A fit throwing masterpiece!

As I wrestle yet another plastic bag from the impressive grasp of my boy I experience one of those 'lightbulb moments'.  It dawns on me that I'm actually guilty of this same, ridiculous grabbing as much, if not more so, than my tiny son.  Although I'm quick to replace the potential for suffocating with a rattle, ball or his best friend, Tigger, Owen still finds it necessary to express his extreme displeasure.  In short, my child has learned to throw a fit!  And as silly as it seems to me..  I realize that I'm at fault, too.
I grab on all the time; be it to sleep, time or a cutesy idea of what an 'ideal' life looks like.  I stake my claim; it's MINE!  I get so attached, in fact, that I could easily be mistaken for a slobbery, seven month old.  And then it's taken away.  Of course, it's usually in my best interest and often times replaced with something better, yet I fail to see that in the moment!!  I refuse to focus on anything but the fact that the precious, grocery bag that could potentially suffocate me has been pried out of my grubby little fingers.  And I throw a fit.
These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Matthew 6:32 NLT

Owen teaches me a lot.  Or rather, God uses Owen to teach me a lot.  This fit throwing 'lightbulb' was just one of many realizations I've had in the past few days.  We're still not sleeping very much but I'm finally seeing through the fog and grasping the reality of something deeper at work in this.  I'm being taught, refined, sculpted.  And it can be incredibly painful; this chipping away at parts of me.  But it's only once the Artist is free to shave away the imperfections that a masterpiece begins to emerge.
Isaiah 64:8 'Yet you, LORD, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.' NIV

This week required much of me, including honesty and vulnerability.  I finally realized how vital it was to voice the turmoil inside me.  Sleep deprivation had taken its toll and I was starting each day ready for it to be over.  I found myself becoming frustrated about little things and the running commentary in my mind was becoming increasingly sarcastic and gripey.  Something had to give.  At last I admitted to Derek that I was burnt out.  I talked out frustrations with trusted friends and they prayed with me!  It's hard to find the right words because I absolutely love being a Mom.  But that doesn't change the fact that this is one of the hardest roles I've ever stepped into.  Owen is one of my greatest responsibilities.  He is one of my greatest treasures but that doesn't mean he doesn't present some great difficulties! Training up a warrior is not a task for the faint of heart.  And attempting it on only three hours of sleep is next to impossible.

My devotional consistently reminds me 'Do not be ashamed of your exhaustion.  Instead, see it as an opportunity for Me to take charge of your life.  Remember that I can fit everything into a pattern for good, including the things you wish were different...'  And as the sleepless nights continue, the more I find myself pressing into Jesus.  In my desperation I realize my need for a strength greater than my own, a love deeper than what I have to offer and a grace that covers infinitely more than I can comprehend.  At this point I'm running to Jesus not because it's what I know I'm supposed to be doing but because He is the only One that can keep me afloat.   
2 Corinthians 1 eludes to a near death experience for Paul and although our sleeping issues certainly don't qualify as 'deadly peril', the words in verses eight and nine certainly resonate. 'We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia.  We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself.  Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death.  But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.  He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again.  On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us.'

Like I said, God's using Owen to teach me a lot.  Our life is full right now and we are grateful; but it can be overwhelming.  We definitely relate to this feeling of 'great pressure' and there have been moments where we question our ability to endure.  I have no idea why Owen's not sleeping, we've tried every trick and tactic!  But at the same time, I know EXACTLY why this happening.  'That we might not rely on ourselves, but on God, who raises the dead.'  
Jesus has reached right in and pried from these fingers things like 'MY' right to a good night's sleep, 'MY' pride and 'MY' ability to have it all together.  He's chiseling away imperfections.  I feel incredibly exposed!  But as I high tail it for the security of my Papa, I begin to see the purpose in all of this!  Not that I need to know why God does anything.  I know that His purposes and plans are so much greater that I can imagine, extending farther than my tiny brain can fathom.  But in this season I do believe He's allowing me a small glimpse of His work.  He's taking from me things I was incredibly attached to and is replacing them with something infinitely better, the opportunity to rely fully on Him.

 Unfortunately, I don't think I've learned the lesson in it's entirety.  Brew another pot of coffee, folks, because I still do my fair share of fit throwing.  But He is faithful.  And just as God continues to deliver me (often times, from my self!) I will continue to meet Owen in the middle of the night.. for as long as it takes.  I thank Jesus for this time and, just like Paul, I will set my hope on the One 'that will continue to deliver us.'  I embrace these times of sculpting, knowing that the Artist sees in little-old-fit-throwing me, the potential for a masterpiece!