Count it as JOY?!

The burrito was perfectly prepared and ready to be heated when I realized that I had, indeed, compiled my masterpiece on TOP of the clear, ziploc burrito bag rather than an actual tortilla. At this point I had a decision to make; cry or laugh! This may strike you as ridiculous, but it had already been one of THOSE mornings and tears hovered not far from the surface. I had to admit, though, it was pretty funny. So I laughed!
Then I proceeded to scrape everything off the bag, rather unceremoniously, smearing it all onto the real-deal tortilla while calling the boys in for lunch. This was a few weeks ago, but I can not stop thinking about that episode in the kitchen! Aren't some days (or weeks, or entire seasons) just exactly like my big mess of burrito ingredients plopped in precisely the wrong place? Maybe the analogy is far too simple, but the choice remains: can we choose joy when things have not gone at all as anticipated?

Crying genes run strong in the females of my family. (Just ask my Mom about the first time we made her watch Shrek. Many tears were involved!) And my journey continues to resemble a roller coaster ride as we transition and move and face unexpected ups and downs. Suffice it to say, my tear ducts have certainly been kept clog-free the past few years! But I have also laughed a lot and it is true what is said about laughter being the best medicine.
Now, obviously, there are situations that truly warrant tears. There are also times where you must choose to press on but there is nothing laughable about circumstances which may truly be horrific or heart breaking. I completely understand and I am not making light of those hardships! In real-life scenarios that involve relationships and enormous difficulties, not just a refried bean 'disaster', the decision may change from one of choosing laughter to that of choosing perseverance. That word seems to be following me around the past few weeks. (I'm actually hoping that the writing of this post will help me fully grasp the lesson I need to learn so I can stop seeing that word pop up, literally, on every page I turn!)

'Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.' James 1:2-4
I've been digging deeper into this command found in James; these instructions to 'consider it pure joy..' Because, honestly, it's easy to wonder how 'pure joy' belongs in the same sentence as 'facing trials of many kinds'? But joy and happiness are not synonymous; I do not believe we are to conjure up fake feelings when life is hard. This joy command goes much deeper; it is a 'big picture' concept. I stumbled across this explanation at BibleRef.com, 'The word "count" is used in some translations instead of "consider". This is an accounting term.. James is implying that we should enter our hardships as deposits into the checkbook of our life, not withdrawals.'
Deposits not withdrawals; the choice is ours to make! Wow. We all ride the roller coaster of life, often overwhelmed by our ever changing circumstances or the hardships which tend to take us completely by surprise. And while we may not have any say over some of the trials we must face, we DO get to choose our reaction. And even beyond a reaction, because sometimes tears or frustration are inevitable, we can decide how to 'count' that trial as we tally up our life.

The description at BibleRef goes on to say, 'we can decide how we will describe any moment to ourselves... how we think about our circumstances.' And those thoughts will undoubtedly fuel the fire within us, whether that is our resolve to persevere OR a belief that our struggles are too much or our failures too great- whatever lie the Enemy may have already begun whispering in our ear. But James says that when we conquer that mental battle, choosing to speak truth over our circumstances and count them as joy, difficult as it may be, the testing of our faith will produce perseverance. Here's the definition, in case you're a word nerd like I am:

per·se·ver·ance  noun  

:steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.

We are talking about the ability to stay the course, commitment in the midst of hardship. This is a persistence to keep trying after you've failed a time or two (or a hundred)! Will we continue to put one foot in front of the other regardless of how deeply weary or desperately lonely we may feel? Perseverance is continuing to run the race even after we realize that life is a legitimate marathon, not just a 5K!

