The Loose-Tight Hug

My boys may be a touch claustrophobic. Example:: If a shirt doesn't go over their tiny heads in less than 2.7 seconds they completely lose their cool. Also, the daily wipeouts in these parts result in more embarrassment and frustration than pain; they usually do not want to be immediately comforted. Yet, they want me there.. not really, but definitely. This is why, for the past 3+ years I've been exploring the fine line that is offering my presence and comfort without stifling.
I'm learning the art of loosely-hugging-tightly; a 'gentle' squeeze. The act of gathering up in arms a very strong willed and independent human being who absolutely can not be smothered but desperately needs to be held. It's a skill, not easily mastered, this loose-tight hug. (In it's not-so-literal sense, this technique also applies to my husband... but that's another blog post!) I am beginning to realize that I will utilize this skill for the rest of my days.

We've had an epic summer and fall. A severe case of 'cabin fever' from last winter inspired us to take advantage of each sunny day; we adventured every single chance we could! And I had no doubt that Owen would thrive in the explorations but I wasn't sure how Daniel would handle it all. We four-wheeled to the top of mountains, hiked the Sand Dunes, rafted down a river, went paddle boarding at the lake, road tripped multiple times, etc. And our tiniest adventurer also did great.. thanks to the loose-tight hug technique.
With Daniel's back resting firmly against my chest, it didn't matter how bumpy the trail was or how much the rapids splashed us.. it was all good. Danny Boy literally slept through an entire fireworks show at the end-of-the-year Rockies baseball game. This was a fireworks show like none other and the noise level actually shook my insides; but our tiniest man slept through it all, safe in my arms.

And I marvel at all this: the need to be held, but not held too tight and, within that comfort, the ability to withstand any 'adventure' your parents may drag you through. I realize this is exactly what our Heavenly Father offers us; a loose-tight hug! He will not smother us. He created us with free will, our own unique desires and interests and the ability to choose. But He also knows exactly how fragile we are and He understands our need to rest in a Strength greater than our own.
'God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though it's waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.' Psalms 46:1-3

Sometimes I'm embarrassed by a failure and my instinct is to lash out at those around me, but my Father gathers me up oh-so-loosely and holds me till I calm down. On other occasions, nothing seems to be going according to plan (or at the speed I would like) and, not unlike my claustrophobic sons, I feel trapped and start to lose my cool. But God gives me space to catch my breath and then pulls me back in, saying 'Daughter, I've got this!' His plans are not my own but they are infinitely better. (A.k.a 'I can see that your head is almost through this sweatshirt's head-hole, just give me another second to wrestle you through..') 'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.' Isaiah 55:8-9
It is when I surrender to that comforting Presence, resting my head against the Father's chest, that I can truly embrace the adventure. Our boys may not understand all the bumps and splashes and hours strapped to the front of their Mom and Dad. But, trusting that we were doing this for their own good and relying on our strength to bring them safely through, our tiny adventurers were able to enjoy (or even sleep through) the ride. The beautifully, simple faith of a child.

I'm not saying our ideas are never met with objection. But, in general, our boys handle things exactly how we do. When we are excited to tackle a new challenge, they also get excited! If we remain calm when faced with obstacles or difficulties, so do our sons! And I can only imagine how much stress would be alleviated from my own life if I looked to my Father as an example of how to handle whatever challenge I may be facing. Pretty sure I will never find Him wringing His hands or muttering under His breath. He's got this! And He's got me. May I rest in His loose-tight hug and enjoy the ride.
'For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.'  Jeremiah 29:11-12

Writer's Block

I'm suffering from a severe case of writer's block. Yes, suffering, in the very present tense... so bear with me as I attempt breakthrough. I promise I've pulled up my chair at least 27 times with the realest intentions of posting to my blog, only to labor over a single paragraph and finally realize it to be another dud.
So, what seems to be the problem?!  Well...
I didn't win a writing contest. I entered one this summer; wrote like crazy for 10 days and then spent the next few months daydreaming about that one-week, all-expense-paid trip to New York for their writer's conference. And then I never heard back. I shrugged it off; told everyone I was already working on a better story for next year. But inside I was reeling, 'Maybe I don't have a gift for writing. Maybe I'm not even a writer!' And now every time I sit down to wrestle with the build up of words inside me, those voices of doubt drown out all inspiration... and I've been allowing it.
Also, I think I'm coming unplugged. As in, unglued from my smart phone, breaking my addiction to social media. (I know, those of you on Instagram find this hard to believe because I still take a ridiculous amount of pictures. Sorry, I have cute kids!) This is definitely a process and I'm far from where I want to be. But I've become slightly disgusted with the the mass amounts of time we are spending completely checked out from the real-life-people in front of us.
I recently saw two middle school girls walking down the main street in my home town. The leaves were crunchy and the fall weather felt glorious. At first glance I was nostalgic, reminded of my 13-year-old self walking these very streets with my best friends, feeling like we owned the town, discussing boys and how much longer till we could drive. Then I looked closer and realized these two girls weren't talking at all, at least not to one another, they were not even looking at each other. Their smart phones were held just inches from their faces, a screen was all they could see.

