Kitchen Dance Party

Yesterday I was nostalgic.  My 'tiny son' is nine months old!  Time has gone by so quickly.  We laid in the grass together and I watched him gaze up at the bamboo, holding out his hands to touch the breeze and catch the birds.  I studied the blink of his eyelashes, memorized the shape of his sweet face.  It seems as though he was just a newborn.  I can only imagine how I'll feel once he's having his first birthday.  But I won't spend today fretting about tomorrow, I was given this moment to savor!

Last night we had a dance party in our kitchen.  Derek grilled ribs and I concocted the sides to go with it.  We laughed hard and ate to our heart's content.  No 'special' reason; we just have everything to be thankful for, every reason to throw our own little party.  Life is fleeting, it is beautiful and there is every reason to savor the moment and treat it like a special occasion.

I can't get enough of Psalm 103 right now.  It's been a daily reminder to 'forget not all his benefits' as it reminds me of Who it is that 'forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.'  Jesus has, indeed, been satisfying my every desire.  Not in the ways I imagined, of course, but in His own perfect way.  As I was longing to live closer to family, He opened my eyes to the awesome 'ohana' we have been blessed with in Hawaii!

Psalm 103 also reminds me that God is my Father, my Papa!  'As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.'  He, literally, knows what I'm made of!  And as I struggled to switch out of vacation mode last week, He had compassion on me.  He led me to realize the root issue: my need for Him!  I still have a long way to go but the results are blatantly obvious.  Days where I'm intentional about my time with Jesus are consistently smoother, more inspired and, amazingly enough, very productive!  It's not that I float through the day in a bubble and nothing touches me, it's just that I've been equipped for all that will, inevitably... touch me!  When I'm faced with challenging obstacles, loneliness or an especially gnarly diaper- it's okay!  Because I'm renewed, I'm redeemed and my desires are met and satisfied by the King of Kings!  

One last bit of this Psalm that is absolutely breathtaking!  'For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.'  I know that He is my Strength and my Song, but I am easily distracted and overwhelmed.  That means I will be learning this lesson until the day I go to be with Jesus forever.  And so I cling to this promise that His love is greater than I can fathom and in Him my short comings have been infinitely removed.  I savor the moments, I laugh with my boys and dance even though I can't dance!  I press into Jesus.  I focus not on what I may not have in this season of life but on the abundance I HAVE been blessed with!  And I agree with the words David wrote over and over, 'Praise the Lord, my soul!'

A lunatic's pity-party-

I heard from Jesus in the most amazing way last night.  I was out for a walk with Owen, trying to classify the overwhelming emotion I was feeling.  It wasn't sadness or frustration, but I felt so very.. heavy.  We just spent an amazing nine days with my family in California and I'm really struggling to get back into the swing of things now that we're home.  You don't know how much you actually miss someone until you get a little taste of life with them!  Anyway, I finally decided on the word: weary.  And I voiced it.  'Jesus, I am so weary.'  Simple and to the point.. that's how my conversations with Him go.  And in the same breath, I found myself saying 'Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest!'

These words stopped me in my tracks.  Woah!  Where did that come from?!  I assumed the next words out of my mouth would've been a slightly dramatic explanation of why, exactly, I am so weary. (As if I need to explain these things to the One who knows me better than I know myself..)  But out popped this verse, this perfectly-suited-to-my-situation verse; Matthew 11:28.  There was my answer.  'Yes, daughter, I know you are weary and your heart feels heavy.  The solution is simple: come to Me!  I long to give you rest but you must first come to Me.

We've been going a million miles an hour the last couple months and I kept telling myself, 'Just a little bit longer and you can rest.'  'Just a few more weeks till California!'  And our trip was everything we hoped it would be; family and fun and laughing until we cried!  We were finally able to introduce our son to so many of the people we love.  There were games to play, delicious food to eat, and all hours of the night to stay up talking.  We played at the beach, we flew kites and blew bubbles with nieces and nephews.  Derek went surfing with the guys, I went walking with my Mama!  It was incredible.  Winery exploration, an early Easter party and harassment from my brothers.  Painting little girl nails, piggy back rides and catching up with sisters and favorite cousins.  These are just a few of the many memories made.

And then we flew back to Hawaii.  And Owen is burning up with fever from tooth number three trying to make it's entrance.  And I caught a nasty cold somewhere along the line.  And Derek's stacked up to his eye balls with work.  And our home is a construction site for the next few weeks.  And there's nothing terrible about any of these things.  We are abundantly thankful for the eye-ball-high stack of work for Derek, and the home improvements are just part of life, and teething is pretty standard for every single baby in the entire world.  It just caught me off guard because I was expecting to come home feeling refreshed and ready to tackle life, but instead I just feel the overwhelming urge to take my boys and jump back on the next plane to California!

And that is what got me out walking last night.. talking out loud like a lunatic, knowing that I shouldn't be feeling anything but overwhelming gratitude for this incredible life and an awesome vacation!  But, in the past few months I've had several people say 'Okay, I read your blog and I love it.. but is that really you?' And so here's a little bit of raw, unedited me.  And it's not pretty.  I felt like I was barely keeping my head above water.. (although that may have just been the impressive amount of snot building up in my sinuses.)  Owen was loudly expressing his discomfort and I was throwing myself a grand pity-party, all right there in the middle of the road.  But God still spoke.  He doesn't give up on me.  And I don't deserve His grace, but that doesn't factor into His equation.  He gives it freely.

'Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest!'  

It's a promise.  And the only condition is that we COME!  And that's all I have for now.  I'm working on the coming.  On the intentional setting aside of time to BE with Him.  Because it's not going to just 'happen' to fit in.  I have a nine month old baby; free time is an endangered species!  If I want to rise above this place of just keeping my head above water I need to make my way to Jesus, the Rock, and climb aboard, accepting the rest that He is waiting to give.