Real Life.

We have been sick for what feels like an eternity. I know, in the grand scheme of things, our ailments are minor and it's actually been a month and a half, not a lifetime. Since Christmas we've battled multiple rounds of a nasty virus and now a lingering stomach bug. (Of course, you know I've over analyzed it all and found a deeper meaning which you now get to hear about!) Sickness can bring out the worst in people.. literally. It can also accentuate the best because there is simply no pretense. Either way, it makes us vulnerable, real.
When you're battling a raging fever, rocking croupy babies through the night or cleaning up a child's tenth diarrhea explosion of the day, 'real' is all you can be, everything else has abandoned ship. And I have learned a lot through the past weeks, about myself and my boys and my partnership with Derek. It has been difficult in so many ways; it has also been an intense kind of beautiful. And Jesus has met us every step of the way, often times with an absolutely glorious sunset!

Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 

2 Corinthians 12:9

Last night I watched a video on Facebook. A mama explaining the journey she and her family have walked for the past two years. Her littlest man has Stage 4 Neuroblastoma. I cried as she spoke of the treatments, struggle and heart break they have faced as a family; of the unknowns awaiting them. (You can learn more about the Dukes family here.) And today I hugged my boys a little tighter. I rocked their sweet, sick bodies and thanked Jesus that they will bounce back from this bug when so many parents all over the world are rocking babies that may never recover.
I suppose loving anyone at all is a risk. While we may not have a diagnosis, we are all eventually going to run out of days. No matter what type of relationships we enter into, we choose to open ourselves up to heartbreak, misunderstanding and inconvenience. The more intimate the relationship: husband, wife, parent; the greater the risk.

Vulnerability: to be exposed. The dictionary calls it a 'susceptibility to being attacked...' I believe it is letting part of your heart live outside your body. It is being raw, being real and being willing to be broken for the sake of truly loving. Honestly, the only way to really live is tangled up with the ability to be vulnerable. And that scares me and probably most of you, if we're being real!

'Be brave and do not pray for the hard things to go away, but pray for a bravery that's bigger than the hard things.' -Ann Voskamp

I can't stop thinking about vulnerability now; and this kind of love that is hard and exhausting and the most beautiful journey we'll ever have the opportunity to partake in. I worry about all that my boys will face and I lie awake at night praying over their journeys, praying for their hearts. Derek and I are trying to stay focused on what truly matters in this life and carve out time to be 'just us' while wading through the waters of raising boys, establishing a business and finding our place in this world. And yes, sometimes real life feels like enough to crush a person.
But while we may be tempted to long for simpler decisions or better health (or that HGTV dream home they're giving away in Georgia, anyone?!) we know, deep down, it would take away from the journey. Without hardship how will we grow strong? Without opening ourselves up to pain, how will we know true love? And yes, I'll admit it.. without the past few weeks of sickness I would not have this newly found appreciation for health!

This 'hard', the vulnerability; being the only possible source of comfort for a sick babe, rocking them through the night in the recliner, cancelling everything on your schedule week after week; this is real, beautiful, painful life. Watching my husband take on jobs he doesn't normally do, feeling myself embrace 'ninja mom' status as I catch throw up in two separate bowls, is all opening my eyes to a level of sacrifice only made possible by love. And then it clicks. Isn't this what Jesus showed during His time on Earth? He loved those who couldn't love back. He gave of himself even when especially when it was not convenient. He took my place on the cross knowing that I may or may not choose to accept what He had done. Jesus is the ultimate example of sacrificial love and vulnerability.

"If I then, the Lord and the Teacher, washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. For I gave you an example that you also should do as I did to you." John 13:14-15

My Dad called at the worst (best?) time. We hadn't left the house in days, the wind was howling and I had already changed my shirt four times that morning. His words echoed exactly what I was beginning to understand, 'This is what Jesus did for us, Bethel... and He tells us to pick up our cross now. They call this.. the cruciform life, that your whole life becomes the shape of a cross, when people see sacrificial living in you.' He encouraged me to 'Fight the good fight, run the race, there IS a finish line and a crown waiting..' And of course, he made me cry.

Hard is not synonymous with 'bad', nor does good always mean 'easy'. This idea is difficult to grasp in a culture which balks at a notion that true love is sacrifice and real life is filter-free and full of vulnerability. But Jesus makes it very clear that His followers are not called to a life of ease, 'If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me.' Matthew 16:24 And so my prayer is that I might stop backing away from opportunities to be vulnerable, stop balking at the 'hardships' God has allowed in my life to make me stronger. And that I will embrace, as Ann Voskamp talks about, 'a willingness to be inconvenienced.. the ultimate proof of love.'