ramblings of a rebel..

Rocking my baby to sleep just now has me feeling like quite the rebel!  A mushy, contented, head-over-heels rebel.  I did it last night, too.  And the night before!  I've gone completely off book, thrown 'the book' right out the window, in fact!  Those tried and true methods are absolute genius on paper but the real-life version is simply not cutting it for my family this week.
Sweet, tiny son of ours has reverted to newborn sleep patterns.  The combination of a new house, his first bad cold and the excitement of visiting family was more than his little system could process.  I don't blame him.  But my 10-12 hour a night baby is now up every 2-3 hours.  He's also decided that falling asleep on his own for naps is completely over rated!  Needless to say, we are exhausted and maxing out the coffee quota on a daily basis.
I told myself things would calm down, normalcy would resume and the little man would magically pick up where he left off.  I might have to let him fuss for awhile, I told myself, but he'll remember how he used to go to sleep on his own.  Hahaha..ha.  Wrong.  'The book' assured me I was on the right path.  But they didn't mention anything about Mom having to cry it out, too.  There was no disclaimer about the babies that don't just 'settle down after a few minutes', the ones that can easily utilize that amazing pair of lungs for an hour+ without the slightest hint of 'settling'.

I want to pause here to say that I have the sweetest baby on the planet.  I adore him.  Life with Owen is an incredible adventure on a daily basis and I wouldn't trade this Mommy 'job' for any other role.  He is the happiest baby I've ever met and fills our life with an abundance of JOY!  But to indicate that there's no difficulties, to say I don't shed my fair share of tears or to pretend that I've got 'it', whatever that may be, together is not at all accurate.  And I think you readers come here to find the raw and the real.  The hard and the honest.  You want to laugh and cry with me, to sigh in relief upon realizing you're not the only one still wishing for an instruction booklet.
So, where was I.  Oh, yes..I was pulling my hair out in exasperation after three days of 're-training' and feeling like a horrible mother.  That's when it happened.  I picked Owen up and, in my desperation, started waltzing around his room to a sniffly rendition of 'You Are My Sunshine'.  And he fell asleep.  Like in 20 seconds.. he fell asleep!  Nestled softly against my shoulder, his breathing a perfect, calming wisp on my neck, my baby boy was fast asleep.  And that was my undoing.  He was so peaceful, snuggled there in my arms and it dawned on me that this was a relatively new experience.  I've been so determined to have a 'good' sleeper that I rarely allowed myself the privilege of holding him into dreamland.  I began to feel slightly cheated because this feeling is beyond wonderful.  And did I mention.. he was SLEEPING?!

I tell myself I will allow this until we return to our normal schedule.  Once we're back on track with the sleeping, eating, playing routine then we can tackle exactly 'how' he falls asleep.  But we all know the truth.. I'm ruined.  And, because I may never see the error of my ways, here's some justification..  When studying a room full of people I find that it's nearly impossible to pin point those that were rocked to sleep and those that weren't.  'Oh, wow, she was definitely rocked...poor thing' :)  But in all seriousness, I don't think I'm setting my child up for failure and if it makes for more pleasant days and Derek can come home to someone other than Cruella Deville- yeah, I'm game!
At this point I should also interject just how incredible Derek handles the Cruella that does occasionally emerge.  He lets me ramble, he brings home dark chocolate with raspberries and, thankfully, he never leaves ME to 'cry it out'.  Even after a long day of tree chipping, his shoulder is always available for my sniffling privileges.  Although, most of the time, he manages to tickle my funny bone and the crying can be avoided all together.  What would I do without this best friend of mine?!

So, in the midst of my sleep-deprived, emotional, roller coaster ride Jesus threw something else into the mix.  A little something I like to call Psalm 23:1.  Now, this passage of scripture is tried and true.  Most people, whether they realize it or not, even have this one filed away in their memory.  But I read it afresh a few weeks ago and got snagged on verse one.  My New International Version phrases it a little different than I'm used to, 'The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.'  See why I put the brakes on right away.. 'I lack nothing'.  I re-read it, my voice interjecting a question mark where there's actually just a period.  I lack nothing??  I beg to differ.  

What about sleep, which is so obviously lacking in my life as of late?  What about inspiration or motivation?  I lack grace when the monitor lights up at 3am.  I lack TIME.. time for all my to-do lists, time to shower or work out, time to pee without holding a baby in one arm!  Time for Derek, time to sit down and eat an entire meal while it's still hot.  But I know that I'm reading Truth and Truth is saying 'The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.'  So, what am I missing?  

I pray 'Help me wrap my mind around this, Jesus!' and then let my Bible fall open and discover part of the answer:  Romans 15:13  'May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.'   I am empty and lacking in many departments.  But God wants to FILL me.  Where can I possibly find more motivation and inspiration than in the Creator of the universe?  I'm weary and lacking strength, but true renewal and rejuvenation is found in the Source of life, my Sustainer!

There are qualifying statements in these verses, though!  It says that 'as you trust in him' you will be filled and in Psalm 23 it's because 'The LORD is my Shepherd' that 'I lack nothing'.  I must be surrendered, I have to let Him lead!  When I am simply the sheep; when I'm trusting, allowing the Holy Spirit to do His work, THEN I can be filled.  THEN I truly lack nothing.  And beyond that, it says 'you may overflow'!  In my own time and by my own strength, I'll never get it all done.  But in Him I can not only survive, but truly cherish and embrace each moment, rebellious rocking and all!  I can overflow grace and love to my men, meeting them where they're at because Jesus has met me!  In my weakness He is strong.  When I am in Him and He is in me I can truly say with confidence 'The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing!'