Choosing Grace.

Bouncing my way over bumpy, dirt roads I sipped re-heated coffee and half-listened to Owen's chatter in the backseat. The mountains rose dramatically in front of me and their grandeur began to penetrate my haze. Daniel had fallen asleep as soon as we began driving and the relief was tangible. In the quiet, I also realized I may have overdramatized the whole ordeal.
The afternoon's frustration stemmed from a restless baby and significant lack of accomplishments or, for that matter, breathing time for yours truly. I hadn't had a moment alone since the day began and as the temperature climbed into the 100's in our shell home, so did my sense of urgency to escape it all. And so we drove. But as everyone calmed down, I started questioning my quick arrival at 'wit's end' and guilt began to seep in. Had the afternoon really been that tough? How was I still such a rookie?

Fresh, mountain air is a remedy for almost any ailments. And pity-parties tend to loose steam in comparison to God's beauty. I've never even labeled my little big guy as being 'fussy' before.. not in his entire seven months of living! He is truly our little sunshine boy, with an incredibly joyful and content personality. One afternoon of crying was so minor on the scale of 'things that should work me into a frenzy'. 

You can imagine how I quickly began to regret my lack of patience with sweet Danny Dude. Then I glanced in the rearview mirror and saw a far away look in Owen's eyes as he slowly munched a cucumber. I added to my list of offenses 'loading a fragile two year old in the car immediately upon his waking from a snooze'. How could I be this much of a mess? Why did I not have more patience with these little people gifted to me? I also felt bad for bailing right before Derek would be heading home from work. Wife of the year award right there. And shame settled in like a weight.

I'm currently reading in Mark and seeing Jesus combat guilt and shame with a grace that is both intentional and intense. In Mark 1:40-42 He heals a leper with a single touch. Apart from the fact that the man was immediately cured, this single act of being touched had to be phenomenal for a man previously considered untouchable. When people were infected with this disease, Jewish law required them to live alone, 'outside the camp', with hair uncut and wearing clothes that were torn, all while crying out 'Unclean, unclean.' [Leviticus 14:45-46] Can you even imagine the shame?! This man asks Jesus if he would even be willing to heal him and it says Jesus was indignant. He immediately reaches out to touch the man, saying, 'I am willing. Be clean!' 

I realized I had a choice to make and no one else on those dusty backroads could make it for me. Would I let guilt keep talking or would I shut it up and allow Grace to reach out and touch me? If I do not choose to live in Grace, I will drown in the countless opportunities to over-analyze my actions and pronounce judgement. But Jesus is indignant that I would even hesitate to ask, that shame would cause me to delay for even a moment before running straight to Him for healing.

I fall short in countless ways. This particular afternoon is just one example and, in hind sight, my exasperation was rather trivial. But the temptation to dwell in shame, regret or guilt is all around and can take on many forms, sometimes seeming even larger than life. Becoming a wife and mother intensifies this reality in my own life; when people lean on me, looking for support and answers and a good example, the chance of failure is simply that much greater . I question whether I'm giving it my all and I grow weary and I battle feelings of longing for something more in my days. But if I give it the power, this guilt will begin to define me.

'Leprosy' was a term used to reference various skin-affecting diseases. But this word is used quite often in the Bible and represents a sickness that goes deeper than physical. My sin makes me spiritually unclean and deserving of a sentence to live alone, drowning in shame. But Jesus reaches out to me, to the leper, to every single one of us, saying, 'I am willing. Be clean!' And He destroys the barrier that sin creates. He touches the untouchable and invites us back into community, into His very family. And if we let it, Grace will re-define us, setting us free from guilt and shame. 'So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.' John 8:36

So today I am choosing Grace. I listen to the One who tells me who I really am and reminds me of the potential He sees in me. Tomorrow the choice will be mine to make again. Thank goodness God paints reminders across the very sky for me and lets His message echo through the words sung in church on Sunday. He is always reaching out. He is always willing if we will simply choose Grace.

'Where sin runs deep, Your grace is more. 

Where grace is found, is where You are. 

Where you are, Lord, I am free. 

Holiness is Christ in me. 

Yes, where you are, Lord, I am free. 

Holiness is Christ in me.' 

-Matt Maher