Pure sunshine & a sweet, sticky mess!

Confession: sometimes I feel bipolar. Yikes, I just admitted that. But after describing these feelings to Derek not only did he refrain from checking me into a mental institution, but he said 'Ya know, this sounds like a blog post.' So, maybe I should back up a little..

We were sitting outside in the morning breeze, watching Owen and Kai chase each other through the grass. Our little boy is part mischief, part adventurer and pure sunshine. He has redefined so much of our lives and we can't imagine a day without this silly, wiggly, little explorer. But as Derek and I basked in the moment I was reminded of the mess that transpired just an hour before: the box of cereal taken out of the cupboard when my back was turned and the frustration felt upon discovering the entire contents dumped out on to the living room floor.  

This cereal episode was not a big deal, in and of itself, but messes of this proportion seem to be the new norm. Yesterday it was a half gallon of juice, sticky and sweet and puddling all over the floor at my part-time office job.  The day before that it was poop... on his feet, on my leg, almost on my new pair of shorts! You get the point. It literally takes our son less than three, unsupervised seconds to create a disaster of epic proportions. And, granted, that's just par for the course with a tiny human, especially of the male variety. And sometimes we struggle to contain our laughter at the situation. But other times it is anything but funny. In fact, sometimes it's so NOT hilarious that I grit my teeth a little. (Yikes, again..)

But did I mention the JOY that this boy brings to our lives? He waves hello to every single clerk in the bank and gives goodnight kisses that melt your heart. He's learning to be gentle with the cat and his antics have us laughing until we cry. He scrambles up any object he can find (box, tupperware, coffee table) and as he practices balancing, he announces to all that he is 'suufinn' (surfing)! He is exceptionally smart; has a hunger for learning, discovering, running faster and climbing higher. He inspires his Daddy and I to be intentional about living, loving and appreciating the beauty surrounding us. 

The little man has his moments, though, and an attitude, to boot. He's testing us, seeing how far he can push and learning what we'll actually follow through with. It's a battle of wills and although I won't let HIM know it, there are plenty of post-battle occasions where I take refuge around the corner, hang my head for a moment and wonder how it's possible for someone so tiny to be that much more stubborn than me. 

See where these bipolar feelings come from? Or maybe I should redefine the emotions because I am, in no way, making little of mental issues that are very real for many people. I am, however, baffled by the extreme differences in my thoughts and feelings regarding life with a mini man. How is it possible to vary, within a matter of minutes, from knowing I have the best 'job' in the world and wanting to savor each moment- to fighting back tears of frustration and longing for 8pm to roll around??

This morning I was supposed to use nap time to wash windows and scrub toilets but, thankfully, got caught up in the book of Ephesians. In chapter four, Paul is reminding the church that they 'were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.' (verses 22-24)
This truth is so beautiful and mind-boggling and VITAL to our daily survival. It is literally the choice between life and death, allowing our flesh to call the shots or walking in the righteousness offered to each of us through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. As Owen's mom I have the very unique opportunity to teach this truth by example, this shedding of an 'old self' and putting on of NEW. This is a daily 'dressing', choosing what I will 'put off' and 'put on', and (Yep... insert another YIKES!) my tiny son is watching and learning, whether I have my act together or not.
So, yeah... that new self sounds really nice, but the heaviness of this situation still seems totally overwhelming. The struggle is real and it's constant and the old self is hovering close to the surface as a giant fit gets thrown in the middle of the grocery store. And how am I supposed to be holy in these yucky, overwhelming situations?? How do I go about showing Owen this 'new attitude of mind' when I am bogged down, lonely and exasperated?
Thankfully, Paul goes on in chapter four with some simple instructions. 'In your anger do not sin.' 'Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry' and 'Do not give the devil a foothold.' (verses 26-27) Huge sigh of relief right here. He doesn't say that it's a sin to get frustrated with your toddler (or sweet husband or person driving incredibly slow down the highway...) Instead, he tells us how to deal with the anger and frustrations that are, apparently, inevitable: don't let them lead you into sin, don't let them fester over night and do not let the devil use them to lead you in the wrong direction.
Cereal will be spilled, feelings will be hurt and that 'old self' will beg to take over the reigns. But it's at this point that, instead of being discouraged, we can take heart! Frustration is not grounds for a psych evaluation but an opportunity to overcome. In fact, you haven't even blown it yet, simply because you feel angry. The question is what you will do next. Will we let harsh words fly, will we wound with our silence, will we use our car horn with vengeance? Or will we lean hard into Jesus and PUT ON the new self that He paid for with His life? May we be 'made new' as we take it one day at a time, dressing daily with His righteousness and holiness. May we embrace the journey of becoming more and more of who God created us to be right in the middle of these sweet, sticky messes!

Admitting I Have A Problem

Hi, my name is Bethel and I hear that the first step is admitting to having a problem.
See, I gave myself a social media 'time out' this month and it was.. enlightening. During the first three days I actually experienced withdrawals. Sounds extreme but it had genuinely become my addiction. I'd made a habit of using even just a few seconds of free time or singular moment of silence to grab my phone, open the app and quickly peruse that news feed.
Distancing myself from the 'noise', if you will, left a strange stillness in my days. After surviving the first few days of feeling hopelessly cut off from society, I began to sense a newfound freedom. I could truly be here, all here, without any pressure to describe the moment with a catchy status or posted photo.