So the question remains: how will we 'count' this season we are currently journeying through? Where do we file the details of life that are, at first glance, annoying or inconvenient or frustrating. How about the trials that have absolutely rocked our worlds? Can we count it all as pure joy, knowing that while the pain may be unspeakable, the hardships daunting, and the unknowns frustrating, they can produce in us perseverance which, if allowed to do its work, will make us mature and complete. Oh, to be complete; perfection in Christ. That is what we are running towards, my friends!
'Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.' James 1:12
Arriving at that crown, the compete maturity, and a glorious eternity with the Lover of our souls requires perseverance in the here and now! It starts with the little things; choosing to laugh over a burrito disaster, seeing beauty in the face of a clingy child, finding purpose in the endlessly mundane tasks you face each day. But your maturing ability to 'count it all joy' will grow into a mighty force to be reckoned with; a perseverance rooted deep within, built up over time as we face the trials of life and learn to count them as, yes, JOY!
'..And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.' Hebrews 12:1-2 

Son Rise!

Would you believe I almost missed the sunrise this morning? A most excellent pairing of tangerine with golden and rose hues streaking across the horizon and I came within minutes of not witnessing it! Believe it or not, sleep was not the culprit vying for my attentions this time. I was, in fact, already up. It was a very intense focus on what I was reading that kept my head down. And I was reading my Bible!
The sky, of course, had been pitch black as I made my weary way from warm, cozy bed to designated 'quiet time spot' in our living room. I began working my way through a morning routine, as though checking things off of an invisible list before the boys awoke. I'm not really sure what made me look up, but right on the other side of the window pane was stunning evidence of a rising sun over this brand new day. And it was breath taking!

I suppose I've always been perplexed by the religious leaders of Jesus' day; how they missed Him. How they were actually the ones to stir up crowds, spread false rumors, put Jesus on trial, and insist on His crucifixion. Weren't they the ones who studied scripture incessantly? In John 5:39-40 Jesus said to a few of these scholars, 'You study the Scriptures diligently because you think that in them you have eternal life. These are the very Scriptures that testify about me, yet you refuse to come to me to have life.' 
This has always struck a deep chord within me, that they studied diligently in search of life and then actually missed out on Life Himself as He walked among them! Yet, is it possible that we do this at times? Was I actually so engrossed in something so good and right and necessary this morning, the daily digging into God's Word, that I almost missed His masterpiece so briefly displayed across the horizon?! Maybe I shouldn't be so quick to judge those Pharisees. It's possible that we all have had our heads bowed down over what we thought to be absolutely necessary in that moment, only to miss what was truly life giving.
This is absolutely not an excuse to stop with the early morning quiet times, but rather an invitation to take God out of the box we are so often tempted to put Him in. For me it can look like this, 'I'm going to read my Bible, and pray, and maybe get a chapter of that new devotional in before the boys stampede me.' and anything else is considered an interruption. All the while He is whispering, 'Daughter, look up! I just painted the SKY for you!!'

There are certainly mornings to dig deep, blocking out all distractions, finding treasures in His word (and, of course, we must keep digging even on the mornings when revelation has certainly not jumped off the pages) But there are also mornings to simply look up, give thanks, and watch Him work. Maybe I can put down the list of needs I'm bringing before Him and take time to LISTEN to what He might want to bring to the discussion, as well.
The Creator is at work all around us. And He speaks in more ways than one, He longs to meet us where we are at. May we not only dig deep into His words, but keep our heads up and our eyes open to all He is doing. Watch the sun rise, literally! And watch the SON of God rise as Jesus reveals Himself in ways that may be completely unique to you and so ridiculously far out of 'the box'. I have met with Him on swing sets and in the forest and at the beach just as often as I meet with Him during my morning times of peace and quiet. May we never miss out on Him in our search to FIND Him; He's closer than we realize! 'Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.' Jeremiah 33:3 ESV

Grandma.

I didn't cry, or even feel the need to cry, until my tiny son laid that flower upon her casket and said, 'I wuv you, Grandma!'. Then the tears came! My Grandmother is gone from this world and we miss her terribly. But my tears did not last long. How could they? Our group had moved over to a grassy, open area in the cemetery and I was suddenly surrounded by the dancing, playing, laughing and wrestling of Grandma's 33 GREAT grandchildren! Bittersweet has never seemed so applicable; we were sad and joyous at the exact same time.

