my story, my song

'This is my story, this is my song.  Praising my Savior all the day long.'  The sweetest, little 'choir' of kids sang 'Blessed Assurance' in church yesterday and their melody touched something deep inside me.  What is my story, what is my song?  Can my life truly be summed up in these few statements?  'Heir of salvation, purchase of God, born of His Spirit, washed in His blood.'  Is that what defines my existence?  When people want to know about me I tend to expound on where I've been and what I've done; emphasis on the grandest adventures and greatest achievements.  All of these are a wonderful part of my journey and have shaped who I am today; my experiences make for incredible story telling!  But at the core of the matter is a simple question- what is my song?  Or rather, Who is my song?  Something in me shifted as these beautiful, Hawaiian children belted out the lyrics.  'I in my Savior am happy and blessed, watching and waiting, looking above, filled with His goodness, lost in His love.'  My song isn't about what I've done, but what has been done for me.  The melody of my life is not even about me!  It's about Him.  'This is my story, this is my song.  Praising my Savior all the day long.' 

I am incredibly excited about being a Mom.  Like 99.99% stoked.  But, I would be lying if I didn't admit to that tiny, voice inside that whispers doubts and fears in the stillness of the night.  I feel that as I step into motherhood I'll be stepping into the rest of my life.  Don't get me wrong, I'm already head over heels for this sweet baby and I can only imagine how that love will explode once he/she is born!  I'm excited for every single 'first'.  I'm thrilled about having an excuse to do all the things I'm still secretly crazy about: kite flying, star gazing, snowflake tasting, chalk drawing and PB&J's in the shape of space ships!!  But I do wrestle with the thought of whether I'll be anything but 'Mom' from here on out.

One idea that's danced around in the back of my subconscious for many years is that of being a Massage Therapist.  I've never looked into it seriously, but the thought has always been present when I ponder the future.  So, with a baby on the way and thoughts of diaper changing, soccer practice and science experiments filling my mind, I latched onto this idea.  I found an Academy near by that offers the schooling as well as the hands-on, apprenticeship necessary and the next course starts in March!  Perfect, I was ready to sign up.  Yet, every time I prayed about it, something felt... off.  I didn't know if it was my own over analyzing or if God was actually trying to get through to me.  (Stubborn, much?!) After emailing back and forth with the instructor, she asked me to give her a call to talk out a few more details.  As the phone rang I offered up a hurried prayer, 'God, have your way with this conversation.  Your will be done!'  And then she answered and spoke exactly what I needed to hear.  

As an instructor, making her living off the people signing up for the course, I was blown away by her raw honesty.  After hearing my story she told me, in the sweetest way possible, that she didn't think this was the right time for me.  She highly recommends this occupation to mothers, as you can work your own hours, etc.  But she spoke straight to my heart saying that this baby will change our lives, it will redefine what I do and who I am.  But it is a beautiful change, an incredible redefining.  She encouraged me to embrace this time, to step into the role and count it a privilege, an extraordinary gift.  As we spoke, or rather as she spoke and I listened, an incredible peace filled me and I felt.. free.  Marvellously free!  I'm still very interested in this course and she said she'd love to talk to me down the road a bit.  But I could finally throw out this ridiculous notion that I need to rack up some kind of achievement so that I don't have to introduce myself as 'just a Mom'.  That is a lie and I don't know how I let it permeate so deeply inside me, but God met it with truth and released me to embrace this brand new season of life.  Maybe I will go to school someday, maybe I'll become an astronaut!  I might travel to Africa or write my own book!  But no matter what I do or 'who I am' my song will stay the same.. 'Praising my Savior, all the day long!'  

