I have certainly given it my best shot- rotting baskets of manna and all.) 

Wherever I may wander on this incredible globe, the coming back will always be a vital part of the journey. There will be literal returns, to familiar and family, and then there is the spiritual returning and centering in Jesus, the gathering of my daily bread. Not only are these returns a gift to be cherished, but they are exactly what will continue to enable us for the going out.

We are embarking on a new adventure in 2018! Derek was offered a position doing more of the insurance adjusting work that took us to Florida, and this time we are headed to Virginia! We are incredibly excited to explore yet another part of the country and look forward to all that God has in store. As I pack boxes I am filled with the knowledge that whenever we may return to the familiar of Colorado, it will be that much sweeter because of our time away.
While it can be difficult or frustrating to come back to where you started, it matters and can be such a beautiful part of the journey. Now, I'm not saying you should live in your parents basement forever! And the Bible specifically instructs us to move from 'milk to solid food' as we develop spiritually (Hebrews 5:12). We are created to grow up, dig deep, and spread wings! But that doesn't mean there won't be seasons of returning to the familiar and I pray that you won't miss what God has for you in the 'coming back'. I'm afraid I may have looked right past several 'little' opportunities here as I searched for the next 'big' step.

As for that contentment lesson I'm sure I'll be learning and re-learning for years to come, Paul actually lets us in on a game changing secret in Philippians 4:12-13, 'I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.' 
God gave the manna a daily expiration date FOR A REASON. Knowing our tendency to think we can do it on our own, this is His reminder that we will never out grow our need for this daily 'coming back' to be filled and equipped by Him. The Holy Spirit is ready and waiting to fill us with a strength that is the key to this seemingly elusive ability to be content regardless of circumstances. May we surrender our need to gather all the manna and learn to live in the knowledge that He holds everything together perfectly.

The Hard Chapters...

Life happens in seasons and for that I am grateful. Literal seasons that bring crunchy leaves and air that feels crisp, but also seasons of life which come and go, days flowing together like chapters in a book. Some of my 'chapters' are a faster read than others, some I love to return to over and over, with pages worn thin. Then there are ones which don't unfold exactly as anticipated. This particular season is certainly not one I would have written into my story, had I been the author. A significant plot twist, in my opinion! So, while I am extremely thankful this is NOT my whole story and the chapter will end, I do believe this to be one with significant potential for affecting the rest of my story. And so we read on...

Since my last blog post I've been to the University of Colorado's Rheumatology department. Many of you were praying over that appointment. Thank you! The doctor was exactly what we hoped for; wise and kind, willing to take as much time as needed to listen to my story and speak in terms I could understand. He was very confident in diagnosing me with 'Reactive Arthritis', triggered by a food-borne illness I had at the beginning of May. This type of arthritis usually runs its course within six months, which renewed our hope for a full and timely recovery in the near future. In the days that followed my appointment I felt relief both mentally and physically. Hope is a very powerful force.
During this time Derek was 'deployed' as an Insurance Adjuster after hurricanes Harvey and Irma and has been working in Texas and then Florida ever since. This is something he became certified in during our time of transitioning back from Hawaii, but had yet to find an opportunity to utilize.
The boys and I spent three weeks on our own in Colorado; my first 'solo-parenting' experience. And Derek began learning a complex computer program, drove a truck and camper trailer half way across the country and jumped right into a brand new line of work on very little sleep. We have all been pushed way out of our comfort zones! But God is faithful to go before us every step of the way.

Mid-September the boys and I were able to join Derek in Florida. In the days leading up to our departure, I felt the pain flaring up in my feet and ankles. The night before our flight, I was having a hard time walking from one room to the next. I finished packing and collapsed in bed, tears running down my face, fully aware that I was in no shape to take on the airport with bags, car seats and two little men in tow. I know God's ways are drastically bigger and better than mine. So, I prayed for the strength to gracefully accept if it was truly not His will for us to travel the next day. And otherwise, for healing and relief in my body!
When morning came, I could walk with minimal pain. So we flew to Florida! The flight went smoothly and the boys were exceptional, but travel still took a definite toll. I didn't bounce back as quickly as I would have liked. Thankfully, I didn't have to hobble far to find sand for the boys to dig in and that's where we spend the majority of our days.

Upon arrival in Florida, there were several things we needed to rapidly adjust to; 'camper life', humidity, and working around Derek's new schedule. On the days when he is out inspecting, the boys and I need to come up with things to do around the campsite or within walking distance. On the days when our camper becomes his office for writing up claims previously inspected, the boys and I need to find ways to stay out and about. Derek's hours are long which means our hours are long. But we have each come a long way in a short period of time, learning as we go, embracing unknowns and finding a new 'normal' for this season. Also, the adventures we're having are excellent!