Conversations of reunited family members started back up; life updates and reminiscing our favorite Grandma Dee stories. It's not that we weren't acutely aware of where we were, of the ground we stood on. But we were equally aware of the fact that Grandma Dee was NOT actually in that box which had just been lowered into the ground. Her body was, of course, but she is very much alive and well and WITH Jesus right now! Celebrating that fact is the reason that her funeral could be a time of beauty.
Seeing Grandma's legacy: her faith, her love, bits and pieces of who she was, reflected in the lives of children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren, was incredible. My Grandma lived well. She trusted Jesus as her Savior and shared the good news of His grace everywhere she went. She was faithful in the little things and this created a ripple effect that will not stop.

So, of course, this has me pondering life and legacy and what will be remembered of me when I am gone. I am all about the grand adventures, you readers know that. But we didn't really talk about any of Grandma's travels this past weekend. In fact, I bet no one even used the word 'epic'! What we did remember was her prayers for each and every one of us, her singing, her laughter, and her scalloped potatoes with ham. We remembered her presence, intentionality, and joy. And I know the words that WERE used about her immediately upon her leaving this life and entering the next were, 'Well done, my good and faithful servant. Welcome home!'

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:1-2

Memory Lane

'Honestly, if you had told me a year ago that we would be living in Virginia this year- I would have laughed out loud.' I said this to my husband last weekend as we marveled over the fact that he is now hard at work as an insurance adjuster on the east coast and we spend our free time splashing in the Potomac River. Who would've thought?
Beyond the fact that we'd never imagined ourselves on this coast, there's the sobering reality that last year at this time I didn't even know if/how I would celebrate my 27th birthday! We had yet to discover the reason behind my rapidly declining health and mobility; scary, life-altering possibilities were still being debated over and tested for.

Wrapping up 'birthday week' over here; I was able to uphold my tradition of celebrating much longer than necessary! And even before the festivities began, I had already received one of the greatest gifts this side of Heaven. This summer I have been able to RUN after my boys, scoop them up in my arms and tickle their little ribs! I am healthy!
Last year at this time, I was using our kitchen stool as a walker. Some days every-single-step felt like an absolute impossibility. I remember standing in the shower, my entire body wracked with sobs, not knowing if my tears were brought on by pain or by the terrifying amount of unknowns pressing down on my little family.
I haven't gone down memory lane in a while and it brings me to tears to venture there now. But as I do, it is humbling to remember what that part of my journey was like. Because of memory lane, I am flooded with gratitude as I recognize the gift of TODAY and the health I am operating out of in this moment. 'O LORD my God, you have performed many wonders for us. Your plans for us are too numerous to list. You have no equal. If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds, I would never come to the end of them.' Psalm 40:5

Derek and I wandered farther down memory lane. We were astonished not only by the crazy turns our life has taken but by the ridiculous, astonishing grace and faithfulness of our Heavenly Father throughout each chapter.
I just turned 27 which means 10 years ago right now I was a 17 year old simply wanting to live my best summer yet. I had no idea that Derek Pearl was about to move back to our tiny mountain town and right into my heart. If you had told me that a year later I would be packing my bags for a Bible school in Australia WITH said heart stealer, Derek Pearl, I would definitely have laughed! Our time living in another country, digging deep into the teachings of Jesus and all the experiences that came with it, were foundational in so many ways. If you had mentioned how, the year after that, I'd be planning our wedding, well, I might actually have passed out.
If someone had told us, one year into marriage, that we would soon be turning our back on the 'American Dream', purchasing one way tickets to Hawaii and taking up residence in an abandoned orchid greenhouse, we would have guffawed! (I love that word!) We spent our second and third years of marriage running a coffee farm, living completely by faith, starting a landscaping business, and experiencing life in ways some people never will. These were years of extremely hard work and very little income and yet the memories remain some of our absolute favorites.
If you had told us, elbows deep in the coffee cherries from our second harvest and preparing for the birth of our first son, that doors of ridiculous housing opportunity would begin opening, I would have cried tears of joy.  We spent our last two years of 'island life' in various care-taking positions and I'm actually sure I did cry happy tears a few times as we moved from one incredible home to the next. God orchestrated every single detail of the way! This chapter of our life was an absolute impossibility apart from the One who takes pleasure in accomplishing His purposes through unbelievable methods.