Derek and I had a lovely Valentine's Day.  Have I mentioned lately how much I like that husband of mine?!  After working all day, he still managed to surprise me with... no, not flowers (he brings me flowers all the time!) not chocolate (strange prego quirk: I'm not the chocoholic I used to be) but the most delicious selection of fruits!  I've been craving figs like none other and he managed to find them for me, plus dragon fruit, lilikoi and oranges.  He knows me well :)  And, his card almost made me cry.. silly progesterone overload seems to have taken my emotions bungee jumping!  But with an ever expanding baby bump it does this heart a world of good to know that my lover still finds me beautiful!  There are occasions for getting dolled up and going out on the town, but Thursday wasn't one of them.  We opted for staying home, making heart shaped homemade pizzas and reminiscing the last 4 1/2 years together.  Our journey is certainly one for the books!

Thanks to our latest church project, I can now add 'professional tile layer' to my ever expanding resume.  Granted, it's the peel and stick kind.  No grouting required.  And Derek made most of the tricky cuts.  But, I still feel very accomplished!  That plus a few more painting/cleaning projects kept me busy throughout the week while Derek was landscaping all over South Kona!  He's a busy man these days!  But we blocked off the next two days for maintenance at the coffee farm.  Weed wacking here we come and you KNOW how excited I am :)  Actually, we haven't needed to work out there the past few weeks and it will actually be nice to get out in the fields again.  

Speaking of coffee... we officially have our first batch of finished product!  Roasted, nuggets of Kona gold that is calling to all of you coffee drinkers.  I can't even think about drinking coffee these days, but Derek says it's the real deal and we're so proud of it that all the bags are just sitting on our kitchen counter... the end result from a year's worth of work.  We're still working on an artsy label for the bags, and figuring out how to market our delicious brew, etc.  But, if you simply can't WAIT another minute to purchase some Pearl Kona Coffee we'd love to hear from you and we'll give you the low down on bag sizes, prices, shipping, etc.  My email is bethel_pearl@yahoo.com and Derek's is drkprl@gmail.com

I know another baby bump picture is in order, now that 'Peanut' and I are officially HALF way!  I'll certainly have one by next week, as well as the very exciting announcement of girl or boy!  We're heading to Colorado this week and can hardly contain our excitement after a whole year apart from family.  We know that a week will be more than enough time to be bombarded by thoughts of moving closer to the people we love.  There will also be plenty of talk about Derek's job offer out there.  Who knows.. maybe that is what God has next for us.  We still don't know, but we're staying surrendered and holding this life with open hands.  Wherever we go, whatever we do: we know our story, our song.  We're 'looking above, lost in His love' and that is what defines us.  'Praising our Savior, all the day long.'

obedience, spinach & gunny sack shirts

The decisions, conversations and actions of today are the framework for what is to come, whether in your own life, your children's lives or events that won't unfold for countless generations.  God is orchestrating every detail of every single life.  He sees the big picture, of which you and I are just one tiny piece.  I can not begin to perceive what God is doing or how He works; I constantly underestimate the importance of 'today'.  He can see from beginning to end and yet, in consideration for our minuscule brain capacity and His incredible desire for us to TRUST Him, He may only allow us to see that which lies directly in front of us.  I know this.  And yet, I regularly ask to be able to 'zoom out'; I constantly crave the broader view of life.

[Kai, at one of his favorite swimming holes!]

This week I read Acts 10 and had a genuine 'lightbulb moment'.  The events of this chapter changed history forever.  An angel appears to a man named Cornelius and tells him to send for a man named Peter, so he does.  Obedience, even though it didn't make any sense.  The next day Peter is on the roof, praying, and sees an unbelievable vision of 'unclean' animals that he is told to kill and eat.  Long story short, God is teaching him not to call anything 'unclean that God has made clean', a 180* turn from everything he's ever known.  While he's still pondering this revelation, the men from Cornelius arrive at the house and the Spirit tells Peter to go with them, so he does!  Obedience, even when it goes against everything he's ever known.  He arrives at Cornelius' house to find a crowd of Gentiles that, according to Jewish law, it would be illegal for him to associate with.  But, because of his vision and God's words, he begins to share with them the incredible news about Jesus!
There's so much more to this beautiful story but I needed to read it for a specific reason this week.  I realized that these men had no advance warning, they simply responded to God's instructions and acted in obedience even when it seemed completely insane.  And the world was transformed because of that obedience.  This was God's plan to extend salvation to ALL people, and yet He waited till the last minute to spring this on Peter.  How do I justify my demand for a plan or some direction when I realize that God didn't even provide an itinerary to some of the most influential people in history.  He told them when it was time and they acted, even when that meant abandoning 'common sense' or setting themselves up for ridicule.  This isn't to say that He didn't have it all mapped out, that He wasn't opening doors and preparing hearts long before this went into play.  But those He used didn't have a clue until it was time.  Until it was time.  That's where I struggle.  I must accept that when it is time, He'll show me.  And until then, enjoy where He has me right NOW!