The next week my boys and I were riding the escalator at the mall, waiting for my wedding rings to be cleaned, and it happened again. I saw a young couple sauntering towards us but, upon closer inspection, realized they weren't walking in sync. (At this point you could deduce that I am simply a people watcher and, in fact, very creepy.. but let's just call it 'highly observant'.) The guy had a pained expression on his face and I noticed that the girl was half a step ahead and extremely committed to whatever it was she was doing on her smart phone.
Although this phenomenon becomes increasingly common and is even considered 'the norm', these particular occurrences hit me especially hard. Maybe I took such offense because I saw myself reflected in these situations? Perhaps it scares me to imagine my own boys being so plugged in to technology that they forget how to engage face-to-face or be present in the moment. I'm heart broken to see this become reality. I'm desperate to know what is WRONG with this picture.
How are we placing so much value in a screen that we forget to look up and enjoy a fall day or a best friend or young love!? Why is my phone the first 'face' I see in the morning and the last one I see at night? Why is it worth risking the lives of everyone in your car to finish typing that text message? THIS IS NOT OKAY, people! And so I'm taking small steps in the opposite direction.
I've been purposely leaving my phone at home. I challenge myself to go an entire day without logging on to Facebook. I bought an actual bedside clock so that I could charge my phone in the other room at night. The last face I see before closing my eyes now is my husband. And the first one in the morning is usually my 3-year-old as he crawls under the covers whispering, 'Mom, I see the sun coming up!' Sometimes I don't remember to unplug my phone till lunch time, or if it actually rings.. and this coming unglued, this opening of eyes to the real world, is incredibly freeing.

Last but not least, in my excuses for the lack of writing: The election.  There is so much I'd like to say and, at the exact same time, I want to steer in the absolute opposite direction because it seems that everyone is flinging their words out there and most of it is coming out rude and hurtful.
I am teaching my boys that words have two purposes.. to build up or tear down. 'With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring?' James 3:9-11 I've seen unbelievable amounts of tearing down in the past few weeks. This whole mess of rage, fear, misunderstanding and refusal to listen is serving as a great reminder of what I absolutely must live out in hopes that my boys will learn from. We respect regardless of differences. We love because He first loved us. And, win or lose, we act with dignity and grace. The vast majority of those who just voted seem to have forgotten these traits. What a gift that I have a say in the raising up of the next generation.

That said.. I'm going to start writing again. Hopefully on a more consistent basis. I'm not going to let doubt silence me. I will write and then let it go, refusing to obsess over my ramblings. I will choose to be present with the real-live people in front of me. And I'm going to use my words, both typed and spoken, to build up and point towards Truth and Hope in a time where people are scared, frustrated, and, quite frankly, behaving like lunatics.
'Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-- think about such things.' Philippians 4:8

Stepping Into The River

The air is crisp with hints of fall as shop owners strategically place their pumpkins outside storefronts. Leaves are beginning to change; glorious yellow, orange and red surrounding us as we stroll down Main Street. Daniel is perched atop Derek's shoulders, on top of the world, perfecting his new 'trick': pointing! Owen trots out in front, adamantly opposed to hand holding; our running commentary, our ball of energy. And then he hears our conversation and turns back to inquire, 'We're stepping into a river, Mom?!' 'What river? Where?'

The week before, we had read from Joshua; a story that both terrified and filled with hope. In Joshua 3 we found the nation of Israel needing to cross the Jordan River in route to their promised land. These wanderers had circled the desert for 40 years, waiting. Now, at long last, it was time! But a rushing river, literally at flood stage, blocked their way.

This is what Joshua told the wanderers in chapter 3, 'Think of it- the Master of the entire earth is crossing the Jordan as you watch. When the soles of the feet of the priests carrying the Chest of GOD, Master of all the earth, touch the Jordan's water, the flow of water will be stopped - the water coming from upstream will pile up in a heap.' (The Message) And that's the pep talk. 'God goes before us. He's got this! Just keep walking..' And so they do! These weary wanderers put one foot in front of the other and marched straight towards the raging waters, complete with antsy toddlers fighting the hand holding and babies perched atop shoulders, curious and pointing. And my heart catches in my chest as I read.
The Message goes on to say 'And that's what happened. The people left their tents to cross the Jordan, led by the priests carrying the Chest of the Covenant. When the priests got to the Jordan and their feet touched the water at the edge (the Jordan overflows its banks throughout the harvest), the flow of water stopped. It piled up in a heap- a long way off.... And there they stood; those priests carrying the Chest of the Covenant stood firmly planted on dry ground in the middle of the Jordan while all Israel crossed on dry ground. Finally the whole nation was across the Jordan, and not one wet foot.'

As the chapter concluded I could sense something building within me. Part scream of frustration, part blossoming hope as I realize we are also being called right into that raging river. I feel every bit the Weary Wanderer longing for a place to settle. We left our beloved Hawaiian island one year ago and nothing has been simple about coming 'home'. It's been rich in countless ways and we wouldn't trade in these past 365 days. But, DANG, they certainly have not been easy.
I'm currently surrounded by boxes as we prepare to make our sixth move. SIX homes in one year. Granted, I'm not packing an entire house worth. But that's part of my inner turmoil, too... 3/4 of our boxes from Hawaii are still in storage (a.k.a my in-law's garage! Sorry guys..) and with the other 1/4 of all our worldly possessions we continue to unpack, create a makeshift home for a time, and then repack.
We are circling the desert, waiting for our Promised Land. We have never doubted God's directing us back here. But that's literally the extent of what we know; we're supposed to be here and the rest is unknown. And now my Faithful Provider, Master of the entire earth, is asking me to step into the river.