Putting the world on mute in this way enabled my ears to discern new sounds; how Owen's laugh is changing as he grows, the intensity of crashing waves, and the sweet, comfortable quiet at the end of a day as I curl up on the couch by my best friend. Believe it or not, there is a vast difference between 'sitting together' and 'sitting together but actually being a world apart as we stare at our various mobile devices'.
Now, I'm not hating on Facebook here. Trust me, I'm excited for my 'sabbatical' to be finished; there are LOTS of baby pictures I've been missing out on and several friends that I can only stay in touch with via the internet. I'm not even saying it's a horrible sin to check your phone while in the presence of other human beings. I'm simply sharing my own experience and the realization that it can (and most likely WILL) get out of hand. Everything in moderation, right?
Maybe I'm the only one here with a Facebook issue. And maybe this isn't about smart phones or technology at all. But it is a matter of priorities. Where is my heart? We can say the right things, but where we spend our free time speaks louder than those 'right' words ever will. Whatever form our addiction comes in, it will take over our brains and relationships and the ability to simply bask in a still, quiet moment without feeling the desperate need to somehow fill it.
Tuning in to the chaos and chatter of the world can rob you of THIS moment. It isn't until we turn down the volume of outside sources that we begin to perceive the still, small voice of the only One who can give us abundant life! 'The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.' John 10:10
Here's my thought: Satan desires every square inch of our day to be filled so that we don't have time to listen for Hope and seek out Truth. The 'thief' will use whatever he can, good and bad, to keep us distracted from real life. If we are constantly entertained and stimulated and connecting and browsing.. it's easy to forget what Psalm 46:10 says: "Be still, and know that I am God." 
Seriously. It happened to me in the most 'innocent' of ways.
We each have to decide how to live this one life we're given. I'm not advocating cave man days, here. I appreciate new inventions and indoor plumbing as much as the next guy! I enjoy staying in touch with friends that live overseas and I actually believe social media can be used to glorify God. I am, however, praying that we ALL make time to sit in silence for a few moments today because there is no telling what we may actually hear! Don't strive to fill every void, either. Leave room for imagination, uninterrupted glasses of sweet tea and the stillness where we truly begin to realize that He is God. 

[zip lining over a waterfall!]

[watching fish jump with these two <3]

'Mommy's here'

Sweet boy Owen, you are half way through your second year of life. My how time flies.

You're a wild man; adventurous, funny and have yet to develop an ounce of separation anxiety. When they announce that it's time for Sunday School you run all the way to the classroom without ever looking back. What a brave explorer. There are times for holding Mommy's hand, though... (Mommy's and no one else's!) and, yep, those moments sure melt my heart. Thank you for each sweet kiss and for being so quick to say 'luh you' :) I love you too, sweetheart! 

My little chatter box; I get so excited about your blossoming vocabulary and the fact that we understand each other more with each day. Your willingness to try any word or animal sound we conjure up provides endless entertainment! I need to take more videos. Each stage and phase and homemade word ('nanu' for light and 'gagu' for milk!) last only a short time. Right now you pronounce 'birdie' with a french accent, 'beerday', which is quite possibly the cutest thing I've ever heard!
You're built like a linebacker and the way you flat out tackle me on the kitchen floor makes a future in the NFL look promising. Your hair is long and wild and I have to comb out the dread locks on a daily basis! Mischief and curiosity are always mixed in to your expression and our adventures just keep getting better. Your speedometer is usually set to 'fast' and climbing is your preferred method of maneuvering any given object (or human being!) That makes it even sweeter when I find you sitting quietly in your room, reading a book or rocking your teddy bear. I pray that you will always be the definition of tough while keeping your heart tender and compassionate. Not all men can find that balance. I see a lot of your Daddy in you and that's my favorite.

You have a servant heart, my son. It's incredible to watch you grab a cloth and start wiping down the breakfast table or throwing your trash away without being asked. You love to help and, needless to say, that makes my day! I wonder when you'll realize that vacuuming is not exactly the epic adventure you seem to think it is? I wonder if everyday, ordinary objects can always seem as magical as you believe them to be right now.

I wonder about a lot of things, actually. How much longer will I be able to kiss these pudgy feet that are too thick for most shoes your size. Am I teaching you the right things, do we play enough games and how long will it take for that play-doh to pass through your digestive system? I wonder about your future. I wonder if we'll survive temper tantrums (yours and mine!) and I wonder what you'll remember about our days spent together. I wonder if your eyes will stay like mine and I wonder if I'll be able to remember the priceless sound of your giggle once you are grown. I wonder if I'm doing any of this 'right'. 

I never wonder about my love for you, though. Don't ever ever doubt that, son. I will love you every single day of your life! We won't always agree; the hurt feelings and time outs and teeth gritted in frustration are guaranteed. We may not always like each other but my love will never falter. As I whisper to you in the night, 'Mommy's here', so it will be for the rest of our days.. whether you like it or not, I'll be here.
xo
Mama