When we moved back to Colorado from Hawaii in 2015, we had no idea we would start our own business, purchase land, begin construction on our first home, and experience a deeper, truer growth in our faith than ever before. There is no anticipating these things! We brought our second son home to the tiny, mountain town where we both grew up. We cheered our toddler on as he ran the same bases Derek used to play T-ball on! And my battle with Reactive Arthritis would have looked drastically different without the invaluable help of family and friends, as well as connections to doctors and health insurance that we wouldn't have otherwise had. While it may not always seem like it in the moment, God's timing truly is perfect, and I've got a memory lane rich with proof.

Now, here we are in Virginia! We don't know what all will come of this time but I have no doubt we will look back on 2018 in years to come and say things like, 'If you had told us THEN that we would be doing THIS now, we would have laughed!' or 'Wow, look how God orchestrated every single detail of that time in our life!' (I've already said that a few times and we're only half way through the year!)
The point is that we should never underestimate what God is up to. Every season of my life has had incredible challenges intertwined with unbelievable beauty and I believe it ALL has eternal significance. I pray that Derek and I will teach our boys by example, looking back on our lives, seeing evidence of God in every day and giving thanks for all He has brought us to and through. Psalm 145:4 'One generation shall commend your works to another, and shall declare your mighty acts.'

I recently read 'Hinds' Feet On High Places', an incredible allegorical novel by Hannah Hurnard. This book helped to open my eyes to massive amounts of 'behind the scenes' work going on at all times in each of our lives. God equips us with strength, joy, and peace for the journey. But His purposes also intermingle with sorrow, pain, and hardship in ways we may never comprehend, and this is of the utmost significance.
At one point, the young woman in the story, Much-Afraid, comes across a single golden flower growing in spite of it's seemingly impossible location in the desert. This flower's name is Acceptance-with-Joy and that idea of perseverance, and complete trust in the Shepherd even when life takes unexpected turns, is what I long for my life to reflect. I am also journeying to the High Places, following the Shepherd, and doing battle with Fear and Pride. The chapters of my story have had countless ups and downs, but the fact remains, they are all PART of the story and orchestrated by an all-knowing Father who loves me fiercely. May I accept each part of the journey with JOY, refusing to let any desert sands keep me from blossoming into who Jesus is making me into.

Jesus is at work in us at this very moment in preparation for all that is to come. He has been at work in us all along and the same is true of your lives. Like Paul said, '..being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.' Philippians 1:6 May we refuse to underestimate where we are now, because it is part of the journey. And may we intentionally reflect on how far we have come, that we might give glory to the God who orchestrates it all, brings beauty from pain, and grows flowers in the middle of the desert!

In the middle of the night, 

I look up to the sky 

I can hear You

Singing over me

Through the fire and the flood

I know that I am loved

I can hear You

Singing over me

-Urban Rescue

Tending To Our Roots

The night before our most recent move, Owen chose the Bible story and we ended up in Ecclesiastes, discussing why there is, indeed, a 'time for everything'. Right there in the midst of our haggard packing boxes (which have since been thrown away, may they rest in peace) I found myself getting emotional over the words, 'a time to plant and a time to uproot,' (3:2)
We've been uprooting for years and, while a big part of me loves the adventure, I also grow weary of the transitioning. I long for deeper friendships and a community to truly plug into. This verse was a gentle reminder that there is and will be a time for both; there will be seasons in my life for planting deep roots (and that it's already happening in ways that have very little to do with a physical address).
I just finished Whisper, an excellent book by Mark Batterson, and he spoke about this truth as well, 'Simply put, you need to know what season you're in. If you don't, you'll get frustrated trying to harvest when it's time to plant or trying to plant when it's time to let the land lie fallow.' 