My eye had been bothering me for about a week before our trip and allergy medicine wasn't bringing relief. I was anticipating the goo of pink eye to arrive during our first week here. But when I was still goo free and the stinging, redness and sensitivity kept increasing, my Mom suggested I get checked for 'Iritis'. A visit to the ER and then an ophthalmologist confirmed that I do, indeed, have this inflammation of the middle layer of my eye, commonly related to arthritis.
The addition of yet another symptom was overwhelming. I drove 'home' from my appointment feeling a deep weariness. I expressed my frustrations in prayer and asked God how much longer this chapter was going to be. I am so tired of not feeling like myself; weary of living with daily pain and being overwhelmed by my normal roles and tasks.
The answer came mid-plea, 'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' This is how God 'talks' with me; a thought in my head that I can not take credit for because I was a mile away from that train of thought. I went in search of the rest of the words and found them in Matthew, 'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.' Matthew 11:28-30

Rest for a weary soul, a burden that is light; all I was longing for wrapped up in this instruction to be literally yoked to the only One I can learn this way of living from. But there is a necessary surrender in the coming, in admitting that I am, indeed, weary. It goes against human nature to be weak, to lack in any way.
In a self-sufficient society, one does not just confess a desperate need for rescuing. And yet, our awareness of inadequacy seems to be exactly what is needed before a Strength greater than ours can begin working within. We are not offered a pass on all of life's hardships, but we are invited into a relationship with Jesus that will sustain and guide us through the inevitable difficulties.

Paul wrote of how God answered him when battling weakness of his own, 'But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.' 2 Corinthians 12:9-11
So if we are boasting about weaknesses, here's a few: I can't do any of this on my own! I continually fall short. I am tired and I hurt and when I tell the boys for the hundredth time 'This is an adventure!', it's really a pep-talk for myself. I get frustrated and I question the storyline and I eat more than my fair share of chocolate.

And in this place of obvious brokenness, God's grace is startlingly obvious. I think that's the whole point. Although, I wish it didn't take these massive unknowns and frustrating health struggles to remind me of the reality I should always be living from; a daily place of surrendering to Him. I'm painfully aware of my insufficiency on these days that feel scattered, with a body that aches. But how soon will I forget once we return to normal and my health improves? When I feel like I'm once again 'nailing it!' will I be as eager to dig into my Bible in search of hope? Will prayer be my first response when the day's hardships are no longer threatening to knock me over?
C.S. Lewis said, 'Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had yet been done.' And I didn't especially like those words the first time I read them, but they are true. The first steps of each day are a painful reminder of my physical inadequacy, but what if I was as quick to realize this on a spiritual level? What if I was as consistent in my pursuit of Him and the rest He gives as I was with my search for relief in my joints?

This chapter of life may not be my favorite. But He is using it for good and teaching me lessons in dependency on a very daily basis. What if, out of my whole story, this is the chapter that best points people to Him?! What if my story could actually be about something bigger than me, and the chapters that are not a whole lot of fun to live through are, in fact, the ones that matter most? This song was playing on the radio today and, needless to say, pretty much emptied my tear ducts.

If I told you my story

You would hear Hope that wouldn't let go

And if I told you my story

You would hear Love that never gave up

And if I told you my story

You would hear Life, but it wasn't mine

If I should speak then let it be

Of the grace that is greater than all my sin

Of when justice was served and where mercy wins

Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in

Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him

-Big Daddy Weave 

My eye is improving. The redness and stinging is gone, hallelujah! The blurriness and sensitivity remain in my right eye, but neither is as extreme as at the start. This chapter continues, and I dig deeper into the rest that Jesus gives. May we live with greater awareness of our inadequacy, that the grace of God could flow freely into each page of our stories. May His strength enable us to face the challenges that are inevitable. And may our stories point to Him; each word, each page, each chapter.. even the hard ones, especially the hard ones.

Not the Summer I had planned...

It's been over four months since I last felt physically 'normal'. Not exactly the summer I had planned; I've been in and out of more doctor's offices than throughout the rest of my life combined. I've been 'diagnosed' five different ways, with the words being said each time in question mark form as I was referred to yet another specialist.

The current label on my unexplained joint pain and swelling is 'Inflammatory Arthritis of the Joints'; not an issue I was especially prepared to do battle with at 26 years old. And yet, with all these big unknowns and pain levels I have never before lived with on a daily basis, I fully trust that God is faithful and good. And while we have yet to find resolution or even certainty as to what I am dealing with, I know the lessons I am learning have great value and should be shared.