[Best pancakes EVER!]

Once I grasped this truth my eyes were opened to the fact that God actually HAS answered a prayer.  Derek has work!  Not just random, odd-jobs but an 8-5 landscaping job both last week and this week!  We are so thankful!  I'll say it again and again, God provides.  Jesus is involved in every detail; big things like work or a place to live and 'little' things like an unexpected box of pancake mix just in time for National Pancake Day!  My days are flying by as well and include things like cleaning at home and, on occasion, at a Bed&Breakfast.  I've had time for laundry, cooking, reading books, going running or walking with Kai and tackling a list of odd-jobs at the church.  I'm so grateful for this time and Derek's a pretty big fan of coming home to a hot dinner and freshly baked cupcakes.  I do have a few house -wife confessions, however.  When I'm home alone I like to eat cereal for lunch and I often find myself talking out loud or spontaneously bursting out in song.  I drink orange juice right out of the carton and if I've crossed everything off my list, I might even watch a movie that make me cry!  I'm not ashamed, though...and if I was, I could easily blame the pregnancy!
Speaking of pregnancy!!  This is week number 19 and 'Peanut' is testing out his/her new abilities now that cartilage is turning to bone and neurons between the brain and muscles are connected.  Knowing about all the incredible developments going on inside me is truly astonishing.  Sometimes I read the weekly update and just say 'Wow, God!!  Wow!'  The strange symptom for the week is nightly leg cramps.  AND, while shopping this week, I ventured into the maternity section for the first time in my life.  Unfortunately, the experience was slightly depressing.  Hawaii doesn't have an amazing selection for pregos and even the extra small shirts still felt like a gunny sack.  Thankfully, my regular clothes still fit, minus the occasional unbuttoning of pants before sitting down for a long drive :)  Our Colorado trip is rapidly approaching, though, and I'm hoping to invest in a few purchases out there.
One last snippet from our week.  I finally got my VitaMix!  Saving all my Christmas money finally paid off when these incredible blenders went on sale at Costco last week.  Basically, I can grind ANYTHING, make homemade nut butters, turn soy beans into soy MILK, etc.  It can make homemade ice cream and it can make hot soup.  This is not a commercial, it's just that amazing! And, the most practical use is the smoothies, which we've had on a daily basis.  These aren't your average smoothies, though.  I can pulverize any and all vegetables, mix them with fruits and juice and, apart from the tell-tale, green color, we don't even know we're drinking all that healthy goodness.  Derek and I have consumed more spinach in the last three days then we would have in months, and we've actually enjoyed it!  So, that's all I've got for now.  I'm off to find new recipes to try out in our super sonic blender!  And I'm resting in the fact that God sees the whole plan.. beginning to end.  I'm content with where He has us and excited for whatever He will tell us next.

[yes, that's spinach!]

the fragile beauty of life

Drifting off to sleep, my hand absently drifts to my stomach, its favorite resting place of late.  At first it's a bubble bursting against the surface, kissing my palm.  My hand resettles in time to feel it again and, although subtle, I knew that I knew.  Grabbing Derek's hand, I return to the source of excitement, drawn like a magnet that can't resist!  It took a few times of me saying, 'There, did you feel it?!'  But, eventually, he's in on the secret, too :)  The first 'touch' from our baby!