Winter is on the horizon. We've woken to temperatures of 40* INSIDE the un-insulated Mission and questioned our sanity. (Then immediately piled in the car, cranked the heater, and made our way to the bakery... somehow my sanity always seems to be hanging out over there by the coffee and fresh donuts!) And I want to run away. I don't want to make the hard decisions anymore. I want an easy answer. But there are none. How much excavation work will Derek have through the winter? Should we proceed with buying property when income is an unknown? How long do we even anticipate living in our tiny, mountain town? I.don't.know. But His answer is simple, 'I will make a way as you continue to walk forward in faith. Step into the river.'
So we will rent a sweet friend's almost-finished-basement for the winter. It is insulated, has running water and is nestled right at the base of the mountains. It's the next step and it's a good one. My work is simple; pack the boxes, breathe deep of the crisp, fall air and embrace another chance to practice contentment, even joy, regardless of circumstance. Stepping into the river...

I just apologized to my Mom for not updating her every step of the way lately. If she knew every detail, every change of plans, though.. I fear she would be suffering from a serious case of whiplash. Our journey may not make a lot of sense to those observing (or even us, at times!) But God never promised that it would. He did ask us to follow Him. And as the unknowns threaten to suffocate, Philippians 4:6-7 pushes through; a breath of fresh air, 'Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.' 

Breathe, Bethel. One foot in front of the other. He goes before me, just as He did with the Israelites. As soon as the priests stepped one foot into the river, it says the water 'piled up in a heap'. Can you even imagine?! I can't. But that's pretty much what we need Him to do for us, too. It's going to be unbelievable.. another story to tell of His faithfulness in impossible situations. And that's why He works in these ways. When the unknowns and the overwhelming finally pile up in a heap and we actually walk through on dry ground, all the glory belongs only, obviously, to the 'Master of the entire earth.'
So, I explained this to Owen, on our walk that day. That we don't know what's next but God will lead us and that's truly all we need to know. We talked about Joshua and about walking across a river bed, about trust and obedience. 'Yeah, buddy, we are stepping into a river.' I said, 'Not one that we can see... but we're doing something scary and trusting that God will bring us out on the other side with dry feet.' And he giggled; his mom sometimes goes a little too deep for a three year old.
And I looked Derek in the eye, across the heads of our precious little men and, swallowing down anxiety, I smile and nod. Yes, I'm terrified. But YES, I will step in, trusting God to go before us. He will guard my weary heart with a peace that 'transcends all understanding' and when the waters pile up in a heap and the world asks who, in their right mind, lives like that?! All we will be able to do is point to Him, continually telling the story of God's goodness.

'A peace that passes understanding is my song

And I sing my hope is in You, Lord.

I wait for You and my soul finds rest

In my selfishness, You show me grace..'

-My Hope Is In You

Aaron Shust

My 'just right' Sherlock Holmes..

He came home bearing an extra large, strawberry limeade that had originally been frozen. He had to drive it an hour home to me, so really only the middle was still frozen. But that was the plan.. that's why he started out with an extra-large! And I'm sitting here sipping it, thinking 'How many husbands do this?!' Seriously. So grateful. (And truly savoring this frozen, strawberry goodness after an extremely hot afternoon..)

Six years we've been married, my best friend and I. A lifetime, really. We have 11 moves under our belt, including two across the Pacific Ocean. Two babies have been added to the adventure. Multiple business endeavors have been embarked on as we've dealt with everything from coffee beans to excavators. And the exciting part is that I am constantly learning new things about this amazing man I call 'Husband'. Reminiscing all our shenanigans has me realizing I said, 'I do!' knowing only the tip of this iceberg that is Derek Pearl.
This summer I've cheered my husband on at softball games, watched him coach a little league baseball team, listened to him teach Owen about greasing bolts on a skid steer and sat next to him as he created house plans for The Mission. I was amazed, but not really surprised, to see him hop right in the middle of the action at a branding party and start wrestling calves! (Then he made ME get in there and wrestle a cow, too!) He can rock Danny to sleep like a Baby Whisperer and make me laugh until my stomach muscles hurt. I get the front row seat, on a regular basis, to the incredible learning process that takes place once my husband decides to master a new skill-set.

Honestly, I had no idea what I was getting myself into on that most-perfect-July 24th-day, six years ago. How could I have known? I had never needed to support Derek as he built a business from the ground up. I'd never embarked into the unknown with a single suitcase holding all my worldly possessions. Shoot, I'd never delivered a child before! And now we have tackled all those challenges, and countless more, side-by-side, and I not only like him more than ever before but I have enormous respect for him.
Respect in a relationship is vital for many reasons, one of those reasons is tied to the fact that marriage is not always butterflies and champagne. Believe it or not, we don't always fall into each other's arms at the end of a long day. Sometimes I ramble off an entire thought process only to realize that Derek is not exactly paying attention. Other times he takes the unnecessary brunt of my sorting through the day's frustrations. But, regardless of our 'feelings', respect will choose to believe the best in each other even when our significant other is at their worst. Respect enables us to work through differences. Respect extends grace to this imperfect person we have committed to forever with!

Derek and I have laughed a lot but we've also cried (or, rather, he's learned how to deal with my crying) and we've gritted our teeth out of both perseverance and frustration. United as a team, we've had to learn new levels of sacrifice and grace. Our journey has required many leaps of faith and we've also fought the hardest battle of choosing to be content during the in-between. We've learned how to communicate and how to be comfortable with each other in the midst of silence. Marriage is not always easy, but it is very good and we have a heck of a lot of fun in the midst of all the chaos.
Last year we took this personality quiz that was actually pretty enlightening. At the end it shows you well-known people/characters that fall under the same category as you. We weren't surprised to see Sherlock Holmes on Derek's list and Dr. Watson on mine. Two very different sides of a coin; we desperately need the other to be a whole. When we ventured off to Hawaii, a year and a half into this marriage journey, we had more than one person make the comment that, 'Bethel couldn't do this without Derek and Derek wouldn't want to do this without Bethel.'