So here we are, settled in our newest home, investing serious thought and prayer into the discerning of what season we are in. We currently live in eastern Virginia, where Derek is hard at work as an Insurance Adjuster. We are incredibly thankful for the ways God is faithfully providing. And we know that this season has the potential to alter the course of our story, as each season truly does, depending on how we steward our time here and the opportunities before us.
While I may not be a plant expert, I do know that regardless of whether you are planting or uprooting a tree, it still needs specific, life-giving things. After a quick Google search and talking with my husband, the only one around here with a green thumb, I can tell you that the roots of a transported tree must be wrapped in burlap and moved with great care. The tree needs to be kept in a cool, shady spot and the roots must be soaked in water before transplanting. Damaged roots must be removed and there are fairly specific requirements for the hole you eventually plant in. Moral of the story: even during seasons of uprooting, we must still nurture and tend to our lives, our marriage, our family and our soul- gypsy as it may be.

We must surround ourselves with, and be intentional about, that which gives life- whether we've been in the same city for twenty years or have an ongoing bet for how many months we'll stay in this new location. You may be waiting for the new job to start, or you may be up to your eyeballs in current assignments (or dishes, or laundry, or lesson plans or whatever it is that you do!) Regardless of who we are, I am learning the absolute necessity of staying consistent with a few, simple things that breathe LIFE back into us on a very regular basis. My Dad reminds me that they make you put your own oxygen mask on before assisting anyone else on a turbulent plane ride. If we are not directly connected to that which gives life, we are no help to anyone else around us.
             'The Spirit of God has made me; the breath of the Almighty gives me life.' Job 33:4 
I realize that we will each have unique lists of what makes us come alive. But I do believe that at the heart of every life-giving moment or activity is the One who truly breathes life INTO us. Nothing apart from the Life-Giver can actually give life. But if 'every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights..' (James 1:17) then we can be confident that He is in the details and His goodness is evident in the simplest of moments, the most epic of thrills, and the sweetest of butterfly kisses.

     All things came into being through Him, and apart from Him nothing came into being that has come into being. In Him was life, and the life was the Light of men. (John 1:3-4)

Our lives are refreshed by worshipping the Creator of life; recognizing and giving thanks for His faithfulness and mercy in every situation. But what does that actually look like in our day-to-day? I'm trying to become increasingly aware of what gives me life and then allowing space for it because that is how I tend to my roots. Also, we teach by example and I have two little men watching my every move. I pray that my boys remember a Mama who was intentional about the few things that truly matter in this life.
Here's a few of my daily doses of life-giving 'stuff':
Sitting down and drinking my coffee out of a favorite mug, not in a rush to get the caffeine pumping through my tired body, but a slow sipping while the day wakes up and I prepare to meet it.
Putting the Word of God into my mind- even just a chapter- before I let the world, my to-do lists, or social media have any say.
Stretching.
Being aware of the ways God has answered or is answering prayer; there is no such thing as coincidence.
Fresh flowers on the table.
Music.
Being kind to complete strangers in the grocery store.
Laughter and silliness!
Paddle boarding on the river; long, smooth strokes through glassy liquid (or riding the wake from passing boats as the boys pretend we're on the ocean!)
Tending to my roots comes in countless forms. It's taking the time to hold my sleepy two year old against my chest, nose buried in the sweet smell of his hair. It's running through the grass after my four year old, who is surprisingly FAST and hard to catch! Sitting next to my husband and simply enjoying each other's presence gives me life. But all of these are choices and only happen when I slow down long enough to be present and recognize that moment or person for the gift they truly are.

I understand that there is work to be done and for many of you it happens outside of the home. We can't all just splash in the waves and build blanket forts with our kids each day. (And stay-at-home parents, I hear you, people thinking that is all we do in a day have-no-idea what goes into taking care of a home and keeping tiny humans alive!) I'm not saying the work doesn't matter; it's absolutely vital and we are instructed, 'Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord..' (Colossians 3:23)

Work is a gift from God; allowing work to take over every millisecond of our time and focus is not. At the very beginning, the Creator did exquisite work for six days and then He rested!! Not because He needed it, but to show us how it's done! (Genesis 2:2-3) There has to be balance, for our sake and the sake of those around us. Roots need water whether they are below or above ground and each of us need daily doses of the life-giving stuff, regardless of our current season or circumstances! I promise that making time for a few life-giving practices will be 100% worth it and quite possibly even enable us to do our work that much better!

