ramblings of a rebel..

Rocking my baby to sleep just now has me feeling like quite the rebel!  A mushy, contented, head-over-heels rebel.  I did it last night, too.  And the night before!  I've gone completely off book, thrown 'the book' right out the window, in fact!  Those tried and true methods are absolute genius on paper but the real-life version is simply not cutting it for my family this week.
Sweet, tiny son of ours has reverted to newborn sleep patterns.  The combination of a new house, his first bad cold and the excitement of visiting family was more than his little system could process.  I don't blame him.  But my 10-12 hour a night baby is now up every 2-3 hours.  He's also decided that falling asleep on his own for naps is completely over rated!  Needless to say, we are exhausted and maxing out the coffee quota on a daily basis.
I told myself things would calm down, normalcy would resume and the little man would magically pick up where he left off.  I might have to let him fuss for awhile, I told myself, but he'll remember how he used to go to sleep on his own.  Hahaha..ha.  Wrong.  'The book' assured me I was on the right path.  But they didn't mention anything about Mom having to cry it out, too.  There was no disclaimer about the babies that don't just 'settle down after a few minutes', the ones that can easily utilize that amazing pair of lungs for an hour+ without the slightest hint of 'settling'.

I want to pause here to say that I have the sweetest baby on the planet.  I adore him.  Life with Owen is an incredible adventure on a daily basis and I wouldn't trade this Mommy 'job' for any other role.  He is the happiest baby I've ever met and fills our life with an abundance of JOY!  But to indicate that there's no difficulties, to say I don't shed my fair share of tears or to pretend that I've got 'it', whatever that may be, together is not at all accurate.  And I think you readers come here to find the raw and the real.  The hard and the honest.  You want to laugh and cry with me, to sigh in relief upon realizing you're not the only one still wishing for an instruction booklet.
So, where was I.  Oh, yes..I was pulling my hair out in exasperation after three days of 're-training' and feeling like a horrible mother.  That's when it happened.  I picked Owen up and, in my desperation, started waltzing around his room to a sniffly rendition of 'You Are My Sunshine'.  And he fell asleep.  Like in 20 seconds.. he fell asleep!  Nestled softly against my shoulder, his breathing a perfect, calming wisp on my neck, my baby boy was fast asleep.  And that was my undoing.  He was so peaceful, snuggled there in my arms and it dawned on me that this was a relatively new experience.  I've been so determined to have a 'good' sleeper that I rarely allowed myself the privilege of holding him into dreamland.  I began to feel slightly cheated because this feeling is beyond wonderful.  And did I mention.. he was SLEEPING?!

I tell myself I will allow this until we return to our normal schedule.  Once we're back on track with the sleeping, eating, playing routine then we can tackle exactly 'how' he falls asleep.  But we all know the truth.. I'm ruined.  And, because I may never see the error of my ways, here's some justification..  When studying a room full of people I find that it's nearly impossible to pin point those that were rocked to sleep and those that weren't.  'Oh, wow, she was definitely rocked...poor thing' :)  But in all seriousness, I don't think I'm setting my child up for failure and if it makes for more pleasant days and Derek can come home to someone other than Cruella Deville- yeah, I'm game!
At this point I should also interject just how incredible Derek handles the Cruella that does occasionally emerge.  He lets me ramble, he brings home dark chocolate with raspberries and, thankfully, he never leaves ME to 'cry it out'.  Even after a long day of tree chipping, his shoulder is always available for my sniffling privileges.  Although, most of the time, he manages to tickle my funny bone and the crying can be avoided all together.  What would I do without this best friend of mine?!

So, in the midst of my sleep-deprived, emotional, roller coaster ride Jesus threw something else into the mix.  A little something I like to call Psalm 23:1.  Now, this passage of scripture is tried and true.  Most people, whether they realize it or not, even have this one filed away in their memory.  But I read it afresh a few weeks ago and got snagged on verse one.  My New International Version phrases it a little different than I'm used to, 'The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.'  See why I put the brakes on right away.. 'I lack nothing'.  I re-read it, my voice interjecting a question mark where there's actually just a period.  I lack nothing??  I beg to differ.  