In the beginning, as God created with flourish and pizzazz, He described this world and each brand new creature and plant as 'Good!' But when He came to Adam, 'the LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him." ' [Genesis 2:18 NLT] Then Eve enters the scene, the grand finale of His magnificent creation, she was the missing piece that was 'just right'. And this partnering to journey through life, the miracle of two becoming one, is the gift of marriage. There will be plenty of mistakes and misunderstandings, but as husband and wife choose to love and respect one another, committing to continually learn each other for the rest of their days, they too- flaws and all- become the 'just right' pair that God calls 'very good!'
Derek is breath taking, not in the cheesy, Disney-movie version.. although he does clean up gooood! My husband literally takes my breath away as he never stops going, discovering, accomplishing, playing, working, giving, adventuring and daily living out his love for his Savior, for me and for our family. Basically, the more people I meet- the more I appreciate, enjoy and respect my husband.

I think it's rather fitting what Donald Miller says in his book Scary Close, 'Love is not a game any of us can win, it's just a story we can live and enjoy. It's a noble ambition, then, to add a chapter to the story of love, and to make our chapter a good one.' 

I can only imagine what our journey will look like after another six years, leave alone another 60 years! I pray that we will never stop learning each other, balancing both love and respect for one another, going out of our way to inspire a smile (or guffaw!) and knowing that, despite all our quirks, we are truly 'just right' for the other.
Happy Anniversary to my Sherlock Holmes. Thank you for being real with me, encouraging me to be brave and driving frozen lemonade all the way up the mountain for me. As we journey deeper into life together, there is no doubt in my mind that our chapter has been, and will continue to be, an exceptionally good one!

Choosing Grace.

Bouncing my way over bumpy, dirt roads I sipped re-heated coffee and half-listened to Owen's chatter in the backseat. The mountains rose dramatically in front of me and their grandeur began to penetrate my haze. Daniel had fallen asleep as soon as we began driving and the relief was tangible. In the quiet, I also realized I may have overdramatized the whole ordeal.
The afternoon's frustration stemmed from a restless baby and significant lack of accomplishments or, for that matter, breathing time for yours truly. I hadn't had a moment alone since the day began and as the temperature climbed into the 100's in our shell home, so did my sense of urgency to escape it all. And so we drove. But as everyone calmed down, I started questioning my quick arrival at 'wit's end' and guilt began to seep in. Had the afternoon really been that tough? How was I still such a rookie?

Fresh, mountain air is a remedy for almost any ailments. And pity-parties tend to loose steam in comparison to God's beauty. I've never even labeled my little big guy as being 'fussy' before.. not in his entire seven months of living! He is truly our little sunshine boy, with an incredibly joyful and content personality. One afternoon of crying was so minor on the scale of 'things that should work me into a frenzy'. 

You can imagine how I quickly began to regret my lack of patience with sweet Danny Dude. Then I glanced in the rearview mirror and saw a far away look in Owen's eyes as he slowly munched a cucumber. I added to my list of offenses 'loading a fragile two year old in the car immediately upon his waking from a snooze'. How could I be this much of a mess? Why did I not have more patience with these little people gifted to me? I also felt bad for bailing right before Derek would be heading home from work. Wife of the year award right there. And shame settled in like a weight.

I'm currently reading in Mark and seeing Jesus combat guilt and shame with a grace that is both intentional and intense. In Mark 1:40-42 He heals a leper with a single touch. Apart from the fact that the man was immediately cured, this single act of being touched had to be phenomenal for a man previously considered untouchable. When people were infected with this disease, Jewish law required them to live alone, 'outside the camp', with hair uncut and wearing clothes that were torn, all while crying out 'Unclean, unclean.' [Leviticus 14:45-46] Can you even imagine the shame?! This man asks Jesus if he would even be willing to heal him and it says Jesus was indignant. He immediately reaches out to touch the man, saying, 'I am willing. Be clean!' 

I realized I had a choice to make and no one else on those dusty backroads could make it for me. Would I let guilt keep talking or would I shut it up and allow Grace to reach out and touch me? If I do not choose to live in Grace, I will drown in the countless opportunities to over-analyze my actions and pronounce judgement. But Jesus is indignant that I would even hesitate to ask, that shame would cause me to delay for even a moment before running straight to Him for healing.

I fall short in countless ways. This particular afternoon is just one example and, in hind sight, my exasperation was rather trivial. But the temptation to dwell in shame, regret or guilt is all around and can take on many forms, sometimes seeming even larger than life. Becoming a wife and mother intensifies this reality in my own life; when people lean on me, looking for support and answers and a good example, the chance of failure is simply that much greater . I question whether I'm giving it my all and I grow weary and I battle feelings of longing for something more in my days. But if I give it the power, this guilt will begin to define me.

