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'I wouldn't want to be anywhere else..'  Derek and I were parked at our very own drive-in theater; only infinitely better.  The car was our front porch and the movie was the setting sun!  We sat in comfortable silence, watching in awe as the the brilliant light breathed its color into the remaining moments of a rainy, black and white day.  Breath taking!
Fast forward.  Nestled in the crook of my arm, with his adorable, pudgy hand resting on my chest, Owen drifts off to sleep.  He is everything sweet, snuggly and freshly bathed lavender smells.  He is the tiniest angel I've ever seen and the privilege of knowing him, raising him, kissing him- is all mine!  And again, I whisper 'I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.'

The past few weeks (and all of life, really..) have been jam packed with these moments!  My heart fills to overflowing with a love so strong it literally hurts.  I see beauty so rich it brings tears.  Evening walks, a Saturday at the ocean, laughing with my love, giggling with our boy- these are a few of my favorite things.  An ongoing 'Farkle' competition, bonfires with friends, ticklish little man thighs, a quiet moment with my Bible; the essence of life!  Smelling flowers, juicing oranges, watching Owen's absolute delight as he learns the feeling of dirt under fingernails.  These are the pieces of a collage; my beautiful, messy, wouldn't-trade-it-for-anything collage of life.  And I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.
Nothing about this journey is easy.  But it is everything beautiful!  I made an attempt at describing to my boys this longing to 'frame these moments' and they laughed at my mushiness.  I'm serious, though!  My husband's arms around me, holding tight, after I've been the one to hold everything together all day.. I breathe in the familiarity and wish to savor that feeling forever.  I see the smile of my tiny son as I enter the room and my heart swells with a feeling only motherhood can teach you, a feeling I'd love to bottle.  Homemade pie and ice cream, water fights and watching the breaching of whales from our yard; time marches on and these moments are priceless.  I long to capture each one but all I can do is thank the Giver and choose to live fully right then and there!

People ask me what I do all day and I struggle with an answer.  How does one begin to sum up eskimo kisses and rainy day blanket forts?  I tickle toes and wipe tears (his and mine!) and watch in fascination as he discovers the potential in a cardboard box or paper towel roll!  My son and I are astronauts, we're deep sea divers, we're book worms.  He moves his hands as though directing an orchestra or perfecting his balance for surfing; I marvel at the potential in this little man!  I get frustrated.  I question my sanity.  We take long walks so that I can breathe deep.  And I love him so fiercely, it takes my breath away.
Days are made up of moments.  Life is a collage.  When you're watching a life blossom right in front of you it becomes impossible to simply answer 'How was your day?'  It's infinitely more complex than 'Pretty good!' or 'Well, not great..' !  I may not have left the house (or changed out of my pajama pants!) but I FEEL like I summited Everest as I watch my son growing and maturing at a speed I can't comprehend!  I also feel like I went three rounds in the ring with a grizzly bear!  I'm worn out and I have a kink in my back and I am humbled by the privilege it is to be able to do this.  Motherhood is a high calling and I don't want to be anywhere else!

Derek and I don't feel the need to go wild with presents on Valentine's day.  We're not against the holiday, and you won't find either one of us turning down a perfectly good box of chocolates!  But there is a lot of emphasis placed on this day, this one day a year for proving your affection, and doesn't that go against the grains of true love?  True love sticks by your side through thick and thin, it is 365 days a year; this love remains regardless of how unlovable you may be.  Don't get me wrong, Valentine's Day is very fun and a great excuse for a date night.  But real love is self-less, not something earned by the number of roses or obnoxiously huge size of teddy bear.  My man loves me steady, loves me regardless of me, loves me at my best and my worst.  Being married to your best friend is an incredible adventure and I wouldn't want to be... you guessed it, anywhere else!

There's not a lot of rhyme or reason to this post; the result of going so many weeks without blogging, I suppose!  I have been a little busy.  Busy with living, with sunrise chasing, with relationship building.  I've committed to focusing on the moment at hand, putting down the cell phone, leaving the to-do list behind and embracing the now!  My son is seven months old!  He has one tooth and is actively working on revealing number two.  He has a sense of humor, he loves sweet potatoes and he does an impressive 'inch worm'.  Even spending a few hours away from him means I'll probably miss something new.  And there's no rewind button!
Derek's business continues to grow and can I just take a minute to say how INCREDIBLY PROUD OF HIM I am?!  This man amazes me on a daily basis and it is an honor to be his wife!  His going non-stop, however, plus my part-time secretary work at our church, means that we need to make time for sitting down with each other.  Clearing the table and playing a game, sitting outside and watching the end of a day, mulling over Proverbs together; we're learning to be deliberate about taking time for us.