What about sleep, which is so obviously lacking in my life as of late?  What about inspiration or motivation?  I lack grace when the monitor lights up at 3am.  I lack TIME.. time for all my to-do lists, time to shower or work out, time to pee without holding a baby in one arm!  Time for Derek, time to sit down and eat an entire meal while it's still hot.  But I know that I'm reading Truth and Truth is saying 'The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.'  So, what am I missing?  

I pray 'Help me wrap my mind around this, Jesus!' and then let my Bible fall open and discover part of the answer:  Romans 15:13  'May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.'   I am empty and lacking in many departments.  But God wants to FILL me.  Where can I possibly find more motivation and inspiration than in the Creator of the universe?  I'm weary and lacking strength, but true renewal and rejuvenation is found in the Source of life, my Sustainer!

There are qualifying statements in these verses, though!  It says that 'as you trust in him' you will be filled and in Psalm 23 it's because 'The LORD is my Shepherd' that 'I lack nothing'.  I must be surrendered, I have to let Him lead!  When I am simply the sheep; when I'm trusting, allowing the Holy Spirit to do His work, THEN I can be filled.  THEN I truly lack nothing.  And beyond that, it says 'you may overflow'!  In my own time and by my own strength, I'll never get it all done.  But in Him I can not only survive, but truly cherish and embrace each moment, rebellious rocking and all!  I can overflow grace and love to my men, meeting them where they're at because Jesus has met me!  In my weakness He is strong.  When I am in Him and He is in me I can truly say with confidence 'The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing!'  

little man thoughts..

Six months going on three years old; I suppose it's about time for an update from the little [BIG] man, himself!  

The past two months have been non-stop adventure.  (Which explains the lack of updates from my Mama.. she promises to get her act together soon!)  We moved into a new house and now I can play in my very own yard each day.  Mom has a few misgivings about me eating the grass, but I can't help myself!

                                      

Speaking of yummy, my palate is rapidly expanding!  Favorites so far include avocado, butternut squash and pears.  Of course, by 'favorite' I really mean 'perfect for smearing, flinging and finger painting in general'.  Starting solids is more about the parents than the baby, I've decided.  You should see my mom poring over her baby food cook book and blending various vegetables and fruits in her blender.  Dad's into it, too!  Although, I must admit, his version of the airplane spoon is incredibly convincing.. 

Mom says it's bittersweet watching her baby grow up this fast; I guess I'll take her word for it.  All I know is that 'tummy time' is seriously overrated and I prefer to be upright and in motion at all times.  In my defense: it's genetics.  My Dad never stops moving, either.  He's been staying so busy with landscaping and tree climbing that he barely remembers to eat lunch, unless it involves chocolate chip cookies!  He has his very own wood chipper now and I can NOT wait to help him run that monster. He is seriously cool!
                                       
With Dad staying so busy, Mom and I decided we needed a vehicle of our own.  You know, for field trips and picking up coffee from the roaster and other VIT's (very important tasks).  We are now the proud owners of a Jeep Liberty and can generally be found running errands with the windows down and the music on!  I'm discovering the vast difference between boys and girls as I go on dates with my parents.  When Dad's in charge.. we go to Lowe's.  When it's Mom and I, we go wherever they're still selling eggnog lattes!

Anyway, back to the non-stop adventure.  My first ever Christmas was a smashing success!  Twinkly lights and breakable tree ornaments may just be one of man's finest creations.  Fun fact: Christmas is not about the presents you get, it's about how those presents are wrapped!  Seriously, though.. Jesus came to earth as a baby and that's really the reason for any and all celebrations!  Our favorite gift this year was a bit belated.. nine family members came all the way from Colorado to meet me, and I suppose they wanted to check out Hawaii, as well... oh, and see my parents!

 I caught my very first cold the day before they arrived, though.  Not cool.  One minute I could breath out my nose and the next thing I know, I can't!  My Mom says we're 'cup half full' kinda people, though.  So, with that point of view: I did really like the steam treatments in the middle of the night!  And I'm extremely thankful to be healthy once more.  