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. (Colossians 2:6-7) 

Our lack of 'roots' in becoming established with a community and growing deeper friendships has left me feeling especially vulnerable or lonely many times throughout the past few years. But on a much deeper level, I AM rooted. And these roots which connect to the Source of Life, continue to hold me steady when everything else is transitory. These roots make all the difference.

It's a long walk up to the dirt road where our mailbox is and I love making that trek in the last exhale of day, as night wraps everything up in cool and calm. I breathe deeply, in and out, thinking 'I should do more of this!' I savor the feeling of what I'm realizing is a form of worship! It's something I know to be life-giving and it inspires the desire to squeeze every last drop of potential from my day!
After my walk the other night, Derek and I got the boys out of bed to see the lightning bugs twinkling across the field. We chased after them with our glass jars, giggling and exclaiming over the bugs' awesomeness, and my not-so-ninja attempts at catching them! Summer time is pure delight and the God who makes these summer nights, longs to be delighted in. So, the question is why we actually need to be reminded to make time for all this. Why are we forgetting (or choosing not to make time for) our Creator and ourselves and our people; for snuggling and laughing, worshipping and stretching, sipping coffee and smiling at the cashier?!

We must realize that when it comes to anything life-giving, the Enemy will do his absolute best to distract and pull away and tell us we don't have the time. Satan comes to kill, steal and destroy (John 10:10) and that certainly unfolds in horrific, dramatic ways throughout history. But I think it also happens a thousand times each day, in the little ways, as we allow him to kill joy, steal moments and destroy peace.
It's surprising how much time I actually allot to that which doesn't give me life! To-do lists or people's opinions of me or excess amounts of social media; things that are not necessarily bad but can certainly distract from the real reasons I'm on this planet. I'm starting to think of these things as the dead roots that need to be trimmed in order to keep the tree healthy. We can give so much of ourselves to running to and fro, filling every space on the calendar, and keeping up appearances that we miss opportunities to hear from God, fuel our tanks, and love our people well.
It's Jesus that warns us of Satan and his deceiving, distracting ways. His very next words are the reminder of Who we run to for hope in this fallen world, 'I have come that they may have life, and have it more abundantly.' (John 10:10) May we press into the Life-Giver, recognizing the countless ways He is at work in and around us each day, and intentionally tend to our roots.

Snow Day Perspective.

As I sit here watching these big, beautiful snow flakes float down I have to google the definition of perspective because I know mine has shifted. 'A particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view.' It would have to do with attitude, wouldn't it?! But I knew it deep inside; this choice to change an attitude or 'point of view' can just about transform any circumstance.
Perspective is a key able to unlock doors of thanksgiving, joy, or peace that would otherwise remain locked up tight as we tread through the hard places. It's a lens through which we can choose to view the goings-on around us.
As much as it is a choice and an attitude, I believe perspective is also largely influenced by our experiences and beliefs. Last year at this time I would not have appreciated yet ANOTHER spring dumping of the white stuff. We had cabin fever to the 10th degree, paired with sickness that lingered throughout the entire winter and I was completely overwhelmed. But if I hadn't experienced that, would I be able to appreciate today?

Today my kids woke up with giggles of delight and were outside throwing snowballs before we'd even had breakfast. We built a snow man and followed tracks around the back yard and now we'll sip hot chocolate with extra marshmallows while our toes thaw out. It's magic. It's magic because we've only had a few snows this year. It's magic because we're not sick and we can go out and enjoy it. It's magic because of the things we've been through, because we know that it won't last forever and, with those things in mind, it's magic because we're choosing to make it magic.
Now, snow may be a trivial example. Some people just hate cold and there is no conjuring of magic no matter how hard you try. Some of you may actually love cold weather and I don't even know what to say about you :) So let's take another, less fluffy and cold, example.
I have a thankfulness journal that I jot things down in throughout my days. There are occasional prompts and a few days ago it was: 'A circumstance or season of life that has changed you for the better'. I immediately thought of last year; the hard, the transitioning, the sickness, the arthritis, the unknowns. It was a year I'd never choose to repeat. It was also a year that revealed much to me about the character of God and the potential He has placed within me to 'run my race'. It shaped me in ways that only hardship can, bringing with it an incredible new depth in my relationships and perspective.

