Confessions of a Bag Lady

Apparently, I was a bit of a hoarder while growing up. If anyone was missing an item, the first place they checked was under my bed, in one of my many bags. I don't remember this; I must have been fairly young. But the endearment 'Bag Lady' followed me a little longer than I would have liked.
I will admit to still feeling strong opposition to the haphazard scattering of possessions, clothes, etc. And if I can't deal with a mess right in the moment I have to, at the very least, form piles to be cleaned up later. I also have a really hard time throwing away love notes, mementos and old T-shirts and I do see how this might lead you to deduce that I am, indeed, still a Bag Lady.

The thing is, now I see my eldest son gathering up his favorite items in bags and wanting to take them all with us when we drive somewhere. It's endearing. It's also frustrating, as we already have a million and one distractions hindering our departure. He's kind of a pack rat and I'm wondering if I'm partially to blame. This glimpse of my very own reflection led me to question Owen's (my) need to know where everything is, keeping special items near by and tucked in tight.
As always with these big lessons God teaches through my little men, embarking on a quest to discover the root of this 'bag lady' syndrome took me deeper than I originally anticipated. There is nothing wrong with Owen's desire to bring favorite toys along for the ride (or sleep with 17 teddy bears..?) But it has led to my wrestling with this deep need within each of us to hold tight to what we deem 'ours'. This is both a mental battle and, for some, a literal stuffing of bags to ensure our favorite possessions are within arms reach.

Every day this week I've heard the same song on the radio; Natalie Grant singing 'King of the World', and her lyrics are beginning to break through..

'When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world? 

I try to take life back right out of the hands of the king of the world

How could I make you so small

When you're the one who holds it all

When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world' 

Now, I'm not saying that I need to let go of my desire for neatness or that Owen needs to give away all his toys. But this rather comical trip down memory lane did help me understand that at the heart of my need to hold on, is a fear of unknowns. I mean, I really like a plan (especially now that I am responsible for small human beings who turn into miniature dictators after missing a meal or a nap). And walking with God almost always requires us to journey forward with a whole lot of trust and remarkably little explanation. When I want A-Z mapped out, He simply gives me the very next step. When I begin to pull everything in close and label time, possessions, relationships, money, etc. as 'mine'... He says, 'Daughter, let go!' (And now the tiny bag-lady version of me just might need a very real paper bag to breathe into!)

Letting go is hard! I want to be the one to balance it all even though I know that I know I can not. I just read a post by Ann Voskamp and she said, 'The most revolutionary thing a woman can do is not let anything but the cross explain her life.' What do we find when we rid our lives of unnecessary trappings? What is at our core. What defines us? Is it status, job title, accomplishments, new 'toys'? Or is it the unfathomable grace of Jesus Christ; Him, His righteousness and nothing else?
My mother-in-law always likes to ask me the hard questions. Last week she asked me what God was teaching me and I didn't have a quick answer. Now that I've thought about it (I'm also notorious for needing time to analyze and process..) I think I know. As I enter into a brand new year, open up the first page of my beautiful, brand new planner, God is reminding me Who is in charge. He is asking the Bag Lady to let go so He can fill me with what truly matters. This means opening myself up to a heck of a lot of unknowns. But as I surrender, He can mold me. And the best version of ME is the one He had in mind from the very beginning as He breathed life into my being.

Yet you, LORD, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; 

we are all the work of your hand.  Isaiah 64:8