'Leprosy' was a term used to reference various skin-affecting diseases. But this word is used quite often in the Bible and represents a sickness that goes deeper than physical. My sin makes me spiritually unclean and deserving of a sentence to live alone, drowning in shame. But Jesus reaches out to me, to the leper, to every single one of us, saying, 'I am willing. Be clean!' And He destroys the barrier that sin creates. He touches the untouchable and invites us back into community, into His very family. And if we let it, Grace will re-define us, setting us free from guilt and shame. 'So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.' John 8:36

So today I am choosing Grace. I listen to the One who tells me who I really am and reminds me of the potential He sees in me. Tomorrow the choice will be mine to make again. Thank goodness God paints reminders across the very sky for me and lets His message echo through the words sung in church on Sunday. He is always reaching out. He is always willing if we will simply choose Grace.

'Where sin runs deep, Your grace is more. 

Where grace is found, is where You are. 

Where you are, Lord, I am free. 

Holiness is Christ in me. 

Yes, where you are, Lord, I am free. 

Holiness is Christ in me.' 

-Matt Maher

Gold!

On our ride home this evening, I glanced back at the bike trailer hooked to my bike and saw Owen's arm lovingly draped over Daniel. The one rule while we're out riding is 'Keep your hands to yourself!' because I do not want to pull over on the side of the road and deal with a bloody nose. But this.... well, this was an exception.
And yesterday Owen gave 'Danny Dude', as he calls him, a tiny lick of his ice cream cone. This act of kindness and generosity quickly went south as chunky baby hands grabbed at drippy, chocolate goodness. But these moments, I tell ya what, they are gold.

When I wash Daniel's face after meals he acts like I'm torturing him (wonder where he learned that..) but Owen took charge the other day and scrub-a-dub dubbed without a PEEP of complaint from his little brother.
I sit them across from each other on the rug with a pile of legos in the middle and the chattering, laughing and pterodactyl screeches that ensue is priceless. They genuinely like each other.. most of the time. We have our fair share of toy snatching and hair pulling and jealousy over attention the other is receiving. But the friendship growing between my boys makes my heart glad. The thought of all the adventures to come excites me to no end.

Sometimes our days blur together. Sometimes I'm a hot mess. I literally paid for my groceries last week and then walked away and the cashier had to chase me down and remind me that I didn't pick up any of my bagged purchases! Wow. Distracted much?! But then we sit in the field and pick wildflowers and giggle about beetles and I sense it deep within: fulfillment. These days, these lives entrusted to me, these sweet hands tucked safe into mine... this is gold!

So, here's a letter to my little men. Because one day all that will remain of me is memories of adventures had and the words I took the time to write down..

My Boys,

Oh, how I love you. I have never known a love quite as fierce, yet as tender, as what I feel towards you both. 

The world wants me to tame you, to shove you into their box; they would have you conform and fit in and not ruffle any feathers. But I can’t do it. I can not take away your wild, your sense of adventure, the way you balk at tight spaces and clean faces and ‘inside voices’. You are warriors. In a world of apathy and resignation, you were born to ruffle feathers and make a stand and shout at the top of your lungs. And I love that.

Now, you must know that I can not allow you to become tyrants. I’ll tell you a secret about your Dad: what makes him so irresistible is that hand-in-hand with his ‘wild thing’ personality is the fact that he is, through and through, a gentleman. And that is how I aim to raise you two. I will do my very best not to gasp or nag or squelch any dreams, preposterous as they may seem. But I will also insist on manners and respect and the kind and gentle way that is all but lost in this self-centered world. 

You are so precious to me, tiny sons. I watch you play, listen to you chatter, and memorize your features as you peacefully drift off to sleep. I can only imagine all that you will experience and accomplish in your lifetimes. And the responsibility of raising you up right is one that regularly knocks me off my feet. I am not qualified for this. And yet, I know that if I consistently surrender you back to the One who gifted you to me in the first place, we’ll all be just fine. 

Forgive me for all the ways I will, inevitably, blunder and fail. I am far from perfect… and neither of you came with an instruction manual. May we have grace for one another as we venture down this road together. Know that I do what I do because I love you. Know that I have your best interest in mind and I will fight for you till the very end. 

I will squeeze you tight every chance I get because I know that all of this is preparation for the spreading of your wings to fly. And you will be world changers, there is no doubt about that. You were made for such a time as this and you are each equipped with specific gifts and abilities that will be vital to your generation. 

Being able to disciple you is one of God's greatest gifts to me. Now... lets go adventure some more! 

xoxo

Mommy

The Mission

It seems as though a lifetime has passed since moving back to our small, mountain town/home town. In reality, it's been nine months. We've lived with family, we spent a week in a guest house, we house-sat for family friends through the winter, Derek started his own excavation business, we moved back in with family and now, (ready for this!?) we are living in a motor home INSIDE a shell of a building that looks like a giant, Spanish church. (I mean, honestly, did you expect anything less from us?!)
We're buying said shell from Derek's grandparents and 'the plan' is to frame it in this summer/fall. It's gorgeous. It has enormous potential. We are stoked. And..... I dragged my heels until the last possible minute.

Derek was scheming on this venture right when we moved back in October and I was quick to shut down his idea. I'm usually up for most anything. Jump out of a plane with a parachute on my back..... SURE! Backpack through a foreign country and attempt to converse with the locals and share about Jesus... TOTALLY! Move to the jungle and set up camp in a greenhouse.... YES! But I've put myself through a lot in the past year, including moving our entire life across the ocean and giving birth to our second child. So, as New Years came and went I found myself in a state of despair and desperate for normalcy in any form. This idea of glorified camping in the midst of a construction project seemed like just enough to push me right over the edge.