This life is bursting at the seams with goodness.  James 1:17 says 'Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.'  Every good and perfect gift!  It's up to us to realize these gifts for what they are, grabbing on to the moments, being present and giving our all.  May we see the treasures in an average day, smell the flowers, laugh deep and continually express our love, day in and day out, regardless of how it's received.  Let's live with a thankful heart, live with eyes open to all that God has for us right here and right now.  Let's live as though we wouldn't want to be anywhere else!  

A fit throwing masterpiece!

As I wrestle yet another plastic bag from the impressive grasp of my boy I experience one of those 'lightbulb moments'.  It dawns on me that I'm actually guilty of this same, ridiculous grabbing as much, if not more so, than my tiny son.  Although I'm quick to replace the potential for suffocating with a rattle, ball or his best friend, Tigger, Owen still finds it necessary to express his extreme displeasure.  In short, my child has learned to throw a fit!  And as silly as it seems to me..  I realize that I'm at fault, too.
I grab on all the time; be it to sleep, time or a cutesy idea of what an 'ideal' life looks like.  I stake my claim; it's MINE!  I get so attached, in fact, that I could easily be mistaken for a slobbery, seven month old.  And then it's taken away.  Of course, it's usually in my best interest and often times replaced with something better, yet I fail to see that in the moment!!  I refuse to focus on anything but the fact that the precious, grocery bag that could potentially suffocate me has been pried out of my grubby little fingers.  And I throw a fit.
These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Matthew 6:32 NLT

Owen teaches me a lot.  Or rather, God uses Owen to teach me a lot.  This fit throwing 'lightbulb' was just one of many realizations I've had in the past few days.  We're still not sleeping very much but I'm finally seeing through the fog and grasping the reality of something deeper at work in this.  I'm being taught, refined, sculpted.  And it can be incredibly painful; this chipping away at parts of me.  But it's only once the Artist is free to shave away the imperfections that a masterpiece begins to emerge.
Isaiah 64:8 'Yet you, LORD, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.' NIV

This week required much of me, including honesty and vulnerability.  I finally realized how vital it was to voice the turmoil inside me.  Sleep deprivation had taken its toll and I was starting each day ready for it to be over.  I found myself becoming frustrated about little things and the running commentary in my mind was becoming increasingly sarcastic and gripey.  Something had to give.  At last I admitted to Derek that I was burnt out.  I talked out frustrations with trusted friends and they prayed with me!  It's hard to find the right words because I absolutely love being a Mom.  But that doesn't change the fact that this is one of the hardest roles I've ever stepped into.  Owen is one of my greatest responsibilities.  He is one of my greatest treasures but that doesn't mean he doesn't present some great difficulties! Training up a warrior is not a task for the faint of heart.  And attempting it on only three hours of sleep is next to impossible.

My devotional consistently reminds me 'Do not be ashamed of your exhaustion.  Instead, see it as an opportunity for Me to take charge of your life.  Remember that I can fit everything into a pattern for good, including the things you wish were different...'  And as the sleepless nights continue, the more I find myself pressing into Jesus.  In my desperation I realize my need for a strength greater than my own, a love deeper than what I have to offer and a grace that covers infinitely more than I can comprehend.  At this point I'm running to Jesus not because it's what I know I'm supposed to be doing but because He is the only One that can keep me afloat.   
2 Corinthians 1 eludes to a near death experience for Paul and although our sleeping issues certainly don't qualify as 'deadly peril', the words in verses eight and nine certainly resonate. 'We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia.  We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself.  Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death.  But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.  He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again.  On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us.'

Like I said, God's using Owen to teach me a lot.  Our life is full right now and we are grateful; but it can be overwhelming.  We definitely relate to this feeling of 'great pressure' and there have been moments where we question our ability to endure.  I have no idea why Owen's not sleeping, we've tried every trick and tactic!  But at the same time, I know EXACTLY why this happening.  'That we might not rely on ourselves, but on God, who raises the dead.'  
Jesus has reached right in and pried from these fingers things like 'MY' right to a good night's sleep, 'MY' pride and 'MY' ability to have it all together.  He's chiseling away imperfections.  I feel incredibly exposed!  But as I high tail it for the security of my Papa, I begin to see the purpose in all of this!  Not that I need to know why God does anything.  I know that His purposes and plans are so much greater that I can imagine, extending farther than my tiny brain can fathom.  But in this season I do believe He's allowing me a small glimpse of His work.  He's taking from me things I was incredibly attached to and is replacing them with something infinitely better, the opportunity to rely fully on Him.

 Unfortunately, I don't think I've learned the lesson in it's entirety.  Brew another pot of coffee, folks, because I still do my fair share of fit throwing.  But He is faithful.  And just as God continues to deliver me (often times, from my self!) I will continue to meet Owen in the middle of the night.. for as long as it takes.  I thank Jesus for this time and, just like Paul, I will set my hope on the One 'that will continue to deliver us.'  I embrace these times of sculpting, knowing that the Artist sees in little-old-fit-throwing me, the potential for a masterpiece!