The Loose-Tight Hug

My boys may be a touch claustrophobic. Example:: If a shirt doesn't go over their tiny heads in less than 2.7 seconds they completely lose their cool. Also, the daily wipeouts in these parts result in more embarrassment and frustration than pain; they usually do not want to be immediately comforted. Yet, they want me there.. not really, but definitely. This is why, for the past 3+ years I've been exploring the fine line that is offering my presence and comfort without stifling.
I'm learning the art of loosely-hugging-tightly; a 'gentle' squeeze. The act of gathering up in arms a very strong willed and independent human being who absolutely can not be smothered but desperately needs to be held. It's a skill, not easily mastered, this loose-tight hug. (In it's not-so-literal sense, this technique also applies to my husband... but that's another blog post!) I am beginning to realize that I will utilize this skill for the rest of my days.

We've had an epic summer and fall. A severe case of 'cabin fever' from last winter inspired us to take advantage of each sunny day; we adventured every single chance we could! And I had no doubt that Owen would thrive in the explorations but I wasn't sure how Daniel would handle it all. We four-wheeled to the top of mountains, hiked the Sand Dunes, rafted down a river, went paddle boarding at the lake, road tripped multiple times, etc. And our tiniest adventurer also did great.. thanks to the loose-tight hug technique.
With Daniel's back resting firmly against my chest, it didn't matter how bumpy the trail was or how much the rapids splashed us.. it was all good. Danny Boy literally slept through an entire fireworks show at the end-of-the-year Rockies baseball game. This was a fireworks show like none other and the noise level actually shook my insides; but our tiniest man slept through it all, safe in my arms.

And I marvel at all this: the need to be held, but not held too tight and, within that comfort, the ability to withstand any 'adventure' your parents may drag you through. I realize this is exactly what our Heavenly Father offers us; a loose-tight hug! He will not smother us. He created us with free will, our own unique desires and interests and the ability to choose. But He also knows exactly how fragile we are and He understands our need to rest in a Strength greater than our own.
'God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though it's waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.' Psalms 46:1-3

Sometimes I'm embarrassed by a failure and my instinct is to lash out at those around me, but my Father gathers me up oh-so-loosely and holds me till I calm down. On other occasions, nothing seems to be going according to plan (or at the speed I would like) and, not unlike my claustrophobic sons, I feel trapped and start to lose my cool. But God gives me space to catch my breath and then pulls me back in, saying 'Daughter, I've got this!' His plans are not my own but they are infinitely better. (A.k.a 'I can see that your head is almost through this sweatshirt's head-hole, just give me another second to wrestle you through..') 'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.' Isaiah 55:8-9
It is when I surrender to that comforting Presence, resting my head against the Father's chest, that I can truly embrace the adventure. Our boys may not understand all the bumps and splashes and hours strapped to the front of their Mom and Dad. But, trusting that we were doing this for their own good and relying on our strength to bring them safely through, our tiny adventurers were able to enjoy (or even sleep through) the ride. The beautifully, simple faith of a child.

I'm not saying our ideas are never met with objection. But, in general, our boys handle things exactly how we do. When we are excited to tackle a new challenge, they also get excited! If we remain calm when faced with obstacles or difficulties, so do our sons! And I can only imagine how much stress would be alleviated from my own life if I looked to my Father as an example of how to handle whatever challenge I may be facing. Pretty sure I will never find Him wringing His hands or muttering under His breath. He's got this! And He's got me. May I rest in His loose-tight hug and enjoy the ride.
'For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.'  Jeremiah 29:11-12