Fast forward several months to when our house-sitting gig was coming to a close and we were, at last, in the final stages of purchasing a 'normal' house in town. Although it needed some remodeling, we could've moved right in and I was finally seeing a light at the end of this wandering, nomad-style tunnel. And then I had a dream.
Dream-me was in the kitchen of 'The Mission', as this Spanish church shell-of-a-building is called by all the locals, looking out over a grassy courtyard where my boys played. Now, there is currently no kitchen in this building. It is literally cement floor, metal beams and plywood walls stuccoed on the outside. And the real-life courtyard isn't exactly somewhere you want to frolick barefoot. But in my dream all was as it should/could be and I woke feeling enormous peace. We cancelled the contract on the other finished and livable, complete-with-white-picket-fence house, and chose to walk our family down a different path.

[our very favorite place to spend the evening..] 

We moved into The Mission on June 1. We have house plans and hope to start framing soon. We are applying for a rehab loan that would enable us to really expedite the entire process and possibly be in a 'real' house by Christmas. But, plan B is bit-by-bit, as we save the money, doing as much as possible on our own.
Derek has already put in a new driveway, seeded the dirt for grass and planted several trees. We sleep and eat in the motorhome and do most of our living in the shell/courtyard area. It's simple and amazing in many ways. It's also camping with two tiny human beings and I'm learning yet another level of patience and endurance.

The temperature in the building literally varies by 50 degrees every day; up into the 100's in the heat of the day and down into the 50's at night. We have water in the motorhome but still need to haul drinking water. And, although it's possible to shower/bathe in the motorhome, it drains our tank so quickly and we usually head to the ever gracious in-law's for bath/laundry day.
It takes a specific skill set to look at what is not and see what could be. My husband has that gift. And I am learning to trust. I trust that God goes before us and He will make a way. I trust that my husband is not only the most capable and inventive man I know but a true visionary! I can't wait to see what The Mission will be when we are done with it. And I'm excited for the adventure that will be every single day from now until then. Our mission, since we have chosen to accept it, is literally 'The Mission'.

If I had to sum up our adventures in one sentence I believe it would be, 'Why do anything the normal way?' Or maybe, 'You can have the easy route, we'll go ahead and take the hard.. plus all the fantastic stories accompanying it.' But seriously, this is the good stuff! It's crazy. It requires all of us and I will readily admit that I don't easily arrive at the daily choice to embrace this new venture. I am currently chugging water from a gallon jug as my sweat discovers new pores to leak from. But I wouldn't trade this for that white picket fence because I want the stories. I want the adventure. And I have a peace that carries me through the hard, helping me focus on all that is to come and the beauty of right now.
I'll never forget being torn between the life in Hawaii which we absolutely adored and the undeniable call to go 'home' and begin something new. In the midst of this painful decision making process, Derek shared this verse with me from Isaiah 43:19, 'See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.' I will continue to cling to that verse and the Way-Maker as we venture forward and watch Him transform this place (and us) into something awesome!
Stay tuned for more adventures in The Mission.... and pictures of the new casa!

 

Savor it! Riiiiiight...

One of my favorite mama friends and I just had a conversation about the term 'savor it'. These words seem to frequent the mouths of an older generation, normally directed at our age group. And we write it off because we've heard it a million times. 'Yes, I know these are the good ol' days.' 'Right, I get it.. my babies will be grown before I know it!'
And we may feel just the tiniest bit sarcastic about it all because, honestly, in the midst of diaper changing and sleepless nights and deciphering the thought process of a two year old we're not exactly feeling sentimental. 'Savor it. Riiiiiight...' And in the early years of marriage we try to find our place in this world. As we try to navigate the waters of home buying and business starting and family raising all while avoiding the sinking of our ship in credit card debt.. well, yeah, it's difficult to wrap sleep deprived minds around the fact that this is in fact 'the good stuff'.
But we do know they are right.

I know in the not-too-distant-future I will desperately miss these days. My babies are growing up at the speed of light. Derek and I are rapidly approaching anniversary number SIX! Life is a whirlwind. And the days can seem tedious and I want to stomp my foot in two-year-old style and declare that I 'just WON'T clean up any more toilet paper strung all over the bathroom.' (How can such tiny people make such colossal disasters, anyway?!) And we dream of days where we won't feel the weight of the world on our shoulders as we make these really, truly HARD grown-up decisions about life.
But I'm starting to realize that if 'that day' ever arrives, the day we have life all figured out and the mortgage is paid off and everyone is potty trained and sleeping through the night (and probably off at college....sob!) we'll reminisce, with longing, the crazy days of right NOW!
We'll giggle about all the times we had to whip off the highway and, in Chinese-fire-drill style, wrestle Owen out of car seat, pants, boxers and, yes, even shoes for a mandatory pee break. We'll remember Daniel's sweet baby laughter and the big, gummy smiles and the way these boys needed us with every fiber of their being, for even the tiniest details of life (all while demanding that they can do it 'all by myself'..) Derek and I will rock in chairs on the porch and talk about, believe it or not, the days when we absolutely did not have it all figured out. And we will miss it.