Because of my experiences last year (and throughout my life) and because of my belief in the God who gives strength to the weary and is able to bless us abundantly, I now possess a key! My perspective 'key' can unlock joy when I'm stuck in a bad mood, can unlock peace in the midst of staggering unknowns, and can unlock thankfulness for the moment in front of me, whether or not it's one I had anticipated. I emphasize can because it is still a choice. There are certainly days I stubbornly refuse to use my key and we all suffer because of it. Major work in progress over here.
'Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.' Philippians 3:13-14
When I was having a difficult time even walking last summer and couldn't pick up my boys or chew anything hard or crunchy, a friend asked me why God would let me go through all that. I'm no theologian, I did NOT have a perfect answer. But I simply told her what I believed with all my heart, that I trusted God was seeing beyond my pain to something much more. I told her of my new-found realization that, in this season, God could truly do more in me through my sickness than He could through my health.

I must point out that this is not the same as allowing your hard to overcome you, this is not permission to stop fighting your battle. I'm still fighting mine and I will not stop. But once we come to terms with the fact that God is at work in the midst of it and the things that are to come are better than we can ever imagine, the challenges we face will start to look different. They become a training course, one we would've never signed up for on our own, yet one that will be invaluable in preparation for what is to come.
I don't know what your 'hard' is right now. It could be this snow day! It could be something so terribly difficult that even speaking of it takes your breath away. Maybe I have no idea. Maybe it's not my place to ramble on about simply 'changing perspective'. But I do believe in a sovereign God. Nothing touches my life that He doesn't first see. That can be unbelievably hard to wrap our minds around in the midst of heart break or pain. This is where trust and faith MUST enter the scene or it can be a very dismal one, indeed. But it means that He not only sees the 'hard' coming our way but He sees beyond it and only allows what can be used for His glory and 'the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.' (Romans 8:28)

I can promise you I do not have this all figured out and I'll be the first to confess how often I get frustrated or say things I shouldn't. I certainly don't always 'cherish the moments'. So I'll give you one last example of the power of perspective, but this one I'm right smack dab in the middle of. There is yet to be a nice, packaged ending with a bow on top; this is real life, my friends.
I am staring down my 15th move in 7.5 years of marriage. FIFTEEN! These packing boxes that I'm dragging out of the shed are looking like they may need an early retirement. Some days I'm giddy-excited about it (that's my gypsy side) but other days it has me blinking back tears because I'm so completely weary of our transitioning. But with fourteen moves behind me, this should definitely be an area that I have developed some perspective in.
Here's what I know, because I've done it before. I am capable of boxing up an entire house while entertaining a 4 and 2 year old, then unpacking it all on the other side. I know God works through these 'stepping stone' places where we only get to spend a few months. And I believe that someday I will hang pictures on a wall and leave them there long enough to get dusty.

Shauna Niequist writes in her book 'Bittersweet', 'I have learned the hard way that change is one of God's greatest gifts and one of his most useful tools.... I have learned that in many cases change is not a function of life's cruelty but, instead, a function of God's graciousness.' So, in that case, and with a lifetime of perspective to back this statement, I say with confidence: 'Bring it on!' My boxes have a little life left in them. And just think of all the adventure that is to come..