'Your strength is found

At the end of my road

Your grace, it reaches to the hurting

Still through the tears and the questioning why

I will stand my ground where hope can be found

I will stand my ground where hope can be found..'

Lauren Daigle: 'O Lord' 

This journey started in May with a tingling in my toes. The pins and needles sensation soon morphed into pain in my feet and then extreme swelling. I visited our local clinic and they sent me to a Podiatrist. At each visit the word 'anomaly' was used as nothing seemed to add up. We ended up in the ER, nervous about a blood clot in my leg. An ultrasound quickly put those fears to rest but we were back the next week when the pain and swelling moved up into my left collar bone and jaw. I was a 9 on the pain scale; shuffling my feet because it was too painful to pick them up as I walked, 'eating' food in smoothie form because my jaw had almost completely locked and chewing food was extremely difficult. The worst part was not being able to pick up my boys. Raising my arms higher than my chest, especially while carrying something, resulted in my left clavicle feeling as if sharp knives were being pushed into it.  

   Psalm 90:12 Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

Lesson #1: Life is fleeting. We all know this, but we don't tend to LIVE like it until something tragic or shocking serves as a wake-up call. At the beginning of this journey, before we knew what it was NOT, Derek and I had to wrestle with several 'heavy' questions and come to terms with the fact that God is the only One who knows the number of our days. There is an incredible Peace that comes with true acceptance of the fact that I AM NOT IN CHARGE and can truly rest in knowing the One who is.

I've learned much about the medical field as I navigated the referral process and wait lists a literal mile long and finally had appointments with a Doctor of Internal Medicine, an Infectious Disease Specialist and a Rheumatologist. They've done almost every blood test in the book and, other than obviously elevated inflammation markers, there's no obvious answer for the continuing swelling and pain.
Both in the ER and at a return visit to the Podiatrist, attempts were made to draw fluid from my joints, without success. I have done time on anti-inflammatories, pain killers and antibiotics, all in attempts to treat my bizarre symptoms. I am currently off of all prescriptions, as we continue to search for the root issue. I have just completed a Whole30 diet, removing inflammatory foods (a.k.a all the comfort foods!) from my body for 30 days. Now I am very slowly re-introducing food groups one at a time, in hopes of discovering a diet related 'trigger'.
I've been blessed with doctors who truly joined our 'team' and fought for answers alongside us, connecting me to whomever was my next best option and making personal follow-up calls to see how I was progressing. I've also been confused and frustrated by other doctors who did not have time for my questions and simply wanted to hand me a stack of prescriptions on their way out the door. Prescriptions, I might add, for an immunosuppressant that would shut down my immune system, dramatically increasing my risk of things much scarier than joint pain, in my opinion. (I told them, 'Thank you, but no thank you..')
Lesson #2: Fight for yourself. Don't give up. Do your research. Put on your grown-up voice and say what you need to say. Regardless of whether the words 'chronic' and 'auto immune disease' are being thrown around, we all face countless opportunities to be brave and make the hard decisions and even the most introverted of us CAN do it.

'Suffering can be a friend who drives you where you didn't know you needed to go.' 

-Ann Voskamp

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll

Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say

It is well, it is well, with my soul

-Horatio Spafford 

Lesson #3: It's okay to let others fight for you, too. We live in a society that praises individualism and looks down on those who don't have it all together. But here's a little secret: none of us are actually perfect! And we all need friends that will jump into the mud beside us and say 'I've got your back.' Appreciate those people! And let them in.
It has been very difficult opening up to friends and family and admitting my need for help. But on days when you cannot pick up your kids... or walk... it becomes the only option. And the support and encouragement that's been poured out on my family and I in the past few months has brought me to tears on multiple occasions. Relationships deepen when you let people into your mess. It's painful.. especially for Type A's. But it's real and it is good and when we allow it, God works mightily through those people and carries us through the seasons we lack the strength for.

'Maybe success isn't in believing I can do anything but in knowing I can do nothing... It seems to me when I finally recognize my inability is when Christ shows up able within me.'

 Emily P Freeman

Discouragement has been one of my biggest attackers. I am actually extremely grateful to be walking this road with two toddlers in tow, because they make it impossible for me to say, 'No, I think I'll just spend the day in bed...' Letting this get the better of me is simply not an option because of the other people literally depending on me to feed them and play with them and wipe their buns. Some days are brutal; I cried a lot during the first two months. But I am thankful for their sweet presence in my days and for their tiny hands in mine as they help me get around in the mornings, Owen whispering, 'One step at a time, Mama, one step at a time..' It also brings me to tears on a regular basis to hear prayers for 'Mama to feel much better!' and be able to talk through the ways and timing of God's healing power.