We visited my Grandma in her retirement home a few months ago. We brought our high decibel noise levels to a place of quiet and tranquility. We brought our messes of epic proportions to a spotless space. We brought excessive splashing to the swimming pool and inappropriate comments to the dining hall. And you know what these people said to us?! 'Thank you!' They thanked us for bringing our family, our life, our chaos in to their midst and reminding them of days gone by. They said 'Thank you for sharing with us..' and they gazed with longing as we hauled out approximately 32 bags (for a one night stay!) hollering, 'Owen, buddy, you only need to push the elevator button ONE time!!'
They looked at our crazy and missed it, missed every bit.
And then Owen whispers it to me, as I crunch my way through the peanut M&M he just handed me, 'Savor it, Mom!' And this giggle bubbles right out of me as realization sets in. This idea, this message of relishing the present, is being preached from both sides of the age spectrum; both young and old, trying to help me grasp the beauty of now. As Jim Elliot said, 'Wherever you are, be all there!' 
The key to this, I believe, is perspective. At the beginning of my motherhood journey, my sister-in-law told me, 'Everything is a season. Don't forget that.' And I am forever grateful for those words and the gentle reminder that life's only constant is change. In other words, may I refuse to let a certain phase overwhelm me.. for it shall soon pass. And may I be intentional about showing up for each day and savoring moments, regardless of whether they feel spectacular or mundane, for they shall soon pass. Take everything in stride, laugh a lot- even at especially at the messes- and be all HERE, wherever that may be!
When we realize the beauty of each moment is fleeting, may we squeeze a bit tighter and linger longer. When we live with the knowledge that this particular phase we are in will not be forever, the hard becomes conquerable and the good becomes that much sweeter! And today I refrained from rolling my eyes when that term 'savor it!' was thrown my way in the store. Baby talking in high pitched pterodactyl voice, toddler swinging from the cart, my crazy lunch lady hair in full swing as I try to figure out what we will make for dinner... and I step back and I take a mental picture, grin a silly grin and realize, yeah.. this IS the good stuff.

'For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.' Ecclesiastes 3:1

Chasing time, John Lennon and an exploding fireworks shop!

Today John Lennon reminded me, via my Good Earth tea bag, that 'Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.' I mulled that over for awhile, sipping my sweet & spicy goodness, and decided he was on to something! See, I'm the one over here waiting for the free time, the quiet space and the organized schedule to give me permission to 'truly live'. I find myself awaiting the perfect opportunity, the invitation, if you will, to write, to dream, to explore. And all the while life continues to happen all around me. Time waits for no one, not the scholar or the frenzied mother or those punching the clock every 9-5.
Babies grow up faster than a mama ever wants and toddler silliness turns into real-life questions about the hard and the confusing. The crunch of autumn leaves fades into the magic of snow. Wind howls and the chill bites but, before I know it, spring is poking its head out in buds on every tree and the promise of summer hangs in the air. Time marches on, whether I gave permission or not.

Stories pile on top of stories and lessons learned blur together as I chase time and scramble to keep up, record and remember. May I focus more on being present in the moments; each gummy smile and tickle fight and tiny hand held safe in mine. May I savor each kiss pressed to my forehead as hard-working-husband heads out the door to carve out our place in this world. I long for the day I will 'have my act together' and take cookies to the neighbors, organize the perfect play dates and be whisked away by my husband on a desperately needed date night. But I need to realize that time is not something we will ever truly be able to master, it will always be a step ahead. So today is the time to DO, to live, regardless of the convenience level. Time marches on, in spite of my keeping up or not.

The other night, elbows deep in my cauliflower soup prep, I realized I was short one stick of butter. (Yes, a whole stick... stop judging and go make this amazing soup already!) Insert large exhale; this would mean a walk down the street and around the corner to the garage where the extra freezer holds the extra butter. Not seeing any way around this inconvenience, I shrugged on a jacket, made sure Derek knew where both boys were and ventured out on mission: retrieve butter and get back before the soup boils over.
As I rounded the corner and faced the mountains, my brisk walking came to an abrupt halt as I beheld the sight in front of me. Mountains, dark and brooding, were framed by an explosion of crimson red, burnt orange and golden highlights. It legitimately looked like an entire fireworks store (you know the ones, right on the Wyoming border, that Derek insists we stop at for contraband explosives!) had blown up right on the other side of the Sangre de Cristos. It was magnificent. The colors were glorious. A gift from my Heavenly Father, beckoning me, 'Come, enjoy, savor!' And I could do nothing but stand in awe at this masterpiece because it would literally be gone in a matter of moments. There would be no scheduling in a convenient time to watch this sunset, it had to be right then!

"Jesus said, 'No procrastination. No backward looks. You can't put God's kingdom off till tomorrow. Seize the day.' " (Luke 9:62 MSG)

Now, I'm not advocating the trashing of all your to-do lists; the issue is not with having a plan. (Help us all.. I wouldn't even remember to take a shower if it hadn't been scribbled on paper at some point.) But we can't spend our whole life in the planning stage and we can't wait for time to slow down because it simply will not ever bend to our will. Jesus says His kingdom can not be put off. It is here and now, as we live out the lives He created us to live. As we spread the knowledge of Him, as we love those around us, as we step into the role of ambassador for our King, He is glorified and His Kingdom comes. 

"Now having been questioned by the Pharisees as to when the kingdom of God was coming, He answered them and said, "The kingdom of God is not coming with signs to be observed; nor will they say, 'Look, here it is!' or, 'There it is!' For behold, the kingdom of God is in your midst." Luke 17:20-21

Whatever God has given you to do in this season of life.. embrace it! Work, school, home building, diaper changing; it matters, may we give it our best. May His kingdom come, on earth as it is in heaven. And as we're up to our eyebrows in said work, in the life that continues to happen all around us.. let's not forget to laugh, swing on the porch swing and initiate those watermelon seed spitting contests! I want to love my people well, serve without expectation and not wait around for a special occasion to wear my pearl necklace or bake a pie or learn how to water ski. That day, the special occasion, ever-illusive 'free time' may never actually come. So what if I just live right now, making the most of whatever season I find myself in?! What about waking up everyday with the intention to truly live?!