Writer's Block

I'm suffering from a severe case of writer's block. Yes, suffering, in the very present tense... so bear with me as I attempt breakthrough. I promise I've pulled up my chair at least 27 times with the realest intentions of posting to my blog, only to labor over a single paragraph and finally realize it to be another dud.
So, what seems to be the problem?!  Well...
I didn't win a writing contest. I entered one this summer; wrote like crazy for 10 days and then spent the next few months daydreaming about that one-week, all-expense-paid trip to New York for their writer's conference. And then I never heard back. I shrugged it off; told everyone I was already working on a better story for next year. But inside I was reeling, 'Maybe I don't have a gift for writing. Maybe I'm not even a writer!' And now every time I sit down to wrestle with the build up of words inside me, those voices of doubt drown out all inspiration... and I've been allowing it.
Also, I think I'm coming unplugged. As in, unglued from my smart phone, breaking my addiction to social media. (I know, those of you on Instagram find this hard to believe because I still take a ridiculous amount of pictures. Sorry, I have cute kids!) This is definitely a process and I'm far from where I want to be. But I've become slightly disgusted with the the mass amounts of time we are spending completely checked out from the real-life-people in front of us.
I recently saw two middle school girls walking down the main street in my home town. The leaves were crunchy and the fall weather felt glorious. At first glance I was nostalgic, reminded of my 13-year-old self walking these very streets with my best friends, feeling like we owned the town, discussing boys and how much longer till we could drive. Then I looked closer and realized these two girls weren't talking at all, at least not to one another, they were not even looking at each other. Their smart phones were held just inches from their faces, a screen was all they could see.

The next week my boys and I were riding the escalator at the mall, waiting for my wedding rings to be cleaned, and it happened again. I saw a young couple sauntering towards us but, upon closer inspection, realized they weren't walking in sync. (At this point you could deduce that I am simply a people watcher and, in fact, very creepy.. but let's just call it 'highly observant'.) The guy had a pained expression on his face and I noticed that the girl was half a step ahead and extremely committed to whatever it was she was doing on her smart phone.
Although this phenomenon becomes increasingly common and is even considered 'the norm', these particular occurrences hit me especially hard. Maybe I took such offense because I saw myself reflected in these situations? Perhaps it scares me to imagine my own boys being so plugged in to technology that they forget how to engage face-to-face or be present in the moment. I'm heart broken to see this become reality. I'm desperate to know what is WRONG with this picture.
How are we placing so much value in a screen that we forget to look up and enjoy a fall day or a best friend or young love!? Why is my phone the first 'face' I see in the morning and the last one I see at night? Why is it worth risking the lives of everyone in your car to finish typing that text message? THIS IS NOT OKAY, people! And so I'm taking small steps in the opposite direction.
I've been purposely leaving my phone at home. I challenge myself to go an entire day without logging on to Facebook. I bought an actual bedside clock so that I could charge my phone in the other room at night. The last face I see before closing my eyes now is my husband. And the first one in the morning is usually my 3-year-old as he crawls under the covers whispering, 'Mom, I see the sun coming up!' Sometimes I don't remember to unplug my phone till lunch time, or if it actually rings.. and this coming unglued, this opening of eyes to the real world, is incredibly freeing.

Last but not least, in my excuses for the lack of writing: The election.  There is so much I'd like to say and, at the exact same time, I want to steer in the absolute opposite direction because it seems that everyone is flinging their words out there and most of it is coming out rude and hurtful.
I am teaching my boys that words have two purposes.. to build up or tear down. 'With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring?' James 3:9-11 I've seen unbelievable amounts of tearing down in the past few weeks. This whole mess of rage, fear, misunderstanding and refusal to listen is serving as a great reminder of what I absolutely must live out in hopes that my boys will learn from. We respect regardless of differences. We love because He first loved us. And, win or lose, we act with dignity and grace. The vast majority of those who just voted seem to have forgotten these traits. What a gift that I have a say in the raising up of the next generation.

That said.. I'm going to start writing again. Hopefully on a more consistent basis. I'm not going to let doubt silence me. I will write and then let it go, refusing to obsess over my ramblings. I will choose to be present with the real-live people in front of me. And I'm going to use my words, both typed and spoken, to build up and point towards Truth and Hope in a time where people are scared, frustrated, and, quite frankly, behaving like lunatics.
'Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-- think about such things.' Philippians 4:8