'The name of the LORD is a strong fortress; the godly run to him and are safe.' Proverbs 18:10

Derek has patiently walked beside me as I navigate various stages of disbelief, frustration, straight-up excruciating pain, and a few pity parties sprinkled throughout. He is encouraging when I am down, he is intense when I want to give up, he is steadfast when I am full of questions. And he brings me flowers after I've had every possible vein poked and prodded for blood. Mid-journey my brave hearted husband said, 'I just don't want to see you lose your joy.' And I have carried his words with me, a powerful challenge to find the joy regardless of how I am feeling.
I will NOT let Satan use this to steal my joy. I will NOT let this... whatever it is.. be my excuse to not show up, give my best and be a light. May we each appreciate the ones in our life that will absolutely not allow us to give up our fight. 'In the face of pain and struggle, don't shut down; stay open. Refuse to miss the joy waiting for you today.' Rachel Macy Stafford

'And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.' Philippians 4:7

I honestly do not know how anyone walks through seasons of unknowns and pain without Jesus. He has been the Peace that literally STANDS GUARD over my heart and mind as the enemy (and my own fear!) make attacks in every way imaginable. I have prayed and been prayed for and continue to pray... for healing. And I absolutely believe that He has heard each and every one of our cries. So now I wait for His perfect timing, trusting that He will do more good and bring more glory to His name through my suffering in this season than through my health. I can't see the whole picture but He does and He journeys with me every step of the way.
Lesson #4: God's got this! 'Then Elisha prayed, "O LORD, open his eyes and let him see!" The LORD opened the young man's eyes, and when he looked up, he saw that the hillside around Elisha was filled horses and chariots of fire.' 2 Kings 6:17

It hasn't all been pain and doctor's visits and scary unknowns this summer, either; we have had countless adventures. Not the grand expeditions I had planned, but ones that were just as rich with goodness, beauty and fun. Owen played T-ball and Daniel turned into quite the comedian! We broke ground at our land and roasted marshmallows and Derek and I celebrated our 7th anniversary in Taos, New Mexico! We spent more time laying in the grass looking for cloud animals and less time rushing to and fro. We smelled all the flowers, threw more rocks in the creek and learned a deeper lesson about extending grace to one another.
Owen announces to people, 'My Mom's bones hurt..' giving me permission to walk as slowly as I need through the aisles of the grocery store. And I do see progress, some days more than others. The pain is definitely not as intense as it was; instead of the 'stabbing' pain I now feel more of a dull ache in all the joints that have been affected.
Regardless of if, when and how this 'anomaly' will run it's course, there are lessons to be learned amidst pain that I may never have been able to learn through health, so I treasure them. And I hug my people tighter. And I have deeper, truer compassion for those who are physically hurting or mentally overwhelmed. I have made connections with countless people I wouldn't have otherwise made; individuals battling arthritis or inundated by giant unknowns, patients next to me in line for more blood work and others attempting wacky, anti-inflammatory diets simply to feel as though they are fighting in their own 'small' way. I thank God for those connections!
Lesson #5: Everyone is fighting their own battle. May we extend grace whether we feel like it's 'deserved' or not. We don't know what's going on beneath the surface. And maybe we'll get it wrong on occasion, it's possible that people ARE just being dramatic or should, indeed, go get a job. But in a world full of skeptics and stereotyping, I see how mercy and a love that transcends differences can be life-changing.

When I cannot stand I'll fall on You

Jesus, You're my hope and stay

-Matt Maher

So, I didn't write this to garner sympathy. I also did not write this in hopes of receiving any more well-meant pieces of advice or ideas of which food groups I should eliminate next. I DID, however, write this post because dealing with suffering is not something I've had much experience with and I wanted to share the lessons I am in the midst of learning. I fully understand that in comparison to the heartbreak and pain that countless others are walking through, this may seem insignificant. But the battles we must fight come in many different shapes and sizes and I believe we can all learn from one another. This is how I process.. and I pray my words might encourage someone else out on their very own muddy battlefield. I would definitely appreciate your prayers as I head to the Rheumatology Department at Denver's University Hospital this week. (Also, this post will hopefully answer some questions about why I'm STILL limping around town!)

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is you alone.

You've been faithful, You've been good

All of my days

Jesus, I will cling to You

Come what may

'Cause I know You're able

I know You can

-MercyMe-