John Lennon tells us to live right now, instead of simply making the plans to live, and I agree. But what he didn't say, and what I believe even MORE, is that before we know it this life will be over- whether it went according to 'plan' or not- and then eternity begins. And we will each be asked to give account. What did we do with the days we were given; were we good stewards of our time, our gifts, our relationships, our opportunities? Or did we spend our whole life in the planning stage, longing for what was just out of reach, failing to see the spectacular potential of the moment right in front of us?

For we must all appear before the judgement seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad. 2 Corinthians 5:10

Life beckons.. come, live, this moment is fleeting! What we do today will echo into eternity, 'whether good or bad'. May we stop chasing time, stop planning to live 'someday' and choose, instead, to be fully alive right now.

Yes, each of us will give a personal account to God. Romans 14:12

Today Matters.

The morning begins a little earlier than I'd prefer. But when you're consistently in and out of bed, the line between night's end and morning's start is pretty foggy, anyway. Bring on the extra large mug of Kona coffee! My brother told me, way back at the beginning of this motherhood journey, not to keep track. 'Knowing how many times you were up last night or how many diapers you've changed today certainly won't make the situation any better and might even make you feel worse.' Words of wisdom, my friends, words of wisdom.
Both boys are sick and every day this week I have opened up my planner only to draw a big line through whatever was scheduled for the day. The post office will have to wait, the library will always be there, we actually have plenty of groceries and a trip to the city would not be in our best interest. Wiping snotty noses and rocking feverish babies takes priority and it's messy work but I'm here to tell you that it matters. Three months postpartum I'm learning to view the events of the day with 'new eyes'. I'm beginning to grasp the eternal significance in the mundane tasks of right now.

A friend from church shared with me a story of cathedrals; a fresh perspective on embracing the work set before me. For the most part, those who build cathedrals remain name-less. These massive buildings, grandiose and towering into the sky, intricately decorated and rich with significance both spiritual and historical, started small. They began as a thought in someone's mind, these magnificent structures. They were once simple lines on paper and their construction was completed one laborious step after another.
Brick on top of brick, board nailed into board, tedious and time consuming; cathedrals could take centuries to complete. Not much is known about the architects, the builders and those who showed up day in and day out to get their hands dirty and make things happen. But one thing is for certain, they mattered! Their work and commitment made the finished product possible. The results of their labor, mundane as it may have seemed, will impact history for countless generations.
And then she looked at me, this friend from church, and she said, 'Bethel, you are building a cathedral!' And I wanted to cry right then and there but, I didn't.. I cried later. Because it's so easy to loose sight of the importance in the work set before us. The finished product, the fruit of our labor, is sometimes so far out of sight that we grow weary of the daily grind. But today matters.

A video was shared online about moms caring for their babes. They picked their little ones up when they fell, cheered them on at the hockey rink, warmed up frozen toes, held them when they cried and so on and so forth. At the very end you see these babes as athletes, all grown up and competing in olympic events, and there's their mama right at the finish lines. These women are cheering them on just as they have been doing since day one. And the unsaid, obvious message of this commercial is that these kids turned olympians are who they are largely because of that crazy lady at the finish line screaming for all she's worth. And I watched this over and over because I need to remind myself that today matters. Kissing the scraped knees, pulling them up and having them start again, praising the smallest efforts, staying consistent, being their biggest fan.... this enables kids to soar.

So, don't give up. Maybe you're sailing in my boat. Perhaps the work set before you is entirely different than mine but you're realizing the same truth; things which have eternal significance and the utmost value are built one brick at a time. And yes, I am in the thick of a construction site over here. I smell like Baby Vix and Bordeaux's Butt Paste. I have play doh stuck to my shirt and I've worn these leggings for four days straight. I am frazzled by day's end and thanking Jesus for a husband who came home announcing, 'We are ordering pizza for dinner!' I definitely do not see every disaster and melt down as the ideal opportunity to teach. But I won't give up. Today matters. I am building a cathedral. I am cheering on olympic athletes (or astronauts or carpenters or whatever else they might possibly make up their mind to be!). And this work set before me is hard and messy and absolutely necessary and of the highest honor. 

And then our pastor preached directly to me; squirming-in-my-seat-me. (How do they always know just what I don't want to hear?!) He spoke of a society so focused on end results, preferably quick and easy ones, we're all about seeing fruit if we're going to be doing any labor-ing. But in the midst of this scrambling for instant results and quick fixes, Jesus calls us to a different way of life. Jesus teaches the slow and steady tending of our seeds that will, eventually, way down the line, maybe not even in our life time, produce much fruit! We are called to be faithful to right now, to the nitty gritty digging of our hands down into the soil of whatever work He has put before us. And He whispers to my weary heart, 'Daughter, THIS WORK will make all the difference! Today matters.'
What is the work set before you, my friends? Don't give up on it, don't let the mundane feel of the day in and day out detract from the knowledge that your work is of the utmost importance. Know that each brick matters. Build your cathedral!! Tend your seeds! And above all, hold fast to the knowledge that 'He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.' Philippians 1:6 Because if He's not giving up on me, who am I to give up on today..