In-Between

Never before had I been brought to tears by a pair of shoes. I'm just not that type of girl. But when my tennis shoes slid on without a hint of complication, it was tear worthy. These are the same New Balance running shoes I've repeatedly tried to coax swollen feet into over the past nine months without a hint of success.
For those of you thinking, 'huh?', let me back up. I was diagnosed with Reactive Arthritis last year and it took quite the toll on my body, including extremely swollen and achy joints in my feet and ankles. But I am healing, slowly and surely, and the gift of each activity I'm able to do, after months of not, has me alternating between shouts of joy and grateful tears!
Shoes that fit were the first miracle of the day. The second was a one mile jog around our new neighborhood! 'Just' a mile, after months of wondering if I would ever even WALK without pain, felt like a victory lap. So I did it again a few days later. And again the day after that! Each time with a goofy smile slapped on my face the ENTIRE time; each step feeling like a genuine miracle.

My Rheumatologist called in December with very encouraging news from the most recent lab results. My inflammation markers have greatly improved. For those of you who like stats: my sedimentation rate, which should be below 20, was at 33 when I was first diagnosed and is now at a 3! My C-Reactive Protein, which should be less than 10, was a 72 in September and is now a 22. So, not completely normal but the change is dramatic. Did I mention my alternating between happy dances and joyful tears?!
After the third run, my body began to protest and my wise husband gently reminded me that I need to ease back into activities once banned. He also recommended something a little less jarring than jogging and has been making time to watch the boys while I take the paddle board out on the lake we currently live next to. Paddling doesn't work up the sweat I'm longing for, but it is incredibly therapeutic; I'll take it!
So, I am healing! But I'm also not completely healed. I'm in-between, a place that seems to be a recurring theme throughout many areas of my life. And it has me feeling pensive. How do you live fully in the in-between; how do I refuse to hang on to where I once was, without jumping ahead to where I have not yet fully arrived?

 

In Bible study a few weeks ago, I was reminded of a favorite Old Testament treasure. In Deuteronomy 7 Moses is reminding the Israelites of all God has done for them and encouraging them in all He has yet to do! But in verse 22 is where we find the 'nugget', a tiny verse that makes all the difference. "And the LORD your God will drive out those nations before you little by little; you will be unable to destroy them all at once, lest the beasts of the field become too numerous for you." 
Obviously, the Israelites know a thing or two (or 40 years!) about the dreaded in-between places. But these words speak volumes about God's timing and a purpose behind the waiting. Of course they would've preferred to wipe out all the competition in one fell swoop and march into their promised land, but God saw ALL the details. He knew that if His people were suddenly sole occupants of the land, wild animals would devour them! I'm sure that would have just been the beginning of all the issues they would've faced; moral of the story, the people weren't ready. They NEEDED the in-between, as painful and tedious and confusing as it may have been.

It's a balancing act. That's the conclusion I've come to. I will not drag this sickness around with me, using it as an excuse on the days I don't want to get out of bed. But I will also take the time to listen to my joints and be aware of my need to ease into each new level of activity. I won't pretend to be completely well when I am not. 'In-betweens' are for a reason. And I think this spills over into every layer of life. Waiting is difficult, but moving forward can be it's very own version of hard. Maybe we all need the reminder that we are where we are RIGHT NOW for a reason. It's vital that we don't cling to our sickness but it's just as important that we don't rush the healing. 
I tend to overuse words so I was extremely grateful to have stumbled upon Alli Worthington's perfect summary of my motto for 2018. 'Show up. Be real. Love others. Don't quit.' I've found myself quoting her countless times in the past month; a mantra of sorts. 'Show up. Be real. Love others. Don't quit. Show up. Be real. Love others. Don't quit...' 
We have a ridiculous amount of variables in our life right now (don't worry- I'll save it for another blog post!) and I can't always wrap my mind around a 'big picture'. But I trust the One who can see my entire timeline at once; every detail, and will absolutely keep me in-between if it means sparing me from beasts waiting to overtake me.
So when the sun rises on a brand new day and I find myself still in-between, I will focus on what I CAN do. I will show up to the day, to my life, to the opportunities awaiting me. I will choose, day after day, to be the real me, no matter how bad I may want to fake something else. I will love my people fiercely and look for ways to love those God crosses my path with. And, last but not least, regardless of the ways my story unfolds, I will not ever quit.