 If there's one thing that freaks a parent out it's unidentified bumps on a baby's body.  One, two, even three can be explained away, but eight is cause for concern.  Turns out, I'm allergic to ants- just like my Dad- and it took a bonus trip to the pediatrician to arrive at this conclusion.  The bites are finally healing up but my Mom has had to convince more than one overly zealous observer that I really did not have chicken pox.

                                       

In spite of all these not-so-fun developments we did have a fantastic time with our visitors.  We trekked to the southernmost point of the US where they went cliff diving and cave exploring.  I stayed safe and dry on land with my Nana.. for now.  Mom decided she needed to be the first one off that cliff..  which doesn't leave her much room for freaking out when I start spreading my own wings.  Green Sands beach (and the four wheel drive adventure to get there!) was such a fun time that I took a nap in the one strip of shady sand the beach had to offer!  These grown ups ate an abundance of happy hour sushi (that's not on my list of approved foods quite yet..) and made up for lost time with their card playing in the evenings.  I loved play time with my cousin, hide and seek with my Papa and I tolerated most of the kisses from all the aunties.

Now we're back to 'normal' and Mom keeps reminding me of this thing we used to have, she calls it a 'schedule'?  I'm not sure; she may be making this up!  Whatever it was, we seem to have misplaced it.  In the mean time, I'm reverting to newborn sleep patterns.  I'll admit, it is slightly exhausting but I can't always be the perfect baby or she'll get spoiled!  Just part of the job.  I think I'll ease up on her soon, we'll see :)  A word of advise to my fellow babies:  when your parents are sleep deprived and re-considering giving you any brothers or sisters.. just sweetly wrap your arms around your Mama's neck or quietly whisper 'Da-da-da-da' against your Daddy's chest and all is forgiven.  Seriously.. even at 3am, it works!

Mom always laughed about silly warning labels; 'do not let baby play with plastic bags' seemed completely preposterous.. 'who would do that?!', she scoffed.  Then she had a baby.  A baby obsessed with anything that crinkles.  Now she understands!  Thankfully, my Grandma is a genius; she sewed the crinkly stuff right in between two pieces of material and now I can safely crinkle to my heart's content..  naturally, I still prefer the grocery bags because they're off limits.. but I can compromise.
                                    
Kai is still my best friend and now that I'm eating real food he's starting to take a slight interest in me, too!  I weigh 18 pounds but my parents still underestimate me.  For example, on the ride home from town the other day they put a new plant in the back seat with me.  Their first mistake was not realizing the full potential of my wing span!  Second mistake: assuming that a quiet baby is a sleeping baby.  That used to be the case when I was a little guy but now it's more likely that I'm up to no good.  Imagine their surprise when we arrived at our destination and they found their new plant nicely de-leafed!  Just learning the family trade back here, guys!  They wouldn't have been any wiser either, had I remembered to wipe the the evidence off my face..

Mom and I just finished reading through my Bible and now we're starting over!  This book has the coolest stories ever and I wish everyone would read them!  If me and my 13 second attention span can do it, anyone can!  And that's all I've got for now; me and my little man thoughts!

the not-so-glittery

I should have known.
It's almost a guarantee; when signing up to lead a Bible study you must first learn that topic afresh in your own life.  I thought I could avoid it this time around.  I chose love.  Because I 'know' love.  Or so I thought.  I should have known.
I can count on one hand a few fingers, the hours of sleep I've been getting each night.  If I could hook myself to a coffee IV it would save significant time.. that's how many cups I've been consuming per day.  My sweet baby is fighting a nasty cold; his first, and it's taking a toll on us all.  He is a trooper.  But I'd be lying to say it's not been hard.  Hard hearing that raspy cough.  Hard pinning him down and sucking those boogers.  Hard juggling the craziness of life with the joy of visiting family members.
And every time I get a few minutes with my Bible I'm pondering that upcoming lesson and I'm reading love.  God is love.  I am called to be love.  Overflow love.  Love is kind.  Love always hopes.
So far we've thoroughly enjoyed all of Owen's 'firsts', but this week we experience other firsts as he struggles to nurse because he can't breath out of his nose.  First time sitting in the bathroom with steam spilling out of the shower, desperately praying for airways to clear.  He throws up all the mucus that he doesn't know to spit out and I realize how many times my Mom held me in my sickness.
I feel something inside and it hurts; I would take this yuck a hundred times over for Owen, but I can't.  He looks at me with eyes that say he doesn't understand and I think my heart might actually explode.  It's then that I realize this is a side of love.  Maybe a bigger side than I've ever realized.  The yucky side.  The sleep deprived and gross; keeping on and giving out of a tank that feels empty.  Love never fails. 