[Peanut & I at 18 weeks!]

Life is beautiful.  It's also incredibly fragile.  The death of our neighbor this past week was a stark reminder of just how fleeting our days are.  We watched the red and blue lights flash on the highway below us as EMTs loaded the man into an ambulance and onlookers scrambled to pull the crumpled motorcycle off the road.  We're not sure how long he hung on, but the next morning brought word that he was gone.  I don't think his little baby has stopped crying since that night; the haunting sound wafts through our windows and breaks my heart. 

Ecclesiastes 3 tells me there is a time for everything, 'a time to be born and a time to die'.  Forming within me is a brand new, vibrant life and across the street they attempt to deal with an unexpected, shocking death.  A reminder that we can NOT take our days for granted.  As I pray for our baby and all that he/she will face in this world I'm comforted by the fact that God is in charge.  God know this child; He loves him/her and has wonderful plans for their life.  In the face of a terrifying, cruel world I can rest in the truth that my God ordains our every day.  Psalm 139:16 'Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.'  I can also relish in the beauty and wonder surrounding me; looking forward to all the discovery and adventure in store for our baby.

['Peanut' got mail!! Sweet shirts from my VERY sweet friend, Ali!]

Side note:  I can not WAIT to stop saying 'him/her' or even, by accident, 'it'!  Only eight more days until we know if we'll have a wild, sword swinging little man or a sweet, princess with pig tails!  Now, how long it will be till YOU all know is another story.  We're debating keeping it a secret until our Colorado trip at the end of the month so that the gender revealing can be done in person with at least a part of our family! 

Something I'm continually becoming more aware of is how incredible my husband is.  He's dealing with a pregnant wife in all the best possible ways; helping me with dishes, bringing me flowers and going along with strange cravings and emotions as if they were (almost) perfectly normal.  I'm so thankful for him!  This week he's been doing a lot of work around the church, checking things off our care-taking list; stair painting, carpet laying, plant.. planting!  Some jobs require an extra pair of hands, and I'm happy to jump in.  Other tasks just require a supervisor or bearer of cookies and fresh-squeezed orange juice.  We've also had a few other jobs, landscaping for Derek, cleaning for me.  God is providing!

[19 oranges = 1/2 pitcher!]

Because 6 1/2 acres was just not enough pruning for us, we also headed to the 'other' farm this week for some tree trimming.  Derek was pleasantly surprised to have a chainsaw at his disposal for this round.  A break from the trusty saw did a world of good for his wrist and sped up the process significantly.  There's no tool for speeding up the tree dragging, though!  It was up to me to keep up with his chainsaw massacre of coffee trees.  After a few days of not-so-manual labor, it was refreshing to be back at it.  And I must say, even with the additional breaks for snacks, water and peeing, this slightly dramatic prego managed to keep up pretty well!
Another week, come and gone.  It goes by so fast.  Walking home from the store I passed all the flowers and memorials for our neighbor and realized, 'I have no idea how much longer I'll be alive.'  It's not morbid, just truthful.  I might live for 100 more years, or I might be gone tomorrow.  And that doesn't scare me.  Life is incredibly fragile, but I know who I am and I know where I'm going.  Every single day on this planet is a blessing and I will continue to live that way until my last day.  It is the realization that we are 'but a mist.. appearing for a little while and then vanishing'  [James 4:14] that motivates me to grab hold of every moment I'm given.  That may not always mean sky diving or a spur of the moment trip to Costa Rica, although those are some of my favorite memories.  In the day-to-day life it means stepping out of my comfort zone.  I will choose to see the beauty in people, their potential, because that's what Jesus does for ME!  I will live by faith even when it seems ridiculous to those observing.  None of this by my own strength, all by the grace of Jesus who gives me each day, each breath.  Life may be fragile but I know the Author of Life and He knows the number of hairs on my head! [Luke 12:7]  In other words, He's got it covered!