Maybe I'll look back on this and realize my assessment was rather extreme.  But in the moment, it's the scariest we've faced with the little man.  Give me a parachute and I'll jump out of a plane.  Give me a plate of unidentifiable and I'll eat it.  Give me a field full of weeds, even, I'll whack them!  But my sick baby is a different story.  I feel inadequate!  I feel scared.  I am wrung out.  But love never gives up.
There's never a great time to be sick, but the long awaited week that we have family visiting would definitely have been my last choice.  Too bad I'm not in charge of those things.  But love perseveres.
I never realized that my parent's executive decisions to head home early or forego an outing all together was actually in my best interest!  'Cruel parents', I'd grumble, not understanding that their actions were for ME; that they actually wanted to go even more than I did!  Now I get it.  I've bailed on card games, dinner prep, grocery shopping, sushi eating, picture taking and surf lessons.  Not because I wanted to but because priorities have shifted.  I sit in the quiet, rocking my unusually snuggly baby to sleep and that is priceless.  I whisper my love to him, tracing his sweet hand as he drifts off to sleep, and I wouldn't trade that for anything.  But that doesn't mean it's not hard.  Love is not self-seeking.  Part of my heart lives outside my body now and that adds another dimension to life.  No, it's not all about Owen, but it's certainly not about me anymore.

Derek goes to work, he presses on, day in and day out.  He caught the sickness but that doesn't slow him down.  He provides, he comes home and entertains, he takes a turn with Owen and he's the one bringing ME fresh squeezed orange juice in the morning.  I don't deserve him.  Thankfully it's not about what any of us actually 'deserve'.  My husband sees me at my worst and loves me still. Thankfully, love is patient.
Love is the most excellent way; the essence of life.  And love is hard; forged in the messy, love keeps no record of wrongs (or the number of times we were up in the night).  And without love I am nothing.  This is not a plea for pity nor a boast of the amount sacrificed in the past few days.  It's just a raw, honest and not-so-glittery look at love.  And I'm not saying this happened because I signed up to lead a Bible study.  But I am saying that when I think I've got things figured out, I'm just simply beginning.
I have a lot to learn about love.
I should have known!
So here's the moral of the story..  I can't do it.  I'm not very patient, not at 3am anyway.  And I can be a little self-seeking, especially after going five days without even time for a shower!  I want to give up and I do get frustrated and I might keep the occasional 'record of wrong'.  I'm called to love and I can't.  Not on my own.  But Jesus can.  He loves me and He can love through me, in me.
His love fills, strengthens and keeps pushing me forward.  The only way I love is because He first loved me.  It was messy and hard when He came as a baby, when He hung on the cross.  There is nothing glittery about that kind of love.  He asked His Abba to 'take the cup' and if I think my heart hurts I can only imagine what God felt as His Son cried out.  But they went through with it.. for me.  Because love never fails.  Jesus always perseveres.
I still have a lot to learn about love; my Bible study lesson is still a month and a half away!  But I'm realizing that it looks incredibly different than what the world knows as 'love'.  It's messy and hard.  It's choosing what's best, not what's necessarily the most fun.  It's sacrifice and giving when you're wrung out and the ONLY way any of it is possible is because of Jesus who did it first, did it perfectly.  I can walk in His footsteps, less of me and more of Him as I reflect the Light and learn to love.

1 Corinthians 13, 1 John 4